I was doing so well! Nice Friday night with the husband, and my husbands brother and Sister-in-Law who are expecting (without trying) called to see how things were going. And she told us how neat it was to see her body start changing, and her belly starting to get hard. “My senses are so heightened, is the coolest thing!”
Are you fucking kidding me?! That’s like telling a person who lost their eye sight, how awesome spring is because of all the vivid colors, and the rainbows, and the beautiful the sunrises …..
I know. I should be happy for them.
I just read a blog, from a couple, who painfully just lost their baby a month after she was born, due to labor complications. I couldn’t imagine. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy, but I know they really loved the baby. Two weeks after they held the funeral for their child, the mother was explaining how they are going to try for another baby as soon as she is physically healed from the labor….. This is also coming at the same time there is a donation board going around, to help them pay for their medical bills because he lost his job and she doesn’t have one, and since they aren’t married they don’t have insurance….
It’s none of my God-damn business, I know. I’m not in their shoes and I couldn’t imagine a loss like that… But it would be fucking nice to just get pregnant by looking at someone and not worry about whether we could/should afford to raise a child given the current situation.
I woke up today, my temp is still going down. I’m at 96.8. Still no sign of a positive ovulation test. I’m so fucking tired of arguing with my husband. We have the most unromantic sex you can imagine, every other fucking day. Then, because work was stressful this week, and he worked long hours, we didn’t have sex for three days. Now I’m wondering if we blew it.
Why is this so fucking hard! I want to talk about my belly getting hard. I want to day dream about cribs and bibs and looking at strollers. I am so beyond bitter right now. I shouldn’t be. It could be a lot worse…. I have my health, my SIL does not. She is battling a long-term autoimmune disease, and has stopped treatments just so they can try to have a child, otherwise they will never be able too. She is SO sick from the disease too. I think that’s what bothers me; if she has a hard time getting up in the morning because she is in so much pain, and there are days she physically can not leave the house, how is she going to get up in the middle of the night to a crying baby?
Maybe it’s fear. Maybe I am just scared of being the “broken one” or never being able to feel my belly grow due to something other than food. I’m scared that the names I’ve already picked out will never be used. I’m scared that my maternal instincts will go to waste. I’m scared this jealously and anger will be the end of me.