Life in Hell

This really isn’t a negative post. I promise. It has been a while since i wrote anything because I am still dealing with the heartache and jealousy of not being able to get pregnant. But I may have the key!

One year ago my husband moved me from the home we bought together and loved so dearly, to the other side of the country…to the worst city you could possibly imagine. As SNL puts it “you could be in the 7th layer of hell, and STILL be 45 minutes outside my city”. People are nothing like they are back home. Here people are cold, uneducated, rude, loud, obnoxious, trashy and ruthless. You could lay dieing on the side of the road here, and people will honk as they drive buy because you are in their way. It’s been awful. I’ve had to endure this god-forsaken-shit-hole of a town for just over 365 days! I probably cry at least every other day, with the occasion weeks of crying EVERY day!

Well, back in June, my husband and I got to go back to our home for a week. I was so excited! the WHOLE month of May I was on cloud 9! And what happened? That was the month we got our first BFP! Even though it ended in a chemical, it was still a BFP. I was told I wasn’t broke. It was going to be ok. 2 months later, STILL no period. I was back in Trash-City and i could feel my blood pressure rise each morning I woke up. The Dr. put me on Clomid, and I did two rounds. My last round in September, I had 6 days of solid positive OPKS! We did it damn near every night, but certainly every other. 14 days I got my period. WHAT THE HELL! Talk about REALLY feeling broken and disheartened! I did the baby dance on the perfect days, with meds, and a positive OPK. nothing!

So I gave up. I threw in the towel. Aunt Flo came and I didn’t refill my Clomid. I figured it HAS to be the City I live in. It has to be creating some toxic chemical level that wont allow anything to grow inside of me.

We found out that we are MOVING back home in December! I have, again, been on cloud 9. I told the hubby we will wait to go back on Clomid when we get back home, where it will hopefully work.  In September, we  planned a mini vacation for October to get out of here for a while. We stayed a couple days  in a little cabin right on the Atlantic coast, in a quaint town 18 hours away from trash city. We drove the 1,004 miles to get there too! We took in the scenery, we talked, and yep….we ovulated!

No joke. 3 days into our trip, I started noticing a change in my CM. “It can’t be” I thought. I took an OPK. sure as shit, it was positive as the night is dark! I had one and a half days of positives, and we did the deed two days before the positive, then both days of positives. I am hoping that, along with the fact we only have 37 days until I get to move back home, will be enough to do it this month.

Now I find myself in the unexpected two week wait. I was not planning this. I was going to take the tree months off, since I knew we were going to be busy with moving ect, and did not need the added stress and disheartment of another BFN. I am 5 dpo right now and, like every month, im getting symptoms. Why does the two week wait have to be so long?! lol.

I’m trying to not be overly excited, but want to be. I have the tired, the hot flashes, the tenderness, did i mention the tiredness?! I am having mood swings, but thats normal every month. I guess here is to hoping. I can’t stop thinking that I might have actually done it this month! that we can go home and paint a babys room in the very home we bought with so much love.

If you happen to read this. Please say a little prayer of hope that this was the month we might just be able to conceive our little bundle of joy!

2 thoughts on “Life in Hell

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