Life’s a Bitch, girl.

*****Unnecessary amounts of vulgarity below***

“The only difference between a good day and a bad day is your attitude”….Fuck. That. Shit. Whoever wrote that quote has never had a debt collector call.

So, I’m having a pretty bad day. Gosh this seems to be the theme of the week! Today has NOTHING to do with trying to conceive, babies, infertility, nadda……

Today has to do with life.

I’m really not a bitter person. I am practicing Buddhism to try and keep the inner peace, show compassion, repay Karma, ect. ……but Even the Buddha has bad days/weeks. I just need to vent about some things. Advice is always helpful, sympathy is always welcomed too.

So, my husband is a project engineer. We move every year- two years. He comes to Chicago, estimates a job, then goes out to the project and manages it getting built. It’s about a year in the office, and then 2 years out in the field. We truly live a nomadic lifestyle. Problem: His employer operates projects nation wide. Our last project was in Pittsburgh, PA (worst city ON EARTH). The office is located in Chicago. We just moved back to Chicago in December, and he is telling me there is a better-than-not chance we are going to be moving to South Dakota in March….SOUTH FUCKING DAKOTA!  *breath* It is what it is.

I have my degree in Public Relations and International Affairs. It would be great if I could tell a company that I plan on being with them for the next 20 years, but the reality of it is, I can’t. I can’t even promise them two. So I don’t even try and strive to follow my “career” goals. Sometimes it’s ok….sometimes I feel a little lost and jealous of people getting to do what they do and love everyday.

You might be thinking I’m crazy and it’s not worth it. But when I met my husband, my last semester in college, I wasn’t about to “drop out” or change majors. When we decided we were going to get married, we had the discussion. You have to talk about your future, when you have degrees like his and mine. He LOVES what he does, and so do I , but I would much rather be a career-mom. I have ALWAYS wanted to do that.

So, here I am…still fucking childless, and since we just moved back to Chicago, I’m having a hard time finding a job, since my resume shows 5 different jobs in the last 3 years:( I can’t blame them.

So I applied for this awesome job at the library. And they LOVED me, but someone came in with more experience. I had zero. Fair enough….but how do I get experience if I keep moving so much! I’m over qualified for most of the big box stores, and move to much to get a job with my degree. It’s so stressful.

I feel useless. I can’t get pregnant. I can’t hold a job (really no fault of my own, but it still makes you feel useless). I can’t keep pinning gardening ideas on Pinterest because I’ll be living in south fucking dakota in a couple months. Thank god he still has a job though!

Ok, so back to my bad day,

So then, I get a call from my insurance company, saying they were going through their file, and since my roof is ALMOST 20 years old, I need to replace it within 60 days, or they are cancelling my policy…..which would then affect my home mortgage and it would be a shit storm. Can you really cancel a policy because my roof is too old?! I don’t have enough equity in the house yet to take out money to replace it….oh AND IT’S FUCKING WINTER IN CHICAGO! How can you expect someone to roof their house with arctic conditions and a foot of snow?

So financially, we are in the whole each month by about $-50. We make to much to apply for any kind of aid, but every bill we have is a necessity. I have a ‘friend’ who is living on the system, and she is living so much better than me its a struggle to talk to her with out wanting to punch her in the throat. I budget $25 a week for groceries. That’s right….spaghetti and fruit for this family, and she tells me all the gourmet meals she cooks for her and her boyfriend, and how nice it is to eat only organic food, and I really should think about doing it. I would if I could. trust me. I don’t even want to talk about it, or get in a discussion, because it is how I feel. I know people need to eat, but so do I. She is choosing not go get a job, because its too hard to work and be a mom……me? I’m thinking about calling Waste Management up and seeing if they need anyone to help on their routes because I need to eat! The lady in front of me at the grocery store took out her foodstamp card to by one bag of cheetos… I felt like she slapped me in the face with those Cheetos. Here I was trying to find change out of the bottom of my purse to buy a carton of almond milk.

okay….breath. I can’t do anything about it. This is my life. there is nothing I can do about not qualifying for aid and having others on the system live better then me. It’s my job to make it until we move next, or go out and sell myself to make a little bit of money so my student loans don’t default.

 

I feel a little bit better. Thanks WordPress for letting me get that out.

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