Throwin’ in the towel

GAH! I am so frustrated I want to cry/scream/throwup/throw something/throw in the towel! I seriously have had it. with  the temping, and the peeing on stick, and the scheduled sex, and the anticipation every two weeks, and then getting my damned period.

It was my first round of Clomid this month. I had 5 days of positive OPKS. We had sex twice. SO fucking pissed at my husband too. HE PROMISED me he would be on board and man-up for 7 days.  You see, we have opposite schedules. He gets up at 4:00 am, and goes to work unti 4 p.m. I work from 3 pm – Midnight. So when I get home, hes sound asleep and he is GRUMPY as hell when I wake him up. SO WHHT THE FUCK AM  I SUPPOSE TO DO?! I wasted an entire cycle of Clomid because we only had sex on the 19th and 20th, while ovulation showed positive from the 19th -23. We havent had sex SINCE the 20th!!!! GRRRR. So now I am a walking hormonal-satanic- bitch. I hate everyone. I hate when I see low-life pregnant 19 year olds strung out on drugs and alcohol, I hate my work for giving me the worst schedule EVER all of the time! I hate my husband because he cant  wake up when I get home from work.  and I hate after 2 fucking years, I am still not pregnant! I hate that I LOVE coffee and I havent had any in MONTHS because I’m ttc. I hate that I have gone out with my girl friends, because I always seem to be in the Two Week Wait. Most of All….I hate the two week Wait.

I am 8 dpo today. My boobs dont hurt, I am extra watery “down there”, AND I  am cramping like a son-o- a-bitch today. When I got pregnant in June… My chest was sore, I was dry as a desert, and didn’t have any cramping…which leads me to believe I’m going to have my periode soon.

I told my husband that I am done with it! I am not taking another round of Clomid, because this hole last week Ive had heartburn so bad, I throw up every time I wake up or eat. and I have had hot flashes so intense that I want o strip all my clothes off at work…and for WHAT?! for him to not sleep with me when I give him SEVEN DAYS to do it?!?!?! FUCK!

I’m just done with it. I’m tired of feeling broken and let down. I’m tired of seeing all my friends (literally ALL of them) conceive and go into labor, while I’m still trying to get pregnant.

I had a lady at the hospital last night as me if I had kids, and I said no. and she said “well, not yet then” and I wanted to slap her and tell her she was a Cunt (sorry for the language) and to let her know, if she MUST know, that I will NEVER have children apparently, because the people who have their shit together, who are responsible and financially ready, apparently cant create babies on their own.

So, with my ttc towel in hand, I’m throwing it in!

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It’s Working! (at least I think it is)

Well today marks my 14th day of my cycle, and 7 days since I took the last clomid dose. Yesterday I peed on on an OPK and BRIGHT POSITIVE! Today, the same thing, Bright and dark =) We  “did the deed” yesterday afternoon, but we wont be able to tonight, so I’m hoping yesterday will be enough? And we’ll do it again tomorrow in the afternoon/morning. SO fingers crossed.

I was getting a little frustrated, because the day after I stopped the clmoid, I had a positive opk. Not AS dark as the ones I’m getting now, but damn near the same as the control line. After reading, I heard you can have positive OPKS from the Clomid. So we did the deed just in case, but I’m really hoping now is the TRUE positive ovulation. I have all the other signs of it right now too (EWCM anyone?!)

I am attempting to temp also, but my schedule is not going to work with me. I did have a dip yesterday, I went from 97.4 down to 96.8 and back up to 97.7 today. but again, temping is sperattic with me. I am only temping to see if they temps stay up.

I so hope this is the month. The hubs doesn’t understand what its like to not have children when everything in  your body tells you you are ready for them NOW. I want to be a mom so bad…for reasons i can’t explain…and maybe that is for the better, because I know its not anything superficial.

I had another mini (mini?…lets be serious, it was an all out sob fest!) break down a couple nights ago. My girlfriend just had her baby, a beautiful little girl, and 3 other of my friends are due around the next two weeks. My husband thinks I am  just wanting a baby because my friends are (ya…my Crazy Bitch came out after that remark!). I tried explaining that I’m 27 years old, its not because what my “friends” are doing any more – but see it on my Facebook feed is a daily reminder of what I DONT have. I am sure many of you reading this can understand that.  So I made an analogy for him about hunting and what its like for me…..I think I actually got through to him.  He seems to be a lot more sympathetic. Don’t get me wrong, he really would love to have children, he just doesn’t cry everytime he sees a pregnant woman walk past.
So I am super excited about seeing those bright dark lines on the OPK. I hope that yesterday and tomorrow afternoon will be enough!

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“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” – Kurt Vonnegut

For all of us who are struggling with infertility. For all of us who are struggling with the stress, the bitterness and the jealousy. I thought I would share.

The Wait.

I was hoping to write about the 5 days of Clomid, but instead I got stuck working all 5 days at work, including a double on the midnight shift. So I have been sleeping instead of righting. I have successfully taken all 5 days of Clomid, with the only side affects noticeable were hot flashes. They weren’t your typical, blushing and embarrassing momentary sweat outbreak…but these were more I-thought-I-was-going-to-spontaneously-combust!. The core of my body was so hot I didn’t know what to do. To add insult to injury, its been wicked hot here too, so I have just been miserable. I’m so over summer and ready for fall/winter.

Other than that, I had a little bit more of the munchies, but I always do this time of the month. So now I am just sitting here…on day 8 waiting to see If I’ll ovulate this month. I have a feeling I will, I noticed a bit more CM then typical this time for me, so I’m hoping that its gearing up for the big O. I told my hubby that he had better be prepared for a daily attacking when he comes home from work!

I think we have a habit of burning ourselves out though. We try and do it every other day, but with us both working and the dailey stressed of life…sometimes we’d just rather turn on a movie and have some popcorn and fall asleep  on the couch together. by CD 20, after having done the deed every other day, we are burn out, so if I O’ed in the past on day 34, i likely have missed it. my fingers are crossed that I will O in the next week!

I also have a knack for stress. So I’ve been working on being a happier stress free being…doesn’t work most of the time, but its all about dedication. So I’ve been reading a lot of “philosophy” books lately. I ran across one, I haven’t read it yet, but  it sounds interesting! I’ll send the link below, I think it might be helpful for some people! Stress is heinous thing!

The Tao of Fertility

Click the picture to be taken to the Tao of Fertility’s website. I hope someone finds what they are looking for here.

Day 1 of Clomid

So I’m a bit frightened right now. I swear its time like this I could really use a mom! Well, I finally was able to induce a period…never thought I’d be so excited about that! Today is day 1 of my Clomid. I am taking it on days 3-7…. and nervous. I’m nervous about side effects, I’m nervous about not ovulating, I’m nervous that the day I ovulate I will be stuck working on not be able to see the husband! I’m nervous that it will work and I will have twins (not that that would be a misfortune, I just don’t think I can do it).

I’m too nervous too much. I need to relax. I told my husband that if worst come to worse and I ovulate on the days I’m working…I’ll just call in sick for a day. He thinks that is  “a bit much”…I swear men really don’t understand the timings of these things some times!

another thing I’ve been struggling with is embarrassment. I wanted to be a mother naturally. Now I feel like I’m creating a baby in a fake laboratory. I know THAT sounds ridiculous, because really all I’m doing is shortening my cycles and ovulating. him and I are doing all the work …right? 

Every day I swear on facebook I see a new ultrasound picture from a friend who is having a baby. I guess I don’t know if any of them are on Clomid or how long it took, but I do know a good many which were unplanned…..and I am struck by jealousy and sadness all at the same time.

Why do us women have to think so much? maybe its just me, but I wish i could just stop over analyzing everything, and just be thankful that the Dr can give me something that will allow a shorter cycle so we can try it.

Maybe, when it comes down to it. I’m just scared it wont work and I really wont ever be able to have children. my whole life…thats all i really wanted. Some people were made to be and do great things. I was made to be a mother. Hopefully it will happen!

I’ll post the next 5 days on how the clomid is doing, and if I am getting any side effects from it!

 

Good luck too all of you!

The Break

I so needed this break. I took time off from thinking about babies, strollers, names, and when on earth I was going to ovulate. I went to the Dr. shortly after I started my last cycle at the end of june/early July. She gave me a battery of tests to do to check my levels and what not. She did confirm that I was, in fact, pregnant back in June. Sad news. But the good news is, she said that I was able to get pregnant and that was great. Blood work came back all great too!With my constant swing shift at work, she thinks my very long cycle is due to the fact that I work midnights and day shift , both in the same week, and my body isn’t sure what is going on. I can handle that news, and so glad it didn’t have to do with hormone levels. Since it is the nature of my job, I wasn’t sure how I was going to overcome it, other than wait the next couple of months out until we move and i wont have a job. But she told me she can start me on the low dosage of Chlomid and progesterone so that I can start a period, and ovulate, and have a normal cycle, rather then these 52 dayers!

I’m thankful for it. There was once a time that I thought nature should just be nature. And if i couldn’t get pregnant, than that was natures way of telling me my body wont be good for it, and i will just have to accept that. Oh being young. I decided that I will go on the progesterone and the chlomid just so i can have the piece of mind of a shorter cycle. Its exhausting working full time, swing shift, with a 52 days cycle and trying to do the deed as much as possible!

I’ve been concentrating on things too that dont consume my time about babies. We are going to be moving here soon in December, and we don’t know where. It could be the next state over, or it could be across the entire country. So I am starting to back up slowly, incase the husbands company wants to move us sooner.

The strangest part of this whole ordeal, as that after months of trying, and finally being able to get pregnant. I feel content. Like I just wanted to know that I could get pregnant. I’m not nearly as stressed out as I was before. I know that sounds strange….but maybe thats all i wanted to know, that it was possible for us.

 

Everything happens for a reason. I am thankful I didn’t get pregnant when i did last year, because otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get a job and pay off all the debt  we have so far this year. Now we are at the point where we don’t depend on my wages at all, and we can souly (and thankfully) live off of his salary. We have a couple more months here, so i can work until we move. Now would be an opportune time though. I could work and then when im 5-6 months pregnant, we can move and i wont worry about finding a job….but who really wants to move at 5 months pregnant?

It is what it is. I know people who have moved even more pregnant. I just have to do my thing called life, and when it happens, I’ll be happy…until then, I’ll be happy with the life I have been given thus far… but of course I will begin peeing on sticks just to make sure =)