Fifty Shades of Infertility

Today, is actually an okay day. Way better than the last two, but still a little off. I find myself in the two week wait and have 50 different feelings per hour. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I decided to go to the gym! The first time in over a year. It felt so good. I missed breathing, and I think running forces me to breath and concentrate on something (even if it is the feeling that I’m going to die) other then trying to conceive.

My husband and I watched Hungry for Change and Fat, Sick and nearly dead. We were so inspired by the documentary that we went and got a juicer! I have been juicing our breakfast and lunch, and then eating whatever want for dinner. In one week of doing that, I lost 10 lbs! I don’t consider it a “diet” because I never ate enough fruits and vegetables before, and now, I’m eating what would be a pretty hefty salad for breakfast and lunch. Beets, kale, oranges, pineapple and carrots to name just a few things! I feel great. hungry right now, but I feel great:) so If you are interested, I can post some juice recipes that are inexpensive, quick and tasty!

So now that I am down to my pre-holiday weight (the holidays plus relocating across the country was unkind to my body) I want to start working on getting back into physical health and strength. It definitely felt good to turn up my music and disappear for 45 minutes.

So, ok, back to the two week wait. I woke up last night and had to barf…usually I would be pretty upset about this, but in my head I was screaming words of hopefulness! As excited as I wanted to be,  I am 97.4% sure that it had to do with the chicken wings I ordered from the bar yesterday for dinner. My dogs sleep in bed with me (a habit I’m trying to break, but they are just so damn cute when they give you that “I’m tired and want to keep you warm tonight” face) so the whole night I’m sandwiched between them(they are both rescued pit-mixes and they love nothing more than to sprawl out). I don’t know which one it was, but I got a paw/foot right in the face, and that was just enough to set off the nausea. Dog feet. and bar food. So I’m trying to not attribute that to any DPO signs and symptoms, because I am only ad 5 dpo.

But holy tired! I have been sleeping like a rock and not wanting to get out of bed for anything. I am attributing this to lack of solid food and the -3,000 wind-chill that is striking the Midwest right now. Seriously, who wants to get out of bed when you are waking up to sub-arctic conditions.

It’s so hard to try not to associate everyday symptoms of life, with trying to conceive. I over analyze everything these next 14 days, and it’s driving me fifty shades of mad.  I read a re-post from one of the writers blogs regarding the two week wait, and I had to share, because it will make you smile (and we all need that!)!

“Just as Schrodinger’s cat is both alive and dead, simultaneously and with equal statistical likelihood, until such time as the box is opened and one possible reality collapses into the other, the final four days before testing are a barbaric thought exercise in which one is both pregnant and not pregnant, full and empty, positive and negative. After you’ve been doing it a couple of years you lose the ability to comprehend or translate the signals your body is sending, so that some parts of your anatomy are screaming joyously that you are all kinds of knocked up, while other equally legitimate and strident bits are solemnly pronouncing your uterus empty, empty, empty like the garbage cans after curbside pick-up.

My nipples, for instance, are planning the baby shower. End of September. It’s a Libra. We’re so happy.
My lower back, however, knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no chance in an infinite number of hells, and that my period is lurking right around the corner. Walk it off, bitch.” 


How  true is that? We do loose the ability to tell the difference between normal aches and pains and early signs of pregnancy…who here HASN”T been to “” to symptom spot/check. It is truly making me mind boggling numb. The only thing I can count on though, is my dog. He was able to tell me I was pregnant with his body language at like 7 dpo last June, and sure as shit I was. I’m kind hoping he will start showing signs that I am again, but as of now, it’s not looking too good. At least I’m another day and step closer to finding out why.

Till then,

Mrs. M

2 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Infertility

  1. The exercise is great for you…helps with blood flow throughout your body, helps shed a few extra pounds and it clears your head for a little while. I have been working out now consistently for about 6 months and what a difference. I feel so much better about myself and how my body feels. Try to focus on the positive that your body is doing and you are doing for your body. Change is good! Especially, cause we cannot change anything else right now. And the two week wait is a killer, but there is nothing you can do so try to focus on something else. Do something you have always wanted to do and try to keep yourself busy so your mind doesn’t go into overdrive. I know that is the hardest part…the mind! If only it were so simple to keep yourself occupied, but at least try for your own sanity. Since there really is nothing you can do for two weeks…but wait. I hate the wait and I don’t know why I get my hopes up when I get the same result over and over, so I try to keep my mind busy and not dwell on it. It is the only way to keep my sanity. I read a lot, watch movies, take pictures…whatever I can so I am not sitting around thinking. It may help get your mind off things too…

    • It is killer! I think I’m more relaxed this TWW, because I know as soon as my cycle starts, my Dr. is going to try everything he can to get me pregnant, lol. So it’s not so much “another missed month” but rather, the last month of not being successful on my own, and now maybe I can find out whats wrong and work to fix it. It’s kind of exciting either way. I’m definitely more hopeful! I will continue to work out, it was such a great feeling!

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