Life’s a Bitch, girl.

*****Unnecessary amounts of vulgarity below***

“The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude”….Fuck. That. Shit. Whoever wrote that quote has never had a debt collector call.

So, I’m having a pretty bad day. Gosh this seems to be the theme of the week! Today has NOTHING to do with trying to conceive, babies, infertility, nadda……

Today has to do with life.

I’m really not a bitter person. I am practicing Buddhism to try and keep the inner peace, show compassion, repay Karma, ect. ……but Even the Buddha has bad days/weeks. I just need to vent about some things. Advice is always helpful, sympathy is always welcomed too.

So, my husband is a project engineer. We move every year- two years. He comes to Chicago, estimates a job, then goes out to the project and manages it getting built. It’s about a year in the office, and then 2 years out in the field. We truly live a nomadic lifestyle. Problem: His employer operates projects nation wide. Our last project was in Pittsburgh, PA (worst city ON EARTH). The office is located in Chicago. We just moved back to Chicago in December, and he is telling me there is a better-than-not chance we are going to be moving to South Dakota in March….SOUTH FUCKING DAKOTA!  *breath* It is what it is.

I have my degree in Public Relations and International Affairs. It would be great if I could tell a company that I plan on being with them for the next 20 years, but the reality of it is, I can’t. I can’t even promise them two. So I don’t even try and strive to follow my “career” goals. Sometimes it’s ok….sometimes I feel a little lost and jealous of people getting to do what they do and love everyday.

You might be thinking I’m crazy and it’s not worth it. But when I met my husband, my last semester in college, I wasn’t about to “drop out” or change majors. When we decided we were going to get married, we had the discussion. You have to talk about your future, when you have degrees like his and mine. He LOVES what he does, and so do I , but I would much rather be a career-mom. I have ALWAYS wanted to do that.

So, here I am…still fucking childless, and since we just moved back to Chicago, I’m having a hard time finding a job, since my resume shows 5 different jobs in the last 3 years:( I can’t blame them.

So I applied for this awesome job at the library. And they LOVED me, but someone came in with more experience. I had zero. Fair enough….but how do I get experience if I keep moving so much! I’m over qualified for most of the big box stores, and move to much to get a job with my degree. It’s so stressful.

I feel useless. I can’t get pregnant. I can’t hold a job (really no fault of my own, but it still makes you feel useless). I can’t keep pinning gardening ideas on Pinterest because I’ll be living in south fucking dakota in a couple months. Thank god he still has a job though!

Ok, so back to my bad day,

So then, I get a call from my insurance company, saying they were going through their file, and since my roof is ALMOST 20 years old, I need to replace it within 60 days, or they are cancelling my policy…..which would then affect my home mortgage and it would be a shit storm. Can you really cancel a policy because my roof is too old?! I don’t have enough equity in the house yet to take out money to replace it….oh AND IT’S FUCKING WINTER IN CHICAGO! How can you expect someone to roof their house with arctic conditions and a foot of snow?

So financially, we are in the whole each month by about $-50. We make to much to apply for any kind of aid, but every bill we have is a necessity. I have a ‘friend’ who is living on the system, and she is living so much better than me its a struggle to talk to her with out wanting to punch her in the throat. I budget $25 a week for groceries. That’s right….spaghetti and fruit for this family, and she tells me all the gourmet meals she cooks for her and her boyfriend, and how nice it is to eat only organic food, and I really should think about doing it. I would if I could. trust me. I don’t even want to talk about it, or get in a discussion, because it is how I feel. I know people need to eat, but so do I. She is choosing not go get a job, because its too hard to work and be a mom……me? I’m thinking about calling Waste Management up and seeing if they need anyone to help on their routes because I need to eat! The lady in front of me at the grocery store took out her foodstamp card to by one bag of cheetos… I felt like she slapped me in the face with those Cheetos. Here I was trying to find change out of the bottom of my purse to buy a carton of almond milk.

okay….breath. I can’t do anything about it. This is my life. there is nothing I can do about not qualifying for aid and having others on the system live better then me. It’s my job to make it until we move next, or go out and sell myself to make a little bit of money so my student loans don’t default.

 

I feel a little bit better. Thanks WordPress for letting me get that out.

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Fifty Shades of Infertility

Today, is actually an okay day. Way better than the last two, but still a little off. I find myself in the two week wait and have 50 different feelings per hour. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I decided to go to the gym! The first time in over a year. It felt so good. I missed breathing, and I think running forces me to breath and concentrate on something (even if it is the feeling that I’m going to die) other then trying to conceive.

My husband and I watched Hungry for Change and Fat, Sick and nearly dead. We were so inspired by the documentary that we went and got a juicer! I have been juicing our breakfast and lunch, and then eating whatever want for dinner. In one week of doing that, I lost 10 lbs! I don’t consider it a “diet” because I never ate enough fruits and vegetables before, and now, I’m eating what would be a pretty hefty salad for breakfast and lunch. Beets, kale, oranges, pineapple and carrots to name just a few things! I feel great. hungry right now, but I feel great:) so If you are interested, I can post some juice recipes that are inexpensive, quick and tasty!

So now that I am down to my pre-holiday weight (the holidays plus relocating across the country was unkind to my body) I want to start working on getting back into physical health and strength. It definitely felt good to turn up my music and disappear for 45 minutes.

So, ok, back to the two week wait. I woke up last night and had to barf…usually I would be pretty upset about this, but in my head I was screaming words of hopefulness! As excited as I wanted to be,  I am 97.4% sure that it had to do with the chicken wings I ordered from the bar yesterday for dinner. My dogs sleep in bed with me (a habit I’m trying to break, but they are just so damn cute when they give you that “I’m tired and want to keep you warm tonight” face) so the whole night I’m sandwiched between them(they are both rescued pit-mixes and they love nothing more than to sprawl out). I don’t know which one it was, but I got a paw/foot right in the face, and that was just enough to set off the nausea. Dog feet. and bar food. So I’m trying to not attribute that to any DPO signs and symptoms, because I am only ad 5 dpo.

But holy tired! I have been sleeping like a rock and not wanting to get out of bed for anything. I am attributing this to lack of solid food and the -3,000 wind-chill that is striking the Midwest right now. Seriously, who wants to get out of bed when you are waking up to sub-arctic conditions.

It’s so hard to try not to associate everyday symptoms of life, with trying to conceive. I over analyze everything these next 14 days, and it’s driving me fifty shades of mad.  I read a re-post from one of the writers blogs regarding the two week wait, and I had to share, because it will make you smile (and we all need that!)!

“Just as Schrodinger’s cat is both alive and dead, simultaneously and with equal statistical likelihood, until such time as the box is opened and one possible reality collapses into the other, the final four days before testing are a barbaric thought exercise in which one is both pregnant and not pregnant, full and empty, positive and negative. After you’ve been doing it a couple of years you lose the ability to comprehend or translate the signals your body is sending, so that some parts of your anatomy are screaming joyously that you are all kinds of knocked up, while other equally legitimate and strident bits are solemnly pronouncing your uterus empty, empty, empty like the garbage cans after curbside pick-up.

My nipples, for instance, are planning the baby shower. End of September. It’s a Libra. We’re so happy.
My lower back, however, knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no chance in an infinite number of hells, and that my period is lurking right around the corner. Walk it off, bitch.” 

 

How  true is that? We do loose the ability to tell the difference between normal aches and pains and early signs of pregnancy…who here HASN”T been to “Twoweekwait.com” to symptom spot/check. It is truly making me mind boggling numb. The only thing I can count on though, is my dog. He was able to tell me I was pregnant with his body language at like 7 dpo last June, and sure as shit I was. I’m kind hoping he will start showing signs that I am again, but as of now, it’s not looking too good. At least I’m another day and step closer to finding out why.

Till then,

Mrs. M

You are probably pregnant if you are reading this

Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE IN MY LIFE IS!  My god. I am trying to be positive here. I’m trying to be relaxed. I’m trying to not “worry about it”….. I just want to SCREAM! Every time…and I mean EVER time I log into facebook, someone is posting their new Ultrasound Picture. My friend, who by all means should not be getting pregnant due to lifestyle, is having her first baby soon.

I see old friends from high school getting pregnant from one night stands, living off the system, and having their parents watch their babies as they go out clubbing….. ME? What am I doing? I’m F’ing staying at home, trying to decide if my OPK was darker today than it was yesterday, while I’m sipping on herbal tea that is suppose to help cervical mucus! GAHHH!

I just can’t do this any more!

I logged onto Facebook today, and saw a picture of my ex boyfriend, who NEVER wanted to have children, on a friends post, holding a “maternity bag” in his hand….WHAT THE HELL?! We broke UP because he never wanted to have kids, and that is my life goal. Oh, and not to mention, both him and his wife are excessively overweight and completely unhealthy, and eat souly fried foods. Are. you. kidding. me. I’ve been living off a juice diet the last couple of days because my dr. said I should loose some weight…I’m a size 12 in jeans! I know I probably should be a size 8, but my friends who are getting pregnant are upwards of size 24-28!

You know, its days like this I wish The Dr. would just take my whole damn uterus out. Clearly it’s not doing anything. I would much rather KNOW I couldn’t have children, and move on, rather than have to go month after month trying and stressing and crying because its not working.

Is anyone elses marriage being crippled over this…this supposedly beautiful experience? “a child is conceived when to people love each other”. Fuck that. Apparently a child is more likely to be conceived if you get shitfaced and are irresponsible during a one-night stand! There is nothing sexy about trying to conceive after three years. It’s more like “alright, we are going to have to have sex tonight…can you deal with that?”

I think i’m going to go into my room and sob until I pass out. Why….why why why can’t I get pregnant as easily as anyone else!? I own a 3 bedroom 2 bathroom house. Plenty of room for a family. It has a beautiful fenced in  back yard, and we live across the street from a baseball field.  We are in a stable loving (it is when I’m not ovulating) relationship. We are financially responsible and stable. We don’t depend on the government to survive….yet, I see so many welfare ridden, irresponsible women walking around with babies in their bellys, hanging off their arms and legs, who seem to get pregnant just by looking at someone else. Why can’t a person who has their shit together, who is ready and would make an awesome parent, not be able to get pregnant?!

“somebody needs to pay for all my 15 kids, and someone needs to be held accountable”

I’m just being bitchy. That’s all. I’m annoyed and bitter, as I’m sure anyone trying to conceive is. *sigh* I am better than this….

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut:

“Be soft.
Do not let the world make you hard.
Do not let pain make you hate.
Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.
Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree,
you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

 

Till then,
Mrs. M

Cranky

I hate these days. Patients is not my strong suit. I haven’t heard back from one of the places I interviewed at. I think they said today they were hoping to make a decision, or maybe Monday. But I was hopeful, so I am a little disheartened.

I peed on another OPK yesterday, and it was still positive, not as dark, but still positive. We didn’t do it yesterday because the hubby can’t go every day (frustrating, but it is what it is). Today it was back to negative. We are still going to do it tonight, just in case, but I don’t know. I’m having  a “poor me” kind of day. I wish it wasn’t this hard to try and get pregnant. I hate the fact that once my OPK’s go negative, I build resentment towards my husband because I feel like, maybe we didn’t get pregnant because we didn’t DTD EVERY day…which is absurd, I know, but it’s how I feel. I sit and just think about ‘what could I have done/eaten/taken that would have gotten me pregnant this round’. Who knows, maybe it did work. I want it to.  I am back home where I love, I am not working swing shifts, I am eating better, I have no real stressers in my life, so it SHOULD work. I wish I wasn’t so damn negative! I really think that’s what it is. I just don’t think it could ever happen to me, so its like a self fulfilling prophecy…People can get pregnant after months of trying right? Or is the fact we haven’t gotten pregnant a sign that it will NEVER happen.

I’m being ornery and ridiculous tonight. I wanted to go to a movie at 6:30, but my husband decided to stay late at work until 6, when he usually gets off at 3 pm and he works an hour away. I don’t even want to talk to him I’m so pissed…and the truth…. I didn’t want to see the movie, well I did, but I’m more pissed because I am CRAVING popcorn, and no I don’t get it. GGAAAAD. I should just go to bed.

Tomorrow is my second acupuncture appointment. Maybe If I ovulated today, the acupuncture will do its thing and I can get pregnant? Lets hope that it will all work itself out. For the mean time, I’m going to try and not worry so much about what I could have done better. I did the baby dance every other day this week. I got a positive OPK. I took my vitamins and got ample sleep. I layed there for 30- 1 hour after each dance to make sure it stayed in as much as possible. I ate pineapple core, and will do so for the next 3 days. I am doing acupuncture, and I am reading Buddhist theology readings every day to keep relaxed…..I mean…is there anything else I could/should have done?! I don’t think so…..so lets see as I enter the two week wait.

 

 

Now, we’re getting some where

Every since the move back to Illinois, I have been a bouncing ball of joy! I wake up every morning with the sun on my face, and a clear blue sky. You’d think I’m exaggerating, but I’m not, and that is why I love it so very much here!

 

Anyway, I had a job interview yesterday for this really awesome position at the local library! I think the interview went so well! I wasn’t as qualified educationally for the position (they wanted someone with a masters), but they liked my experience, so I am hoping that will be enough to carry me through…..I mean, they knew I only had a bachelor’s going into the interview, so it wasn’t a surprise, right? So I will find out next week. I really really really really really want this job, and the interview did go so well! Fingers crossed!

I have another interview tomorrow. It’s not so much as an interview, as it is a proposal pitch. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. It looks like its going to be a lot of hard work and extensive sales, and I am just not in the mood to do that at this point in my life. My goal is to reduce stress, but in this economy, I’ll do what I have to. So I am putting together a marketing plan on how to make this office grow, and pitch it to them tomorrow. ……Still hoping for that Library job!

So exciting news, although I have been busy, its been with all good things! I’ve been taking OPKs ( I think all of us are, lol) and its been very negative the past three weeks….yes, three, so I am running a little behind schedule, but in my defense, I have moved back to IL and had my dog go through surgery last week, two job interviews, and unpacking my house, so really, a week behind isn’t too bad!

Well, today I peed and got my positive OPK! Bright lines! I even did it on a different test, just incase it was a bad one, and there it was! I was so excited, I called the husband up at work and told him not to be to late or to tired!  I am really excited.

My last positive OPK I believe was in October, when I was on vacation. We did the deed (I really should call it something more romantic), but were unsuccessful, and I think its because I was still working all three shifts in that horrible, awful, nightmarish city! The positives before that, I was hopeful, but again, with my schedule, I missed it. Now December, by counting, we did the deed on the perfect day, and I still missed it. A little disheartening. Now that I am back home, I think I’m very positive.

I’m also excited, because if nothing else, in two weeks I’ll start fertility treatment, and be working with an awesome Dr, who is going to be with me every step of the way.

My heart is so full of positive joy, I’ve forgotten what it’s felt like to be this at peace. Have I mentioned how much I love being in my home?! It’s such a perfect and beautiful home. I have been on Pinterest getting ideas how I am going to transform one of the rooms into the perfect babies room. I know I’m getting a head of myself, and I don’t want to be too disheartened, but I want to stay positive!

I told my husband that I have to keep my eye on the goal! I have to do believe that I can get pregnant! So I changed my desktop background to a picture to sperm attacking an egg. Ha, if nothing more, I get a good giggle every time I log in.

 

So. Here is to hoping that being back home, the acupuncture, and Karma are on my side this month!

 

Till then,
Mrs. M

First visit to the Acupuncturist!

I had my first visit to the acupuncturist today…

I was so nervous, I thought I was going to barf on my drive there! I kept thinking “Why am I doing this!? I don’t like needles. I don’t need this….perhaps I should wait and see how the Clomid works first”, then the smart part of my conscience answer’s back, “Because this is better for you. This is more natural, holistic and will help with your anxiety and begin working on a habitually healthy lifestyle”….Well, that was the end to that argument, so I continued my drive in sub-conscience silence.

I walked into the office, and was greeted immediately by my acupuncturist. We went through a very interesting “physical”…where he looked at my tongue, felt my pulse, and then diagnosed me with what he thought was going on, and asked if he was correct. It was almost creepy how spot on he was! I came in telling him I had “anxiety” problems….after looking at my ears, he asks me “are you having any gynecological problems? Painful cycles or the inability to conceive if trying?”!  Are you kidding me?! It was at that point, I realized you can not lie or hide anything from an acupuncturist. We concluded our physical with him diagnosing me what they call a “Damp Qi (chee)”.  He also said my circulation isn’t being effective to certain parts of my body, including to my reproductive system…so that is what we were going to concentrate on.

I then followed him to a very relaxing, spa like room towards the back. I hop up on the table, fully clothed, and he tells me where he was going to place the puncture points. Surprisingly it was not anywhere near my stomach! He pressed on parts of my knee and ankle, where I actually yelped in pain! He replies “tender there?”, as if my yelp didn’t give it away. He told me those points are pressure points that coincide with the uterus, and by being tender, it often shows that there is a problem, or off balance, in the system.

He was ready to put the first one in, and I damn near hyperventilated! So, to calm me, he told me we were just going to try one, and if I didn’t like it, we wouldn’t do it. So I told him to go ahead, two seconds later he asks “how was that?”….How was that?! I didn’t feel anything! WICKED AWESOME! I gave him the green light, and he feverishly ran around my entire body putting these tiny, painless needles in effective places. When all said and done, I had them in my ankles, wrists, calves, knees and one in the ‘third eye’ in my head. He put a heat lamp over my abdomen, dimmed the lights and told me to hang out for a half hour…..

About 7 minutes in, my whole body started warming up and I couldn’t even think. Usually my mind goes a million thoughts a minute, and for the first time in a long time, my thoughts were empty. Maybe it was all in my head, but at 8 minutes in, I was out like a light! He woke me up when we were done, and asked how I was feeling….again…like he needed to ask?!

He also placed these “seeds” in my ear, in certain pressure points, so that throughout the week, if I feel tense and anxious, to give them a good squeeze. To be honest, I can’t remember the last time I felt THIS relaxed!

To say the least, I am so utterly happy that I went. The whole experience was awesome. I feel awesome and relaxed, and much more positive about making these babies this year! I still get a little sad, because in my head, sometimes I feel like I will never get pregnant, but I am really trying to have positive, reassuring thoughts…I can and WILL be pregnant this year….
I watched a documentary on Hungry for Change, and I wanted to share this advice with you, for anyone having a hard time telling themselves that you will get pregnant this year too:

Visualisation is like a language, which you can use to talk to your subconscious. The problem with the subconscious is that it doesn’t speak English! So we’re being run by a brain that we can’t talk to. But what I realised is that visualisation is like a language that you can use to talk to your subconscious. Because just like you can’t talk to someone that doesn’t speak your language – say you have to go to a bathroom in a foreign country and you could ask a 1,000 people where the bathroom is and they wouldn’t be able to tell you – but if you drew a picture and show it to anyone instantly they know what you mean. It is so true.
Your body WILL guide you. It will support you, give you a helping hand and ultimately, NOT LET YOU FAIL.
 

Till Then,
Mrs. M

 

New Dr.’s Goal isn’t to get me pregnant

 

I had my first visit with my new OB/GYN, and I can’t get over how professional and enthusiastic he was about wanting to get me pregnant! It makes me sick to my stomach that I spent the last year with a Dr.  who clearly didn’t give a damn!

 

 My old Dr., told me that if I got a positive pregnancy test, to wait about a month to make sure it “sticks” and then to schedule an appointment…. my Dr. now, wants me to call him the DAY I start my period, the DAY I get a positive ovulation, he wants to do a ’Post-coital’ exam to see if my husbands swimmers are staying actively alive inside me, and he wants me to get in shape (not because I’m overweight but because pregnancy can be hard on the body) and stay positive! He tells me:

 ‘My goal for you isn’t to just get you pregnant….
My goal is to be able to wheel you into the hospital in less than a year, and watch you successfully deliver a healthy baby

 

Then, on the way out of his office, he said, “Mrs. M, You will be having a baby this year, so I want you to keep that in mind, and start treating  your body like you are pregnant now”…. He was so absolutely wonderful I wanted to run back and give him a hug!

It’s such a breath of fresh air to have a Dr. that actually WANTS to get you pregnant, rather than one who thinks you are either still to young to be worrying about it, or doesn’t really care.

He made me understand that one of the reasons I’m probably not getting pregnant, is because my cycles are to long, and the hormones aren’t compatibly working like they should.

 

So, he put me on a new round of Chlomid, and he wants me to come in on day 1, 14, 21, and 28 to check hormone levels and see what’s going on. If round 1 doesn’t work, he will check my tubes to see if they are blocked and proceed with the next procedures!!! I’m not going to have to “try this for 6 months, and if it doesn’t work, come back to me”.

 

If you are in the Chicago area, I would highly recommend him.

Tomorrow is my first round of Acupuncture! I’m so nervous I feel like I’m going to throw up…..any tips for the first Acupuncture visit?

 

Till then,
Mrs. M

A Jealous Chi

Well, three months is certainly a long time to be absent. But so much has happened! Last we talked I was finding myself in the tww. Never the less, it still wasn’t our month. I did end up ovulating naturally and on time in November and December though! So, a small but very important win. December was crazy awesome! We moved out of Trash-City and back home to Chicago(burbs)!!!!! Gosh I have been on cloud nine for the last month and a half! It’s sunny. The people in my town are so incredibly nice! Life is just easier here. I haven’t had explosive fits of rage from when I lived out east, and I am on my way back to my old and happy self, I’ve even lost a couple pounds from just relaxing =)

So where does that leave me? We are still on the chase for a baby, and I’ve starting to feel the pain even more when someone announces they are pregnant. My husbands brother called last night to announce that after 4 months of trying, they are expecting! Halfway through my “congratulations” I broke out in to sobs, and had to run out of the room to keep them from hearing me. My husband tried to comfort me with “Don’t be mad or upset, our time will come”…..Sometimes I don’t thing men get it. Although I am happy, I am frustrated because I take care of my self so much better! I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I’m not overweight, I eat whole foods and mostly organic,  while she smokes damn near 2 packs of cigarettes a day, drink beer till the sun comes up, doesn’t eat well at all, and is able to conceive in 4 months?! GAH!

I know. I try not to be bitter or outraged, but I just wish it weren’t so hard for me. In the last couple of months, I’ve had 10 of my friends either announce or have babies! And then I get the “have you guys thought about wanting to have kids? You know our healthiest time to conceive is almost over” ….and then I want to punch then in the throat! almost THREE YEARS of trying to conceive!

Any who, no sense in getting to upset, it will only make matters worse. I established a new Dr. out here in the burbs who specializes in Infertility, so I am REALLY looking forward to seeing what he has to say!

 

I also have my inner Chi screaming at me, so I decided to sign up for my first round of Acupuncture! How do I feel about that? Scared shitless and excited all at the same time! This clinic has had tremendous results with infertility and acupuncture, so I am really excited! Hopefully I will be ringing in 2014 with sleepless nightss and shirts full of baby vomit!

I will report what the Dr. has to say about tomorrow, and my first acupuncture is on Saturday!

Till then,
Mrs. M