My Lemon

Lem·on [lem-uhn]– noun : a person or thing that proves to be defective, imperfect, or unsatisfactory; dud.

That, my dear readers…would be the definition of my uterus. I don’t know what is going on here. I’ve been taking my temperature ever morning, and each morning there has been a .1-.2 drop. I.e. 98.2, 98.0, 97.7, 97.7, 97.5, 97.3……usually I hold strong right at around 97.7.

Today is CD 13. I am suppose to go to my “Post-coital” exam today, but I haven’t ovulated. There is nothing that is showing I will ovulate either. I don’t have an access of CM, I don’t have steady temps, and my OPKS aren’t even turning a little bit darker. So I don’t know. I wish I could just call him and tell him to do an IVF , because this trying each month is getting exhausting! We “do the deed” every other day, but let me tell you, when you’re cycle is 36-42 days….. that’s a lot of sex for a working couple! I know we are young, and suppose to be like rabbits, but sometimes life makes you too damn tired.

Today, I am too exhausted to give a damn. I was on pinterest this morning to help with the Facebook withdraws, but now my friends have created “baby” folders and are posting cribs, and room decors, and pregnancy diet guides….I admit, I do it every now and again, especially on the TWW to keep my hopes positive. But today. I just don’t care. I am exhausted. I don’t have any kids. I don’t have a job. I don’t have any friends, so I sit around all day stewing about how bad I want kids, and what more I could do….

I drink apple cider vinegar, I eat pineapple, I’m taking fertility drugs, I’m going to an acupuncturist, I am meditating, I go for walks, I have sex every other day. To be honest, this emotional roller coaster is tough.

What bothers me the most though, is that I wanted this to be such a fun experience. I wanted to love having sex with my husband. I imagined my conception story would be us  getting drunk one night, making some ‘bad’ decisions (like doing it on the couch with the curtains open), have some crazy sex, laugh about it the next two weeks, but not think anything of it, and then when I was late, take a test and be shocked and excited…..This couldn’t be further from how I thought my conception story would be.

I want to restart. But I’ve tried. So now, I’m going to hope that my “mechanic” (Fertility Doctor) can fix my Lemon.

Till Then,
Mrs. M

8 thoughts on “My Lemon

  1. Oh I am right there with you. I got here by clicking on a comment you left at “The Swiss Wife Style”. I wanted to let you know that you are not alone…. and offer my support, and say that I feel you girl. I am also unenmployed, though overqualified (I have 2 scientific degrees) and I can’t even get customer care positions. To top it off the one dream I wanted the most: being pregnant and having kids feels like it’s been taken from me. For all the talk on how we can have it all, the kids and the career… apparently I can’t have either, so does that make me a complete failure? Somedays I think so but I refuse to believe it.
    This stuff is hard. I will be thinking of you and hoping this all will be over soon. What has helped me is noticing the joy in the little things (reading, tea, time with friends, walks in the park). I know so cliché. And thinking that I only have to take it 1 month at a time. And avoiding comparisons. They are the devil. It took a lot of pain to accept that my path is not anyone else’s ,my story is different and that this is not punishment, sometimes life just sucks. Wishing all the best for you.

    • I’m sorry you are in the struggle too! I think you can definitely understand where I am coming from. I too, cant get a job at a Meijer or Walgreens because I’m “overly qualified”. I applied for a Once-in-a-life-time job last week and had an interview….but they told me it will be about two weeks before they make their decision….two weeks…another F’ing two week wait! haha I think my whole life is in two week intervals.

      I do find that reading does help, although in BOTH of my last two books, the leading lady got pregnant by accident…… and yes, I cried! I need to read more, and visit facebook less. I just sit here with way to much time on my hands. I don’t get to work, and I don’t have any kids, we just moved back to Chicago, so I dont have any friends,…..so I just stew at the people that one at least one of those! hahaha. I think the next cycle I am really going to try and be less bitter.
      Good luck to you!

      • Good luck with the waiting…. and I will be crossing my fingers for you. In fact I’ll light a candle for you now (yeah it totally sounds hippie dippie, but I’m also *that* superstitious… who knows, maybe it works 🙂 )
        Oh. I totally cried when a July Delpy got pregnant at the end of a movie (2 days in NY). These are unreal, imaginary pregnancies, and they are able to strike a reaction. Anyhow, I’m hoping for you 🙂 And let’s fight to stay positive (I force myself to on the days when it does not come naturally. I make it a point to push the negative thoughts away because they just make me sadder and I don’t need that)..

  2. I hear you that we all think we have “lemons”, but here is the biggest cliche ever – what do you do with a lemon – make lemonade! You have to remain positive even when you feel like throwing in the towel. Those positive feelings affect your body even if you think they don’t. Everyday is a struggle – I totally understand that and it can be tiring…very, very tiring, but you have to think positive. We are all going to get pregnant…one way or another. And yes this is a struggle for us, but the joy we are going to feel the day we give birth is going to be soooo worth all this pain. For some unknown reason, we are not one of the lucky ones who just looks lovingly at her husband and gets knocked up…for us it is work and hard work. And this right now is our job…even if you don’t have a job you go to. The job, the goal is to be positive and love your body…all of it and believe that it is going to work the way it is supposed to. I know you are probably aggravated with me for telling you to stay positive, but I really think it can make a difference in how our body works and reacts and our thoughts can have a big impact on that. I am still childless just like you, but I am praying that this will end soon for both of us and soon you will have a new blog all about how wonderful it is to me a mother. Hang in there! It’s been six years for us, but I am still hoping every month that somehow the result will be different this time.

    • No, your words were wonderful!!! I need to stay positive. I tell my husband that all the time. I often wonder if I am not pregnant because of a “self fulfilling prophecy” because I have it set in my mind that it will never happen. I have been really working on reading books written for the purpose of relaxing and “enjoying the ride”. Tonight I read a chapter and it was all about how not to be so hard on yourself. It was pretty incredible. I just need to do a much better job at it! So thank you for giving me the jab in the ribs I needed!

  3. I’m sorry that you had to have a post coital test. I almost had one done but then for some reason my doctor didn’t do it. I sure wasn’t looking forward to it! You are sure right …. it is exhausting to have to have sex that much! I don’t have a real job right now. (I do maid work but its not daily). It’s hard to be home alone and bored all day. I hope this cycle of Clomid turns out to be your BFP!

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