Be patience. Be present

If I learned (or failed to learn) anything in my life- it is to be patient. I have been tried and tried again. I waited 6 years for my first baby. I waited 9 less-than-glorious months being pregnant with them, waiting for the final day. I waited  hours in labor … waiting. It always seems the closer you get to the final goal- the less impatient and harder the wait becomes.

I’m trying to change jobs.  The wait for the call is agonizing…just like the 2 week wait. I thought being a mother was my calling- and I thought wrong. I’m preparing every day for this change.  Every day that passes without a phone call is mental torture. How have I not learned to be patient? Why haven’t I learned that good things come to those that wait? maybe not wait. I’m not waiting. I’m working my ass off to get this. I’m up late -after I put my kids to bed, I lace up and hit the track. I do pushups in between changing diapers. I’m hitting the gym on my lunch break to make it. But ultimately, I have to wait for the call, and it’s beyond my control.   I suck at waiting. Every day- just like when I was trying to be a mother- that passed that I didn’t have that BFP or the call, it’s a blow to my self esteem. The wait for your cycle to hopefully be late. I lost weight to be a mother. I prepared… and God did I have to wait. the wait is the mind-fuck. I doubt…What if Im not made for this? What if this is a sign it’s not for me? But just like infertility- it’s not acceptable. I want to feel fulfilled with my life. I want my children to see their mother happy and strong and confident, because she finally had enough guts to believe in herself and do it.

But what if the call doesn’t come? What if that BFP never happened. Just like the weeks before Baby #1, I learned to finally be okay and move on. There are many routes in life… I need to breath and know that my life isn’t over if the call never comes.

Funny how looking back, how different ones life can be in the course of a few years. From thinking it will be the end of you if you never conceive- to wanting more. will it ever stop? some people say I’m selfish for wanting a career. A purpose. They say that children are my purpose. No. They are my life- but I want my children to look at me, like I did my father. I want them to learn confidence and strength and life through me, by watching what I do. I want to be the mom that my kids take to career day. I want to make a difference not for just my children, but for so many who need a voice in their life. God… why can’t they just call already.

Patience, where are you?

Drowning

Hello Ladies.

I’ve missed you. I don’t know where many of you are in your journey. Maybe you are still stalking the stork, or maybe you are planning a life of adventure, or maybe you are fidning yourself up at all hours of the night with little cries down the hallway. No matter where you are, I am still with you, because I have been there. After trying for 6 years, I gave up and planned a life of adventure. I traveled, I ate, I drank, I slept in and splurged on fun seasonal socks (I still have student loans, so thats splurging to me). I revamped my life. I sold the 3 bedroom hours across the street from the park. Moved to the city. It was the worst kind of pain- so if you are still going through that- I feel it still like a deep wound. You will never be alone. I was on the path of changing careers, until that faithful day I was late. I thought I was going to be excited to see those two lines- but instead I was thrown back into the dark place, where I never wanted to be again.

 

Never the less, 3 years later, I have two beautiful boys- 13 months apart. I dreamed of these days. Decorated nurseries. The smell of cookies in the oven, after they help me bake. The giggles filling the hallways. Truth Alert- being a mom can really suck. Today there were no giggles. Last night was full of both of them waking each other up and screaming because they had sugar at night and weren’t ready for bed. This morning the hall was filled with my 2 year old having a meltdown because I wouldn’t let him climb up on the hamper to turn the lights on and off. My one year old fell over and bit his lip, so there was screaming and blood. The dog HATES my kids. But the dog was here first, and I’m not that kind of person. She stays… separated, but she stays.

There is no baking. I tried that. Eggs were thrown on the floor, once kid took the butter and chomped into it, and flour was everywhere. I’ll probably wait another 8 years before I try that again.

Today is not a good day. I’m tired. I have a migraine, and kids dont care. I still work from home, but they go to daycare. I dont have any family within 500 miles, so this is my only break. My job sucks. I hate the anxiety I get from it, but we need to keep it for now. Bills are coming in as if its raining debt. You know those months, where the Electric bill was a touch more than you expected, and somehow, it through your entire month off? That is where we are at.

The diaper bins need to be changed, I need to go grocery shopping with ZERO dollars in my account, my work is bombarding me, and I feel like I’m drowning. Halloween is right around the corner. my favorite holiday. I was so excited to decorate the new house and dress the boys up- but we can’t swing it this year.

I have an opportunity to change careers- but it is physically demanding. It’s better pay- but on top of my sleepless nights, messy house and mom-brain, I have to get my postpartum ass out on the track and train to run an 8 minute mile, followed by 3 sets of 20 pushups and 30 situps. It’s a lot. Whats worse, is that I have no one to talk to about it.

Do any of you out there, wherever you are in your life- feel alone? I remember not being able to talk to anyone about my infertility battle, and it was horrendous. Are there any moms out there struggling with the guilt of not being in 100% bliss, after trying SO hard for the little ones? Any one out there who doesn’t feel fulfilled like they thought?

 

Reach out to me. I could use the support of knowing that I’m not alone- in being alone.

It’s been a while

So, It’s been a while. Mostly because I had issues logging into this thing. I’ve been really stressed lately with a lot of life decisions- but I found that a lot of my problems come from external factors- politics, Facebook, gossip… ect. I’ve been working on getting the noise out of my head so I can focus more on whats important in my life.

So, life is funny. I remember writing in this to keep my whits about me when I was going through infertility. As you read, it was a struggle, and I even got to the point where I was going to change careers.

I had Baby Boy in June of 2016 after 6 years of marriage and infertility issues. He is amazing. I can’t believe he’s 2 1/2. when Baby Boy was 4 months old, I got pregnant again. Very unexpectedly as you can imagine- especially because I was a nursing mom, and thought that you couldn’t get pregnant while nursing. That turns out to be a myth. In August of 2018- I proved the myth wrong, and welcomed Baby Boy #2 into the world. They are my life. Two weeks after baby boy was born, we moved cross country for husbands work. It was hard. We moved to a very remote area in the Midwest- 2 HOURS away from a Target, or a store that was open 24 hours. I dont know if I had postpartum or If i was just depressed being there, but life got hard. I cried every day.

Life is hard. Life if hard when you dont have kids and want them… life is hard when you dont feel fulfilled in motherhood when you thought that was all you wanted. Life is hard when you have a defiant 2 year old, and trying to change careers.

We moved back home about a month ago, and I feel the sun again. I feel happy. I feel stronger. I migth keep posting in this blog- but it may turn less into struggles of infertility- and more about the struggles of feeling fulfilled with motherhood.

 

I hope you are all doing well in your Journeys!

Is this still on?

I havent been on here in years. Does this still work?

A baby Story

I can’t believe that 4 years ago I created this blog to help me get through infertility. 4 years of tears, and anger and fear. Years of being okay being childless, and months of begging to have a child.

It’s so hard to believe that I’m writing this post, with a 6-week old baby boy on my lap. It was/is nothing like I expected. 4 years ago, I thought a baby was going to be glorious. I was going to walk around with that ‘new mom’ glow. I was going to be complete.

I am complete. I was complete before I had Baby Boy. Once I decided that I was going to live happily without children, I learned to be okay with everything else in my life. I NEEDED that revelation. Now that I have him, I’m still very much happy and in love.

That new mom glow? Thats from scrubbing all the vomit/spit up off your face. lol. College prepared me for little sleep, so the 2-3 hours stints of sleep I am getting used to.

I was terrified about Labor, but I had an amazing L&D. 7 minutes of pushing and this little guy came out at 6 lbs 9oz. They say that when you hold your baby for the first time- time stops and you cry. Let me be honest. Time didn’t stop and I didn’t cry. Everything was happening so fast….it was hard for me to believe that 7 minutes ago Baby Boy was inside of me…and now….now he’s out and crying and my responsibility.

I cried twice during the pregnancy/new mom time. The first time I cried was during the 20 week ultrasound when I saw him squirming and moving and perfect. He was healthy and perfect…and at that time I realized…. I was going to have a baby. As many of you know, infertility and loss is devastating. I refused to accept I was pregnant until I saw the ultrasound. I refused to even think of a nursery until the ultrasound. Once I saw it, I was overjoyed with how much love I felt for him. It was the first time I acknowledged I was going to be a mother.

The second time I cried is when the nurses wheeled me out to the curb, put the baby on my lap and placed me in the car. As soon as the car door closed, and my husband looked at me in the review mirror and said ” Ready to go home?” I LOST IT! He was finally mine. Mine to love and mine to take care of. No more nurses to help. No more catch net. I was a mother and I was taking this baby home to his nursery.

As for me. I’m doing well. I was afraid of losing my sense of self, but with a supportive husband and family, I have been able to still be me. I went back to running at 3 weeks PP. I feel stronger and healthier than ever. I lost all my baby weight in the first two weeks (breastfeeding benefits!) and I’ve decided to continue pursing what I wanted to do prior to conception.

Baby’s don’t change everything…but they do change a lot. They change the way you eat, sleep and live. They can be exhausting and assholes sometimes…but I never imagined that I could still be myself, and have this little guy be the best companion.

My advice for anyone who wants it….don’t lose your sense of self. Be happy and love your life. Your child will see happiness through you, and will respond with happiness in return.

Baby Fever – Where are you?

I thought it would be so different. I thought that once you find out you’re pregnant, your whole world changes. You change. Your priorities change. Although this is the case, it’s not as drastic as I imagined. I thought that once I got over the initial shock of being pregnant, and saw the heartbeat, that I would be all about this baby. I anticipated baby fever would consume my life…. but at 27 weeks pregnant, I still don’t even have a color picked out for a nursery (Though it’s going to be blue!) . I haven’t been shopping at baby stores, or flipping through The Bump any chance I get. I haven’t been reading birthing/parenting/family blogs and magazines. My life is not consumed by this baby, although I feel like it should- and for that I have pangs of guilt.

I really loved where I was at 9 months ago. I was in shape. I was happy. I loved my husband. We had plans to go to the Caribbean this spring. I was in the midst of changing careers, before I got pregnant. I never thought I would cry anything but tears of happiness once I got pregnant, but I did.

I want to be happy. I’m not saying that being a mom isn’t going to be a enough, or make me happy  (because I am more in love with him every time he kicks me)- but I want to still have my life. I want my son to be able to see his mother be strong and happy, and hold other woman in his life to those same standards.

I guess I am afraid of loosing my identity for/to this child.  Does anyone else feel the same?

I have such supportive friends and family –  and it’s been great. I have been keeping in fairly good shape this pregnancy. I’m starting to get back into running (though not very much- maybe a mile!), I’m still eating really well – I haven’t craved anything but fruit and ice water this entire pregnancy. Instead of talking about nursery colors and looking for cute wall decor, I’ve been looking at the baby joggers. I’ve been pinning how to get fit with your baby postpartum.   At the end of my maternity leave, my goal is to go back to the Academy. And that makes me happy.  My friends have been supportive – keeping my spirits up when I’m winded walking up a flight of stairs- and break down crying,  thinking I’ll never be able to run my mile and a half again in a few months to get into the Academy. But I am constantly reassured. I’ve received a ton of Police onesies for this little guy, and I laugh and smile every time a new one comes in the mail.  I am so blessed to have such an understanding group of friends- who both understand the challenges and joys I’ll be facing as a new mom while also wanting to continue to better myself and change careers.

But seriously, I’m 27 weeks pregnant – you would think I’d get my shit together and start putting together a nursery right?

Did anyone else fear losing their identity? Did anyone else feel the pressure of society, telling you that if you don’t spend every waking hour daydreaming about your child, you are a terrible parent already?

Am I in the wrong, to want more for myself?

 

 

 

Coconut Oil and ACV

I thought this was a great post. I was reading a lot about coconut oil, since I gave up dairy in September. I just thought I’d pass it along for any ladies TTC, who haven’t’ given up dairy yet. It’s actually quite incredible, how giving up something, as simple and wheat or dairy, can change so much. I use to have a flushed face all the time, and one day my gf at work told me her sister had the same issues – 10 days off dairy and she was clear skinned. So I tired it- and don’t ever want to go back. It sounds hard, and it is hard, but for the most part- nothing really dairy is good for you, that you can’t find in an Almond alternative…which Almond milk has more vitamins and calcium that cows milk.

http://natural-fertility-info.com/coconut-oil-necessary-for-building-hormones-and-a-healthy-baby.html

I also wanted to share a link on Apple Cider Vinegar. I know us ladies, when TTC, it feels (more than feels, it quite accurate to confirm) that we have read every possible solution to help treat infertility- especially when the doctor tells you it ‘unexplained infertility’.  Being told you have “unexplained infertility” was like hearing him say, “You are working fine- apparently a baby just doesn’t think you’re good enough”.

Anyway, if you haven’t already Apple Cider Vinegar (in the raw), is so good for you. It helps loose weight, clears up your skin, and allows you to change your diet for the better, if you are finding it more difficult to eat healthy after being addicted to holiday foods the last few months.

http://www.natural-health-for-fertility.com/apple-cider-vinegar-for-fertility.html

Anyway, I was reading some articles today, and wanted to pass it along, for anyone who hasn’t tried these alternatives.

Fear in the Truth

I’ve typed the first sentence of this blog over 30 times and keep deleting it. Part of me doesn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to revisit the past. I don’t want to feel like I did three years ago – but as time passes, all I find is that the feeling I have tried hiding is denial. Denial that I will ever be ‘over it’. While there are days that I felt normal – full of life,  there are the days where the fear of knowing that I’m not okay – that I will always be a little bit nervous and anxious about infertility.

So why am I here? Why did I come back? Maybe it’s because during the worst days, I had a group of ladies who were there for me. That knew what I was going through, and I felt powerful by reaching out to them- writing to them and for them, while receiving the very same comfort in their own writings.

I’m here because I’m scared. I was so happy with how my life was going. Getting strong, working towards a new career, relocating – everything was exactly how it should – until I realized I was late back in October – and a HPT confirmed – I had indeed gotten pregnant.

I blogged about what it would be like to not be trying, and miraculously get pregnant. How incredible it would be, to have such a wonderful surprise- but as I sat there, staring at the very dark double lines…. I cried. I cried because I didn’t want to be back here. I didn’t want to miscarry again. I didn’t want to want it. I wanted to join the police department. I wanted to run and travel and drink Margaritas with my husband on Friday nights. I didn’t want anything to change.

5 YEARS of trying. Chlomid- dr. ‘s appointments, post coital exams (**shivers**). I didn’t want to return to it. since I’ve never been able to get past 5 weeks of being pregnant, I stayed in denial the first full week…. and part of the second week… I called the OBGY and told them, and they told me to come in  if I make it to week 7- 8. I’ve heard that before, but never made it. I loafed around my apartment in a daze. What the hell did I do? How did this happen?! Well… I know exactly how and when…but how was this different from any other Friday night with the husband? Week 8 came. I went to the hospital with my husband. We parked in the garage. I passed the labor and delivery room, and saw all the pregnant women and babies, and I lost my shit.

I sat in the car and cried so hard, I couldn’t breath. Full out panic attack. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t belong there. I was infertile, and I will never be pregnant for that long. I can’t carry to term. I felt like an absolute fool for even acknowledging that I was pregnant. My poor husband- he didn’t know what to do, other than help with the snot running down my face.

Thoughts ran wild through my head. My mind fought constantly between the though of wanting and not wanting this.  It’s not that I didn’t want to have children- though I was entirely comfortable with the idea of it then- I didn’t want to want another child, only to lose it. What if I go in there, and they tell me it was a false Positive? What if they tell me I WAS pregnant, but it never developed? I know that I can’t get pregnant, why do I want to put myself through this again, and be surrounded by women who could?

I changed into the gown- sick to my stomach with anxiety of confliction. And then she showed me the tiny flicker of the heart beat. I looked at my husband and broke down again. I was pregnant. We sent the pictures to his family, and my family- and everyone was over joyed- except for me. I hated the idea that I am still stuck in the mindset that I am infertile-  that this can’t happen to me.

I am 10 weeks, and still worried. Still in denial. I dont want to talk about it when my friends ask how I am. I tell them all my other feelings, and act like I’m not pregnant. I tell them about work, and the dogs, and the latest news article I read. I talk about what my husband and I are going to be doing for the holidays. Then I hate myself more for being in denial.

Will I ever accept it? I’ve been very sick, but then I wake up days like today, and I feel fine, and I immediately think ‘It’s over‘. I dont want to in denial. I want to be happy for this. This is what I wrote for so many years right? This is exactly what I wanted when I endured the dr’s appointments, and the drugs and tests.

My husband tells me that if it ‘doesn’t work out’ (meaning I lose it), I can call the PD and be reinstated. If It does work, then we will have a family. But I’m just not ready to accept it – I’m afraid that even just blogging about it, will jinx me- or that once I start accepting and wanting this, I will lose it.

So I’m here, because there is fear in the truth that I’m pregnant. I’m terrified to accept it….. and I need you ladies in what ever capacity you can provide comfort, or advice, or something.

I have my next dr. appointment next Friday – I’ll be just shy of 12 weeks. I’m so nervous I could throw up. What if it stopped growing at 8 weeks? Why is there so much fear?

 

Hiatus

Hello my beautiful ladies.

It’s been too long since I’ve been on here. I haven’t forgotten about you, or my blog that I found such comfort in for many years. The truth is, is that I have been avoiding it. When we stopped trying to pursue the child avenue, I wanted to rid myself from all memories of the TTC process. The strangers I bonded with here, the blogs about two week waits, OPKS, the heartbreak of a period every month -everything. I started a new blog about traveling and our lives, all in hopes to try and truly escape the pain of being barren.

I can’t even begin to tell you how drastically my life has changed in that hiatus. My husband and I traveled. I started doing things for me… Present me. Not ‘what if I have kids’ me… but just me. I decided to go back to school, to peruse a passion in the sciences. I applied for a random job as a Police Officer … why? Because it was a challenge that I wanted to try- I didn’t have a family to hold me back, and it was something I could put all my blood, sweat and tears into. I worked my ass off every single day to get to where I needed to be. I ran every day getting my time down. I went from 4 to 25 pushups. I went from running at mile and a half in 18:00 to doing it in 14:00. I felt strong… and best of all, I felt free. Honestly free.

Sometimes, life is strange. But I wanted to say hello to all my ladies who were so supportive so many years ago. I hope everything is perfect in your lives.

Mrs. M

To my 23 year old self

Life on the Rocks

To my 23 year old self,

You are getting married this year. Congratulations. Your marriage is going to be fun – not perfect – but it will be fun. There are going to be times of pure bliss, and days you feel like you made the wrong choice. You didn’t. You are going to get married to your best friend, you are going to be uprooted from what you know now, and you are going to move to the ‘big city’. Don’t be scared – you are going to thrive. You are going to have a couple different job – some will make you question humanity, and others will make you wake up with purpose.

I know you are 23 – you are strong, and you have goals. You know what you want. You’ve come a long way, since you moved to the US when you were 18 by…

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