I can’t believe that 4 years ago I created this blog to help me get through infertility. 4 years of tears, and anger and fear. Years of being okay being childless, and months of begging to have a child.
It’s so hard to believe that I’m writing this post, with a 6-week old baby boy on my lap. It was/is nothing like I expected. 4 years ago, I thought a baby was going to be glorious. I was going to walk around with that ‘new mom’ glow. I was going to be complete.
I am complete. I was complete before I had Baby Boy. Once I decided that I was going to live happily without children, I learned to be okay with everything else in my life. I NEEDED that revelation. Now that I have him, I’m still very much happy and in love.
That new mom glow? Thats from scrubbing all the vomit/spit up off your face. lol. College prepared me for little sleep, so the 2-3 hours stints of sleep I am getting used to.
I was terrified about Labor, but I had an amazing L&D. 7 minutes of pushing and this little guy came out at 6 lbs 9oz. They say that when you hold your baby for the first time- time stops and you cry. Let me be honest. Time didn’t stop and I didn’t cry. Everything was happening so fast….it was hard for me to believe that 7 minutes ago Baby Boy was inside of me…and now….now he’s out and crying and my responsibility.
I cried twice during the pregnancy/new mom time. The first time I cried was during the 20 week ultrasound when I saw him squirming and moving and perfect. He was healthy and perfect…and at that time I realized…. I was going to have a baby. As many of you know, infertility and loss is devastating. I refused to accept I was pregnant until I saw the ultrasound. I refused to even think of a nursery until the ultrasound. Once I saw it, I was overjoyed with how much love I felt for him. It was the first time I acknowledged I was going to be a mother.
The second time I cried is when the nurses wheeled me out to the curb, put the baby on my lap and placed me in the car. As soon as the car door closed, and my husband looked at me in the review mirror and said ” Ready to go home?” I LOST IT! He was finally mine. Mine to love and mine to take care of. No more nurses to help. No more catch net. I was a mother and I was taking this baby home to his nursery.
As for me. I’m doing well. I was afraid of losing my sense of self, but with a supportive husband and family, I have been able to still be me. I went back to running at 3 weeks PP. I feel stronger and healthier than ever. I lost all my baby weight in the first two weeks (breastfeeding benefits!) and I’ve decided to continue pursing what I wanted to do prior to conception.
Baby’s don’t change everything…but they do change a lot. They change the way you eat, sleep and live. They can be exhausting and assholes sometimes…but I never imagined that I could still be myself, and have this little guy be the best companion.
My advice for anyone who wants it….don’t lose your sense of self. Be happy and love your life. Your child will see happiness through you, and will respond with happiness in return.