!@#$%^&*!!!!!!

I was doing so well! Nice Friday night with the husband, and my husbands brother and Sister-in-Law who are expecting (without trying) called to see how things were going. And she told us how neat it was to see her body start changing, and her belly starting to get hard. “My senses are so heightened, is the coolest thing!”

Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s like telling a person who lost their eye sight, how awesome spring is because of all the vivid colors, and the rainbows, and the beautiful the sunrises …..

I know. I should be happy for them.

I just read a blog, from a couple, who painfully just lost their baby a month after she was born, due to labor complications. I couldn’t imagine. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but I know they really loved the baby. Two weeks after they held the funeral for their child, the mother was explaining how they are going to try for another baby as soon as she is physically healed from the labor….. This is also coming at the same time there is a donation board going around, to help them pay for their medical bills because he lost his job and she doesn’t have one, and since they aren’t married they don’t have insurance….

It’s none of my God-damn business, I know. I’m not in their shoes and I couldn’t imagine a loss like that… But it would be fucking nice to just get pregnant by looking at someone and not worry about whether we could/should afford to raise a child given the current situation.

I woke up today, my temp is still going down. I’m at 96.8. Still no sign of a positive ovulation test. I’m so fucking tired of arguing with my husband. We have the most unromantic sex you can imagine, every other fucking day. Then, because work was stressful this week, and he worked long hours, we didn’t  have sex for three days. Now I’m wondering if we blew it.

Why is this so fucking hard! I want to talk about my belly getting hard. I want to day dream about cribs and bibs and looking at strollers. I am so beyond bitter right now. I shouldn’t be. It could be a lot worse…. I have my health, my SIL does not. She is battling a long-term autoimmune disease, and has stopped treatments just so they can try to have a child, otherwise they will never be able too. She is SO sick from the disease too. I think that’s what bothers me; if she has a hard time getting up in the morning because she is in so much pain, and there are days she physically can not leave the house, how is she going to get up in the middle of the night to a crying baby?

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe I am just scared of being the “broken one” or never being able to feel my belly grow due to something other than food. I’m scared that the names I’ve already picked out will never be used. I’m scared that my maternal instincts will go to waste. I’m scared this jealously and anger will be the end of me.

 

10 thoughts on “!@#$%^&*!!!!!!

  1. Ik its hard. i saw my sister carry a baby she tried only a yr for. her baby is 10 months old. my sil tried 1 ONE month!! Her baby is a yr and a half. 5 Of my cousins, bf, and a bunch of DH cousins all concieved and gave birth to healthy babies in the yrs since I’ve been trying. its sooooo hard. my sil gave birth and my sister concieved right around the same time that my DH had his varicolectomy (which failed). I found out my sil was expecting while still on the mend from my laparoscopy. (Didn’t really help). I just want u to know that u r not alone. I’ve been jealous of pregnant dogs! Lol. but the sex will improve. i promise. i hated sex for awhile. the funny thing is… now we cant do it for a couple months. and i mean NOTHING bc of our high risk ivf status. DH is falling apart… the man who didn’t enjoy all that baby making sex for all the yrs we tried lol!! Try to enjoy it now. i tell DH he should hav enjoyed it while it lasted lol.hang in there. God bless. btw my sil didn’t know about ovulation . i guess she thought everyday was fertile lol. i about died when i heard that. me. the clomid popping, temp taking, chart obsessing infertile and her… oblivious and pregnant. grrrrrrr!!!

    • hahaha, yes! isn’t that terrible?! I asked my dog “How the hell did you get pregnant so easily?” lol. Terrible! I know I’m not alone, I just felt like it last night. I’m sure my SIL probably went through the same thing, because she wasn’t allowed to have children during her treatment for the last 6 years, and everyone around her was having kids. She was on Depo for 10 years, and didn’t need to try and do anything when she got off it, just slept with her husband, and bamb, pregnant!

  2. I feel ya, I really do. I feel so bad sometimes for not being able to be happy for other people. And then I also sometimes feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. Like for example, when I think of someone I know who lost their baby after 4 months due to a brain tumor they didn’t even know he had. It was so sudden! I feel like their feelings of loss and anger must be a million times worse than mine. But, you have to allow yourself to feel the way you feel. And let it out! I feel like having your own blog is the safe way to do it. 🙂

    Re: the sex. Yeah, been there. We’ve only been married 2 1/2 years. I feel like we should be in the romantic stage still. Some of it is due to me and my issues, but BD’ing all the time for TTC purposes can sure take the fun out of things, esp. from his perspective. Have you heard of “Forty Beads?” I gave my hubs a version of it for V-day, about to write about it. Might be something to think about?

    xo

    • Oh, this trying to conceive journey! The bitterness is the worst feeling. I’m reading that book called “The Buddha walks into a bar”, and it really does help, but it’s not unnatural to still feel anger….just what we do with that anger I guess…I’m pretty sure Karma is keeping me from getting pregnant! Until I can feel happy for someone else, maybe the, will I be able to get pregnant.
      I had a great conversation with the hubby last night, and felt so much better, and guilty about feeling so “selfish” towards my SIL.
      I haven’t heard of the Forty beads, but I’ll check out your blog and google them!
      Thanks dear!

  3. I completely understand your frustration! My 22 year old sister-in-law is about 12 weeks pregnant right now, only married for six months and completely not ready to be a parent. I know I should be happy for her and my brother in law (my husband’s brother), but I just can’t! Just thinking about her makes me sick. The thing is, they say they weren’t planning this, but I know my sister-in-law was and my brother in law was an unsuspecting “victim” so to speak… I almost feel like she did this to spite me, because she knows how badly I want to get pregnant and how hard we have been trying. I am sure she didn’t, and, again, I know I should be happy for her. But I’m not. You are not alone and I think this is only natural. Best of luck to you!

    • AH, painful! “This is totally unexpected” is the WORST thing to hear! And then to add insult to injury, to see people get pregnant who are soooo unprepared is the perfect recipe for bitterness. Good luck to you too!

  4. Your last paragraph is so true and exactly how I feel! This is so damn hard and I hate this situation we’re in. Why is life so unfair?! But I must admit, reading everyone’s blogs makes me feel a bit better knowing that we all have the same feelings and that I’m not the only bitter one who over thinks things! I hope this week is a better one for you! x

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