“What He Can Expect, When She’s Not Expecting”


So last night, I was invited to a family members baby shower. Obviously I cried. But what makes matters worse, is that this family member and I (Sister in Law) don’t even get along. We are on opposite sides of the personality pole. She’s high maintenance, I am not. She is an indoors only kind of girl, I would live in a tent if I could. She eats all processed foods, smokes and drinks, and I enjoy the all natural, none GMO kinds of foods. She thinks she is above everyone else, I treat the janitor of the hospital with the same respect I would treat my Dr. She is open and judgmental on the flaws in my personality, I am bitter behind her back. So anyway, you get the picture….her baby shower is coming up. My Mother in law called all excited to invite me, with a hint of disappointment finding out I got my dream job, because now, I might not be able to make the shower….which is 9 hours away.
Pissy is an understatement of my attitude last night- I should have had a green face and carried a corn husk broom around the house.  I’ve been really ornery the last couple of days. I just can’t deal with people. So I don’t want to go to the shower, and I am even more cranky that they were a little disappointed that I would be starting a job, and might miss it. My SIL lives 4 hours away….they have never come to visit, because the drive for her is too hard on her body. So we go there and visit every time. Our MIL’s house is 9 hours away, and of course, because I am childless and healthy, I am expected to make the journey for every F’ing occasion. So I told my husband, with teary eyes, that I didn’t even want to go. He got so upset and proceeded to tell me how disappointed he was in me, and that I should just “put aside” my feelings and be happy for her. SHE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE PREGNANT!  GAH! I know I know… (she’d be saying the same thing about me)

So, naturally I wanted to kick my husband right in the liver after that remark, but, tapping into my inner Buddha, I refrained.  We ended up having a really good conversation about how hard it is to attend these events, and then to attend it for someone who isn’t ready to have children, and who I already don’t care for, is going to be awful. I know I should be happy for her, but at least you ladies might be able to understand.

I was reading another bloggers blog today, and one of the comments below was explaining that, when dealing with infertility, a great book, What He Can Expect, When She’s Not Expecting, is a wonderful way of letting you husband really understand what is entailed with TTC. The tests, the complete invasions of our Vaginas, how second nature explaining to the  DR on the other side of the line what your current cervical mucus is like, the heartbreak each month, the two weeks of crazy symptom spotting and back and forth of “Oh this is a good sign!” and “Ugh, Aunt Flow is definitely on her way”. We are still just in the Clomid stage, and nothing is worse than hearing my husband say “Do we have to do it tonight?” ugh!

I told the hubby about the book, and he said he would read it, and that it actually might help him “get it”.

So I wanted to pass it on to you ladies out there. Anyone read it? If not, anyone going to look into it as well?

Till Then,
Mrs. M

Ps. I’m 8 DPO and my boobs hurt when I even think about them. Sadly, this is a normal sign that AF is getting ready for her 3 day extravaganza. My pup isn’t afraid of me either. I think the other day had to do with him getting into something he shouldn’t have. I am however, so tired I am thinking about calling it a night at 7 pm. I haven’t been sleeping well because I wake up SO thirsty 5 times a night. I really should learn to hydrate better.

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Dragon Dance

“Dragons are believed to bring good luck to people, which is reflected in their qualities that include great power, dignity, fertility, wisdom and auspiciousness.”

I have been struggling to write in the blog, because I’ve been too damn tired. I don’t know if its because of the winter, or the stress of interviews and TTC, the TWW or the clomid. Right now, I just want to close the laptop and take a 3 hours nap in a sunspot on my floor.  But anyway! I went back to the Planetarium (my church) this week for an “adults only” night. It was so much fun. They open the entire planetarium to those 21+ to drink, watch space movies, learn about science and check out the stars through the the largest public telescope in the Midwest. If you are in the Chicago area, I definitely recommend checking out Adler After Dark. It’s basically a playground for nerdy people….so I LOVE IT! haha, I went with one of my friends in the area, and we had a great time. It was a night with a lot of philosophical thinking and questions. While we were there though, the planetarium was teaming up with the Chicago Chinese Fine Arts Society to help celebrate the Chinese new year.

While my friend and I were sharing thoughts and ideas about the meaning of life over some hummus, we heard these loud, epic like gongs. From around the corner, these beautiful Chinese lions appear and performed this beautiful dance. completely intrigued by this, I decided to look it up….mistaking the difference from the lions and the Dragons. When I read what they represented, I was in tears. Fertility and good luck?! YES PLEASE!  So I wanted to share that with you.

It may just be coincidence, but the next morning, I got a call from my dream company, offering me the position I applied for! Finally I have SOME sense of being!

I am halfway through the TWW….and yes, I think I caught the egg…but I think this every month. The only thing different, is that my husband things we have too…and possibly my dog. So, last night, my husband grabbed my boobs while passing in the hallway (men!) and then proceeded in telling me how big and heavy my chest feels…. haha, I think he is more positive because he wants to stop having sex be a chore…. But I am sure the chest heaviness and size are all contributed to the Clomid, so I write it off. My nipps though (TMI, but again, reference points, lol) are unnecessarily painful. I mean…. bad. Usually my chest hurts horribly right before AF comes and visits, but its off the the side in the “meat and fat” part. I know, I’m quite the poet, lol. Sorry! But this month is different, its very centralized right in the center. So again, maybe just the hormonal change from the clomid?

But then you have my dog…..oh my poor poor dog. Every time I come in the house, he gets so scared he pees all over the floor. He did that when I first caught the egg last June, so it’s a glimmer of hope….but I also probably have thee most sensitive pit bull in this country! So we’ll see. He isn’t being as distant as he was in the past, but that could be from a multitude of reasons. We shall see, again the hubby is all kinds of happy about the dog pissing on the carpet (Men!). My mood? I’ve resembled zombie/hulk like episodes the last couple of days. Very annoyed and have a “no-nonsense” type of attitude. The hubby is sadly at the epicenter of these episodes, so we have fought damn near every night 😦 oh Hormones! It would have been nice if men evolved with some too! (maybe not so much….)

The one thing that I am a little worried about is the cramps. Did I have these previously? They feel like AF like cramps, but I usually dont get them for a 2 days-ish before I start. I woke up out of  a dead sleep two nights ago with very strong cramps, and I’ve been having “after shocks” here and there. They last for about a half hour, and then they are gone. Maybe they are a good sign?

So, at 7 DPO I have

  • Chest pain
  • Extreme fatigue
  • Cramps
  • Acid Reflux (more that ever)
  • Extreme thirst
  • Headaches (I think they are tension headaches from clenching my teeth at night)
  • Hulk-like crankiness (PMS anyone?)
  • Acheyness…. I just feel very tight, like I’m coming down with the flu or something.
  • TMI! CM is very dry… usually it’s very wet this time of the month.

So I know, It could all be in my head. We all struggle with this. Being my first month back on Clomid, I want to write everything down, that way the next couple of months will be less crazy, and I will know what to expect.

So. That is my half-way-through-the-two-week-wait rant! I am going to try and get some Dragons in hopes they will bring luck and fertility. 3 mores days until I POAS because I have no control lol.

Good luck to any other ladies out there entering or almost leaving their TWW.

Till then,
Mrs. M

13 days and counting…

And here it is. The Two Week Wait.
I have decided to be hopeful. I  am going to be positive, and not let this TWW own me. I got positive OPKS Sunday, Monday and yesterday afternoon. We “Did the deed” both Sunday and Monday, but the hubby was to tired to do it last night :-\ That’s okay, right? Monday night, afterward, I laid there for about an hour chit chatting with the hubby, and then went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night with horrible front and back cramps! Maybe ovulation pain? I’m not sure, they lasted about a half hour, and they were intense. Hopeful. This is my first real round of Clomid. So I am sure things are going to be difference from my “usual” TWW….I know the first part of the cycle sure as hell was.

So. 2 dpo, I may not even thinking about it. Maybe I’ll get some tea and open up a book. Anyone ever read the Outlander Series? Sometimes I find it is relaxing to get lost in someone else’s life for a chance.

OH! So I’m stressing, but excited! I got a call back from my “dream” company who I interviewed with last week. They are concerned that I am not experienced enough in the industry for a counselor position, but they liked me, and want me to come in tomorrow and meet with the manager for a position that is just  a step below that one.. In fact, the position I am interviewing for tomorrow, was the one I originally applied for, they just thought I was qualified for the one above that position. It would be so perfect, especially when TTC. It’s something I love, with stable/steady hours, and close to home! So, I’m hoping that getting a referral to meet with the manager is a good sign, and I hope they like me enough to hire me!

I’m going to end my blogs for the next two weeks with “signs and symptoms”. It’s going to be a reference point to go back to later so when I start to be obsessed, I can see that many of the signs and symptoms are normal on clomid….just trying to be organized. *giggle*

DPO 2 (I know WAY to early, but it’s my space to obsess).

  1. Tired
  2. Headache from Hell (this has been going on a week, I think it’s because I clench my teeth at night. More of a tension headache)
  3. My nips are hard and hurt like holy hell….believe it or not, this has never happened to be, except the time I did catch the egg….. I’m thinking at 2 dpo, its the Clomid. But I need to write it down for reference.

Okay! I noticed a bunch of my fellow-bloggers are entering the TWW with me, so Good luck, and hopefully we’ll all catch the eggs!

Till then,

Mrs. M

ALL Aboard!

Okay, so  maybe it’s not the classiest way to announce I’m ovulating….but I am! I don’t really know how I feel about it yet. I’m on CD 19. The Clomid was suppose to be doing it’s thing a week ago. My Dr. keeps telling me “21 day ovulation is too late….it’s just to late”. I don’t even know if it’s worth doing the baby dance (but of coarse I’m going to!). I cried this morning. I’ve been getting negative opks every afternoon, and we ended up not even “doing-the-deed” at all last week. Well, Monday, but that was for my post-coital appointment. It went well. The Dr. even showed me my husbands swimmers under the microscope. They were so beautiful, and alive!

So, this morning, we talked about baby dancing. We had to, its been almost a week! I was so exhausted. I haven’t been sleeping well because I’ve been stressed about waiting to hear back from this job.  So I ended up just crying….I didn’t even want to sleep with the hubby, because it isn’t fun. It feels like a chore. I know he doesn’t really ‘look forward’ to it.

I feel like by “trying to conceive” we are ruining what we have together. I miss the intimacy, I miss the months where I didn’t temp, chart, or panic about when we had sex, and when we didn’t.  I know. It will come back.

So I POAS today, and it was dark! I’m happy about it even though it’s “late”. Maybe the clomid will still did it’s thing? I seem so much more hormonal than ever before, so I’m hopeful. So anyway, this morning, we did end up “DTD”,  and then afterward, we laid there for just over an hour and talked. It was nice. It was intimate. It was also relaxing. And then to get the Dark line I’ve been waiting 19 days to see. It was nice.

So now…..here it comes. The tww. I’m not so hopeful, because it DID take so long to ovulate, but you never know. I think I was on day 39 the last time we caught the egg. Positive thoughts!

Till then,

Mrs. M

 

!@#$%^&*!!!!!!

I was doing so well! Nice Friday night with the husband, and my husbands brother and Sister-in-Law who are expecting (without trying) called to see how things were going. And she told us how neat it was to see her body start changing, and her belly starting to get hard. “My senses are so heightened, is the coolest thing!”

Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s like telling a person who lost their eye sight, how awesome spring is because of all the vivid colors, and the rainbows, and the beautiful the sunrises …..

I know. I should be happy for them.

I just read a blog, from a couple, who painfully just lost their baby a month after she was born, due to labor complications. I couldn’t imagine. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but I know they really loved the baby. Two weeks after they held the funeral for their child, the mother was explaining how they are going to try for another baby as soon as she is physically healed from the labor….. This is also coming at the same time there is a donation board going around, to help them pay for their medical bills because he lost his job and she doesn’t have one, and since they aren’t married they don’t have insurance….

It’s none of my God-damn business, I know. I’m not in their shoes and I couldn’t imagine a loss like that… But it would be fucking nice to just get pregnant by looking at someone and not worry about whether we could/should afford to raise a child given the current situation.

I woke up today, my temp is still going down. I’m at 96.8. Still no sign of a positive ovulation test. I’m so fucking tired of arguing with my husband. We have the most unromantic sex you can imagine, every other fucking day. Then, because work was stressful this week, and he worked long hours, we didn’t  have sex for three days. Now I’m wondering if we blew it.

Why is this so fucking hard! I want to talk about my belly getting hard. I want to day dream about cribs and bibs and looking at strollers. I am so beyond bitter right now. I shouldn’t be. It could be a lot worse…. I have my health, my SIL does not. She is battling a long-term autoimmune disease, and has stopped treatments just so they can try to have a child, otherwise they will never be able too. She is SO sick from the disease too. I think that’s what bothers me; if she has a hard time getting up in the morning because she is in so much pain, and there are days she physically can not leave the house, how is she going to get up in the middle of the night to a crying baby?

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe I am just scared of being the “broken one” or never being able to feel my belly grow due to something other than food. I’m scared that the names I’ve already picked out will never be used. I’m scared that my maternal instincts will go to waste. I’m scared this jealously and anger will be the end of me.

 

Losing my Religion: Finding peace in all the right places

“View the world not as a battlefield, but as fertile ground to practice being awake” — The Buddha Walks into a Bar: A Guide to Life for a New Generation

We all have a different life journey. Some will walk the same path, but with different size shoes, or maybe with a big or smaller stride. We may all be on the journey of trying to conceive, but each of us has our own story behind the battle, and deals with it accordingly, usually with some type of theological practice.

When I was 14, my mother,43, died of Leukemia. My 12 year old sister became a staunch atheist, and very hateful to herself and Christians.  My brother, was was 16 at the time, turned to faith. He became Mormon, because that is sort of the religion we followed growing up. Mormon and Catholicism to be exact. Confused? So was I. So he became Mormon, and me….I just tried staying afloat. Since I was now the “lady” of the house, I tried my damndest to keep the family together. I made lunches for my siblings for school, I took care of all the house chores while my dad was working, and dealing with loosing the love of his life after 17 years of marriage.

So anyway, while my brother was going to church, he would come home and get SO mad at me and my sister because we weren’t going. At the time, I was going every now and then to this non-denominational church down the road, mainly because I loved the social interaction with people my age, and it got me out of the house. My brother would  yell at me that that church will not get me into heaven, and “where are your apostles? your bishops?! If you want to see mom, you need to be Mormon!” and I would just cry. My dad finally stepped in and told him he wasn’t allowed to preach in the house. I did end up going to his church for a little while, and I enjoyed it, again just for the social interaction. I didn’t feel a thing anytime I went. We would pray, and I felt more empty leaving the church because I never felt the “warmth” they were telling me to feel. So I went back to my church. My pastor asked me where I had been, and I told him I was checking out the LDS church down the road, and he sat me down and told me “Those people are Christians. It’s a cult. You need to stay away from here”…. WHAT?! Those people were SO nice, they were moral, they read the Bible…. I was confused and angry that both these churches were against each other.

So then, years down the road, I went off to college. I truly wanted to “feel” connected to something. I was envious of the church goers I saw, because they believed and felt so sure…and I never did. I always doubted. I joined  a Christian organization in college called Campus Crusade for Christ, I sang in the worship band, and met my future fiance. I liked it. It gave me ‘friends’ in college and made me be conscious of my decisions, and in college, you need that! But it still didn’t FEEL right. The hypocrisy of that organization made my stomach ill. Premarital sex was obviously not good. If the pastor found out we were doing it, we’d be kicked out of the worship band. So my fiance and I were going to “wait” until we got married. Others were finding it to hard to wait, so they went off and got married over the weekend…..How on earth is that keeping the sanctity of marriage?!

A year later, my fiance went off to basic training. His family was against me marrying him because I had a Mormon family background, and they too, believed it was a satanic cult. So it was difficult. He was VERY religious. When we were to be married, I was going to be pregnant and at home, and our children will be christian-based home schooled, by me. After basic, he went on to tech-school, where he slept with THREE different girls. SLEPT! So I read him the riot act. I told him “I am far to young to be desperate enough to stay with you. I am not so ugly that I wont ever find someone else who will find me pretty. I am better than you, and stronger than you think. I don’t need you. So this is good-bye”, and I sent him on his way. The organization SHUNNED ME! SHUNNED! They told me I had made a promise to marry him, and I shouldn’t break it. “yes, what he did was wrong, but marriage isn’t easy”…… Did someone give you people Peyote?!
I lost many “friends” because of it. I had one male friend, who was truly a friend. He was also my ex’s roommate. He didn’t care for him. I trapped myself in my room for a week. I didn’t eat, just slept. Finally my friend called me, told me to put on some clothes, and we were going to go for a walk to get some fresh air and vent. It was exactly what I needed to get out of the funk. It was so good to hear from someone that I will be fine, and find someone who will be better for me. Well, my friends girlfriend found out we went for a walk (broad daylight, at the University), and called me out DURING SERVICE. She told me that it was wrong for me to console in someone that was not my significant other and “whatever issues you are dealing with, you take them to God, and no one else”

If these were a reflection of Christians, I wanted nothing to do with the faith. They were close minded, angry and full of hate.

So I left it, and was boarder line Agnostic. I didn’t believe, and I didn’t want to believe, but I felt some sort of guilt that, I was doing something wrong. So I began a quest. I researched every religion out there, so when I made my decision, whether it be Christianity, Catholicism or Mormon, I would be making an educated one.

I passed by a coffee shop called “His Grounds”. Kind of catchy eh? A woman on the street asked me to come in to get free coffee. There was live music and some prayer groups going on. I thought. “This is my sign!” So I walked in and it was nice. We got to talking, and she was telling me the power of prayer. She told me her husband had terminal cancer, and they prayed so hard, and he was healed. I told her “I prayed too…my whole church did, and my mom died” and she told me “Then your mother wanted to die”. Holy fuck. Did she just say that?! Yep , that was my sign indeed, I definitely want nothing to do with these crazy people!

Then I met my husband today. he wasn’t religious. We tried to be, but he was on the same understanding with me. “These people are crazy” and “If I’m a good person, I shouldn’t burn for eternity”. Since we were poor in college, we drank a lot of cheap whiskey and put puzzles together, having in depth conversations on life, love and science

We moved to Chicago, and I went to the Adler Planetarium,….. and I felt it. I FELT IT! That warm feeling of acceptance. The one the church people told me about. I felt it….at a planetarium….. I looked to my husband with tears in my eyes and said “This is it. This is my church”. And he agreed.

So, now that I established that my “Church” was equipped with a Telescope and had moon rocks in it (WTF , right?)….I did still feel the guilt. So I wanted to find a way to get over the guilt. *Enter the 14th Dalai Lama*

“”If science proves some belief of Buddhism wrong, then Buddhism will have to change.
In my view, science and Buddhism share a search for the truth and for understanding reality.
By learning from science about aspects of reality where its understanding may be more advanced,
I believe that Buddhism enriches its own worldview.” – the 14th Dalai Lama
 
“Buddhism does not accept a theory of God, or a creator. According to Buddhism, one’s own actions are the creator, ultimately. Some people say that, from a certain angle, Buddhism is not a religion but rather a science of mind. Religion has much involvement with faith. Sometimes it seems that there is quite a distance between a way of thinking based on faith and one entirely based on experiment, remaining skeptical. Unless you find something through investigation, you do not want to accept it as fact. From one viewpoint, Buddhism is a religion, from another viewpoint Buddhism is a science of mind and not a religion. Buddhism can be a bridge between these two sides. Therefore, with this conviction I try to have closer ties with scientists, mainly in the fields of cosmology, psychology, neurobiology and physics. In these fields there are insights to share, and to a certain extent we can work together.” – The 14th Dalai Lama
 

It made sense. It fit perfectly in what I already believe in my heart. I started reading his books, “An Open Heart“, and it made sense! I would read pages to my husband and he would just passively smile at me and says “Sounds like he gets us”.

Isn’t that what faith and religion should be about? I shouldn’t feel guilted into something, just because someone thinks I will go to Hell if I don’t. I love it. It has helped me so much with this trying to conceive journey. It helps me to be less bitter (I know some of my posts prove otherwise), to not hate, and realize that THIS is my life.

Right now I am reading “The Buddha Walks into a Bar: A guide to life for a new generation” . It is INCREDIBLE! Last night I was reading how to be kinder to yourself, and that jealously will not help a situation. I would recommend it to anyone feeling the bitterness and anger of TTC. The book is for anyone, Christians, Catholics, Mormons, Hindu’s, Jewish, Atheists, or those still on the search.

The Buddha Walks Into a Bar...: A Guide to Life for a New Generation

It’s a long post. And if you read this far, let me know by commenting below lol, and Thank You.

Till then,
Mrs. M

My Lemon

Lem·on [lem-uhn]– noun : a person or thing that proves to be defective, imperfect, or unsatisfactory; dud.

That, my dear readers…would be the definition of my uterus. I don’t know what is going on here. I’ve been taking my temperature ever morning, and each morning there has been a .1-.2 drop. I.e. 98.2, 98.0, 97.7, 97.7, 97.5, 97.3……usually I hold strong right at around 97.7.

Today is CD 13. I am suppose to go to my “Post-coital” exam today, but I haven’t ovulated. There is nothing that is showing I will ovulate either. I don’t have an access of CM, I don’t have steady temps, and my OPKS aren’t even turning a little bit darker. So I don’t know. I wish I could just call him and tell him to do an IVF , because this trying each month is getting exhausting! We “do the deed” every other day, but let me tell you, when you’re cycle is 36-42 days….. that’s a lot of sex for a working couple! I know we are young, and suppose to be like rabbits, but sometimes life makes you too damn tired.

Today, I am too exhausted to give a damn. I was on pinterest this morning to help with the Facebook withdraws, but now my friends have created “baby” folders and are posting cribs, and room decors, and pregnancy diet guides….I admit, I do it every now and again, especially on the TWW to keep my hopes positive. But today. I just don’t care. I am exhausted. I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any friends, so I sit around all day stewing about how bad I want kids, and what more I could do….

I drink apple cider vinegar, I eat pineapple, I’m taking fertility drugs, I’m going to an acupuncturist, I am meditating, I go for walks, I have sex every other day. To be honest, this emotional roller coaster is tough.

What bothers me the most though, is that I wanted this to be such a fun experience. I wanted to love having sex with my husband. I imagined my conception story would be us  getting drunk one night, making some ‘bad’ decisions (like doing it on the couch with the curtains open), have some crazy sex, laugh about it the next two weeks, but not think anything of it, and then when I was late, take a test and be shocked and excited…..This couldn’t be further from how I thought my conception story would be.

I want to restart. But I’ve tried. So now, I’m going to hope that my “mechanic” (Fertility Doctor) can fix my Lemon.

Till Then,
Mrs. M

Sleeping Beauty….or maybe Beast.

So I am on my first ‘real’ round of 50 mg clomid. I remember taking clomid when I lived out east, but I was working all three of my shifts each week, my sleep pattern was all over, and my OPKS told me I was ovulating for like, 10 days straight…. I took it for two months with the same results (no real side effects though) nothing! So I was a little disheartened. My husband told me to just wait until we get back to Illinois, and in our own house, and all will fall into place.

So we started our first round of Clomid this month (first full cycle after being back in Illinois). I dont know WHAT is going on (if anything) but  I am on day 11 of my cycle and I have been a crying-crazy-tired-beast. All I want to do is CRY! I had one of the most important interviews of my life yesterday, and I feel like I nailed it, but they wont know who they are going to choose for “another couple of weeks”….I got in my car and CRIED. God only knows why. My husband called and asked how it went, and I just was sobbing so hard, I had to get off the interstate!

The last couple of days (more like a week and a half) I have been like Sleeping Beauty. I can’t wake up. I’m a napper every now and then, but this last week, I have not been able to stay awake. I wake up at 4:30 am with the hubby to make him breakfast, and I feed and let the dogs out, then I crawl back into bed by 5am, and sleep until 9 am. I get up and clean the house, do some laundry, Play on facebook, do some e-mails, budget and finances…. and then by 1 pm I am so tired I can hardly move. My whole body aches. So I lay down around 1:30 and I will sleep until 4 pm. Then, 9pm rolls around, and I am ready for bed! Every night, I wake up sweating….gross, I know.  I’m not even a sweater. I don’t even sweat at the gym, but put a single sheet on me at night, and I wake up so hot i think I’m going to throw up. It’s winter in Chicago, and I have the heat set at 62 at night just to keep from getting dehydrated.

What is going on? Is it the clomid?  Are my hormones ACTUALLY being effected this time? I didn’t have any of these symptoms (that I can remember) the first time around. Maybe I’m in menopause. I’ve heard of women going into it at a young age.

I was suppose to go to the Acupuncturist this morning, but I felt so sick (hungover like) that I couldn’t imagine laying on my back and not moving with needles in me for 45 minutes. So I canceled. Then I hopped into the shower, and cried because I felt so disappointed in myself for not going. The whole shower, I was thinking “what if this was the session that was going to get you pregnant ….and you blew it because you couldn’t woman-up and just go to the appointment”…So to compromise, I’m going to take a bath later and see if I can’t shake this hormonal crazyness.

God I feel so sick right now. I just want to take an entire bottle of TUMS and fall back asleep

Till then,

Mrs. M

The humble games

aye, yi yi! So the two week wait ended in it’s usual way -in bed curled up with cramps and bitterness. “What am I doing wrong?!” was the only understandable sob my husband could hear.

This is a new cycle though, and I started my  first round since living in PA. I think it will be better. I’ve already noticed a difference in hormones from it…night sweats (it’s winter and all we had was a sheet on the bed!), moodyness and irritability. It’s sunny out today, so I’m acutally in really good spirits…

So apart from starting the Chlomid (I already finished my 5 doses for this cycle)…..I have to….OH GOD I dont even want to say it here, because I am sooooo……You know, I have no words to describe it. But I have to do a Post-Coital exam!

Has anyone had to do that? I know us ladies trying to figure out our infertility have to get looked at, poked and prodded all the time….but to have a Dr. tell you to have sex, and then come in the office a half hour later so he can make sure my husbands swimmers and staying alive. The thought of it is horrify.

If anyone has been through this, I would really appreciate some advice/sympathy/reassurance!

Ok, in other news. I had a job interview for a position I want SOOOOO badly. It’s what I went to school for, its down the road from my house,….it’s everything I want! I had a phone interview today. Usually I nail interviews. I’m personable, i speak well and I engage with the interviewers in front of me. So to have someone who can’t see me, and just hear my stubble over words as I try and adjust to the new technicque, was horrible. I totally botched it. I sounded like a 3rd grader trying to recite the preamble. Good greif!

So we still aren’t sure if we are moving or not. So that is still a little stressful. We may be here in Illinois for a couple months/years, or we could be relocating by the end of next month.

Also, to add insult to injury, has anyone read Fifty Shades of Grey? I blew threw the first two books, now I’m at a standstill with the third. But if you have read it,( as to not ruin it for those who havent), I just got to the page where Ana has a Blip. SooooooI closed the book and cried myself to sleep.

Que sera sera, right? post-coital