Reset.

We went away for the weekend….Kentucky, Ohio, Indiana and Illinois, it didn’t matter where we were, it was just nice we were there together. My husband is moving in less than a week, and we went to Ohio to apartment hunt for him. Talk about strange. I was walking through¬†apartments thinking ‘this is where my husband will be for the next 5 months without me…who is going to cook for him? What if someone breaks in? What if he has an asthma attack and I’m not here to wake him up out of his sleep and fetch his inhaler’ and my heart started to break.

It’s only for 5 months. It will be a good 5 months. It will be a time we can have, that many don’t get the chance to (not that many people want to). We get to take a break, and reset our marriage, or relationship, and our goals in life. We get a couple months to relax and not think about babies. We can work on getting into shape. I have gained an unnecessary amount of weight on Clomid (anyone else?), and along with having to deal with the emotional roller coaster that dates the process of trying to conceive and infertility drugs, I am not going to lie, I’m looking forward to taking a break. I know I have only started Clomid (Round 4 with a three month break in between) but I really want to work on my marriage and getting healthier. In the last couple of months, I’ve made a cross country move, set up my house, started a new job, and am relocating my husband again.

Being apart will have it’s benefits. I know many of you will think I’m off my rocker, but we could use this. 5 months of not thinking about babies. 5 months of what was full of badgering to have sex and a desperation for communication, will be replaced by long conversations filled with lots of “I love you”‘s and “I miss you”‘s. I am going to eat better.

It’s one of my husband and I’s down falls. We love to go out and eat. There are so many restaurants in Chicago, that it’s hard not to pick a different one every night and try it! We love food….okay, so maybe it wasn’t just the clomid that made me gain an unnecessary amount of weight the last couple months, but it didn’t help ūüėČ We love going out to eat because it’s time we get to spend together, and try different cuisine, and talk about it. When we first moved to Chicago after college, we did an “International Date Night”. Every Friday, or every other Friday, we would choose a new restaurant that served a different world cuisine we had yet to try…. Thai, Chinese, Irish, Scottish, African, Russian, Ukrainian, Italian, Jamaican… you name it, Chicago cooks it!¬† Maybe we’ll picking it up again, since the hubs will be in Cincinnati, and I’ll be here, and we are going to do an “every other weekend” kind of relationship.

Anyway, I’m welcoming this reset. I’m looking forward to spring, fresh air, some alone time, and some much much needed relationship building time. Just think, we’ll be apart for two weeks and only have the weekends together….I think it will help us remember how precious our time is together, and rebuild that excitement and love we have always had, but has been smothered by dreams of baby’s.

This weekend was a glimpse of what it will be like. We stayed in a nice hotel, we drank, ordered in, cuddled, slept in (except for the 5:30 am potty call my dogs are scheduled too!….HOW DO THEY KNOW?!) and explored the new town. We didn’t talk about babies, we didn’t talk about sex. We just talked about life and what we are going to do on the weekend when I come visit, and a plan on how we can pay off our debt in the next couple of years, so I can travel with him on these short jobs and not worry about working, just being together. Maybe we’ll have a family by then…maybe we wont, but it can’t ruin me =(

Like I said in the previous posts. We aren’t in the TWW because we didn’t have sex during the right times….except the first day of the positive OPK…. It’s been nice not really thinking about it. I got sick a couple nights ago, and my husband got a little excited and I got frustrated, because I had to reiterate the fact that we had to have sex during the right times to get pregnant, and to PLEASE not give me any false hope.

It’s crazy how your body makes you feel pregnant during the TWW even when you know, without a shadow of the doubt, you aren’t. Maybe it’s a good reality check, to cool the fuck down during the TWW and not listen to ever sign your body gives you, because sometimes…shes just a lying deceitful bitch. haha, thank God for this break coming up eh?! Seriously though, I don’t know if it’s the higher dose of Clomid, or what, but my boobs are so sore, I actually woke up crying in pain because I accidentally rolled onto them last night in my sleep…All I want to do is ice them right now. Anyone on 100mg of Clomid, who didn’t have a successful session get that too?¬†I had horrible acne this past week too…and I never break out. Even the husband made fun of me =(¬† I am so confident that I am not pregnant, I skipped my appointment to get my progesterone check to see if I ovulated. WHY would I do something like that? Because I was scared that instead of a 9 like last month, it was going to be a 25 or something, where the nurse would call and say “Looks like you got a strong ovulation”, and then I would hate my husband more. So I didn’t want to know. Whats the point? So I can sulk about it for the next 5 months?

Oh well, I know it’s going to be hard, but it’s not or first time being away from each other, and although I think life is being a c**t right now, I really to believe that the time apart, and the time to reclaim our sanity, relationship and health, is just what we need so that come September, we can start a stronger and more dedicated round of baby making.

Happy Easter, and I hope you all had the best of luck on your egg hunts!

Till Then,
Mrs. M

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I’m gonna kill him!

Well, I want to kill him at least! (But I won’t I promise).

This “marriage” it turning into a mix between a Soap-opera and a Monster Truck rally– full of tearful, over the top, drama and lots and lots of ruthless yelling.

This 5 months apart will hopefully repair us…..or it’s not looking good for our future. He just doesn’t get it. I work full time, I make dinner, I take care of the dogs,¬† I clean when I get a chance too, AND I have to try and conceive. Yes, I am exhausted with it too, but I still manage to do it all.

When we first started TTC, we tried having sex every other night, and the hubs got burnt out. So we went to OPKS so we wouldn’t have to do every other day for an entire month. Then he started getting burn out doing it every day during my 4 days of Positives. So this month, he PROMISED me that he would be ready. So I took the TEN fucking pills of clomid, I peed on sticks, I check my CM, and here I am, empty as ever!

I have the right to be upset. It doesn’t seem like he cares, and then when I make a comments like “Well, I guess we’ll just have to deal with a life without children, since we can’t even have sex to make them” and he’ll yell from the other room to “Grow up!” and then I just sit in the bedroom stewing and crying, and wondering what the hell I’m doing.

GRRR!!!

I am SO cranky today. We had sex TWICE this month. even for a healthy married couple not trying to have kids, that’s ridiculous. Are women that much stronger when it comes to dealing with multiple stressful things? My boobs don’t hurt, my CM is normal, so I know that the one time during the +OPK we had sex, didn’t even work. What am I going to do? Take 5 months off, and as soon as he comes back home, go back on Clomid, and hope that he doesn’t get sent away the following month, for an 8 month project (highly likely).

I don’t want this to ruin my marriage any more. Yes I want kids, but I really really like my husband.

When do you stop trying? When is your breaking point? After you’ve destroyed your marriage beyond repair? On the brink of destroying it? Or when you start to notice that something just isn’t right? Are priorities having kids? Carrying on a family tree? Or finally having them, and you have so much resentment built with your husband that divorce is the next step, and then you still aren’t happy, because you couldn’t imagine life being better with someone else.

My husband and I are the perfect couple….. so, when is it time to just be happy with that, and secure a long-lifetime full of happiness and adventure together?

I’m 27 years old. There is no reason for this. What the hell do I do?

Till then,
Mrs. M

The Sex Chronicles

This month I will not be partaking in the two week wait….no, that ended the day I ovulated. Why do I get to skip out on the agonizing, stressful, hopeful and full of symptom-spotting that is the two week wait? Because we didn’t have sex.

Now, if you have been struggling with trying to conceive, you know how controlled your month is. You take your drugs on CD 2. You start using your OPK’s on CD 7. You continue peeing on sticks until you get your two dark lines. You have sex. Then you wait…..while doing everything under the sun so that when the TWW ends with your aunty showing up, you don’t have any “what if’s”…”What If I ate the whole pineapple instead of just the core” “what if I didn’t temp right…there was that one night I got up to pee at 2 a.m” “What If my LH surge happened on my lunch”. Now, missing the step “Have sex” it inconceivable for anyone who is trying to conceive, especially if the cycle is a 100mg of Clomid cycle.

We were at that stage of the positive tests, and it’s time to baby dance our little hearts out. The day before we had a positive OPK at lunch, and then it faded at dinner time when I retook. We had sex then, since I DID get a positive at lunch….. The next day, MORNING, LUNCH AND DINNER were the darkest positive OPKS I had ever seen. We hopped into bed, we got naked, we giggled a little bit, we tried, and a little while later, my husband exhaustively declared “I can’t“.

I don’t mean to demoralize my husband on a public form, that’s not the intent at all. It’s not his fault. But as a women who is on her third year of trying to conceive, on her first month taking the 100 mg of Clomid, and knowing her husband will be gone for the next 5 months…to hear “I just can’t” was the most paralyzing thing I think I have heard in a very long time, even more so than the “I have to move two states away, and will be gone for the next 5 months”.

What do you mean ‘you can’t?!’….. It was just too much for him. The three years of scheduled baby dancing, the completely unromantic-strictly procreating kind of sex, and the news that he would be relocating just caught up with him….of all the days, it caught up with him the day I got my positive OPKS.Okay life, you win….I’m tapping out and raising the white flag.

My husband and I laid there for an hour after trying for several, and talked about sex. He asked me “What happened to us? I miss the days when sex was sex….it wasn’t demanded of me and we didn’t have to do it under such pressure”…..I cried, because I know. I didn’t want it to come to this. It was never my intention. My intention was to drink too much wine one night and giggle while stripping all our clothes off and having the best sex of our lives, and then two weeks later realize i had an unexpected late period, which would make me want to test. I imagined I would scream in the bathroom and have my husband come running in. I imagined that I would tell him “OMG! We are going to have a baby!”, I imagined crying, and hugging and having sex right there because we would be so excited. I imagined it would be fun…..Not once, did I ever imagine that my husband would be laying next to me after trying to have sex for a couple of hours and saying “I just can’t…it’s not going to work” and me next to him crying because I know this month we will be out, and he will be gone for the next 5, and then we will have to start all over again when he gets back.

We ended up falling asleep, with the hope and intention that when we woke up, we could do it right away. The next morning came. We got up, I peed on an OPK, it was another dark dark positive! So we got naked and did the dance. We again tried for a couple of hours, of exhausting un-fun sex, and failed. My husband started getting irritated in himself, because he knows how critical this time was….and nothing. Not even an, “I’m close”.

Frustrated, and losing all home, we decided to “take a break” and go out to breakfast. It was our favorite little breakfast place, and Groupon had a coupon for it! We went and sat down….. while I was looking over my menu, and I hear this little voice from behind me say, “Peek A BOO! I see you”. I looked behind me to see this little girl, all of about 3 years old. Her hair in these super cute braids with little colorful clips at the end of each one of them. Her smile, as she stared and me, had the remnants of her french-toast she was still chewing. I smiled at her and said hello. She got out of her booth, ran up to our table, and showed off her neon-green skirt with purple leggings. I smiled, chocked a little bit, and the tears engulfed my face. I pulled out my pony-tail to let the hair fall over my face, and bent to “look” into my purse, while the water just poured out of my eyes, like the gutters of a house during a rain storm.

I couldn’t stop. I thought about that little girl, and how I would never get to experience dressing a 3 year old girl in those brights colors. I would never get to wipe the crumbs off her face and see my reflection in her features. My husband sat across the table and asked if I wanted to leave. Since the little girl was on her way out, I said no. The buss boys came and cleared the table, and the waitress brings¬† a young family to sit next to us, with a 3 month old baby. It took the same amount of time to recognize that it was a baby, for the tears to flood my face. This time, gasps came out. Changing diapers, putting on a cute Sunday dress….tucking her into her car seat and going out to breakfast with my little family, are only a couple things I won’t be experiencing at time soon.

So, we got home from breakfast with out doggie-bags because I couldn’t finish breakfast (It must have been Infant-Saturday there, because we were the only couple there without kids), any way….. I gave my husband some time, and said “want to try again?” and he looked me in the eye, with a kind of sadness like he was going to tell me someone had died, and said “It’s just not going to work. I can’t. I don’t know if its just too much pressure, or that my work is to stressful right now, but I can’t…I’m sorry”.

I tried everything. We tried games (Sexy house wives, anyone?), we tried cuddling, we tried ‘forget about making babys and lets just have fun’. We moved to THREE different rooms, including the couch in the living room, we even tried porn (oh yes….I even went there!)…..and nothing.

What do you do?! I can’t just take it manually….although I thought about it.

When did sex get to be like this? Why is it so much harder to have sex when it’s “time” then any other time. I swear the husband and I are off, because my Aunt comes into town and he can’t keep his hands off me…..but when I’m ovulating, I must be giving off a vibe that is, in the words of John Maher, “Sexual Napalm”.

I looked up adoptions last night, to see if it’s something we should start saving up for. The average cost of an adoption?! $30,000-$40,000….. As I am reading this, I am thinking about how I would work overtime. I’d pay off my student debt, and I would get a cheap car to be able to afford that….while I have friends who had their babies for FREE AND the government GIVES them month each month, because they are single moms.

What am I doing wrong?

Till Then,
Mrs. M

You can’t be serious

Oh, but my husband was 100% serious when he called me today while I was at work to inform me, that he got his “orders” to relocate, and he is due to be in Ohio in two weeks, for a 5 month stint….You know, trying to conceive with a defective reproductive system is hard¬†enough….TTC when your spouse lives two states away is impossible.

At this point, it’s almost humorous, as how impossible it is for us to have kids. Maybe it’s not meant to be?¬† I just, I can’t even ponder that right now, because I want it to be, whether it’s meant to or not.

I started taking OPKS to work with me. Is that strange? I just, I’ve always taken them in the afternoon, and they seem to be stronger at 1 p.m then they are at 6:30 p.m….Has anyone else ever experience that?

Well today, I was on my lunch break, and I sneaked my OPK into the bathroom at work with me and I sat in the stall waiting for it to change. Two very very bright lines appeared. I was excited, but exhausted too. I’ve seen those two bright lines every month for the past 7 months on CD 19. It doesn’t really mean anything any more, other than go home and try baby dance my heart out, and then wait for two weeks.

I’m trying to be hopeful. This is my first month of 100mg of clomid. The only thing I’ve noticed is the lack of EWCM. (TMI ALERT), usually my EWCM is crazy abundant this time each cycle, and now, is not really there….. maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe too much was bad? I don’t know, I’m too exhausted to keep obsessing over it. Especially not that I have to worry about relocating my husband within the next two week.

This is our one chance in the next 6 months to try and catch the egg. No pressure. My

mood is very strange right now. I’m excited that I am ovulating, I’m upset that it’s still at CD 19 and not sooner, I’m nervous wondering if the clomid will give me an ovulation that will be strong enough to stay and produce a good egg, I’m exhausted from all the obsessing and trying, I’m feeling like life is mocking me by sending my husband two states away in the

midst of trying to conceive with medical intervention, I guess, I’m just a grab-bag full of mixed emotions.

Right know though, I’m tired. Tomorrow will be the end of my second full week of work. I’m finished with training, and now I’m just learning how to do my job and keep my head above water, which is exhausting in itself. I have so much going on, I just want to sit in my kitchen and cry, and I haven’t even started the emotional roller coaster of the two week wait, that will start tomorrow or the next day.

Who knows, maybe all this stuff going on will give me a chance to ‘forget’ about¬† TTC, and have it work? All I know, is we are going to baby-dance our little hearts out over the next three days, and do everything we can….until our next chance at it in August/September….

Till Then,

Mrs. M

“You get one life — Live it well”

My breath completely escaped me. I fought to restrain the lump in my throat that was¬† creeping up, which I dare not let out, since it would only bring sobs of painful embarrassment. Her words punched me so hard in the gut I was physically winded…. I had only just met her, how could I hate her so much already?

I miss the old me. The one who was excited for baby announcements. The me that couldn’t wait to go shopping for her friends baby showers. The me that was loving that moment in life when all her friends were getting married and having babies, because that was the¬†period in time in which we were in. It was exciting. We were growing up, falling in love, creating families and doing it together. I miss those days or putting a a pillow under your shirt to help imagine what you are going to look like when you are pregnant….now I put a pillow under my shirt because I fear that this will be the only way to ever see what I would have looked like if I had ever been as lucky as my friends.

On my way to work, I was stuck in traffic on a very icy, very dreary and very cold Chicago morning, when a Jeep went past with the saying “You get one life, live it well” on it’s spare tire. I started thinking about how I wish people were more excited about life…you know, like in the 1920’s, when women would get giddy to go out and meet boys at a dance club. Now it’s just women dressing up like whores, going out with an “I’m the hottest girl in the bar, don’t think about talking to me, I’m better than you” attitude. Where did the excitement go? And then I thought about facebook. The posts of stupid things like, people taking pictures or 54 degrees on their car thermometer to show everyone the temperature in January. (We know…we can feel it.) Or the one-hundred-thousand pictures of your friends dog in different sweaters and poses. How about the pictures on there of college graduations, weddings, and yes, those dreaded ultrasound pictures. Then it hit me. People ARE excited out there. We post thing on facebook, because we are excited and want to share. Have I ever taken a picture of the 5 lanes of taillights bumper-to-bumper in heavy traffic and posted it? Of course! Stupid to most people, I am sure, but I was excited because, being from a small town, it’s a picture of pride. A picture of “Look at what this small town girl is doing! She’s running with the big dogs, shes driving, swearing and jamming out the the radio during Chicago Rush hour traffic!!”.

We shouldn’t take the excitement away. We need more of it. I know the announcements kill us, and take our breath away, but imagine if you were the one posting it.

Once I arrived (late) to work today, I logged into my computer, and herd my boss gather up the people I haven’t met yet, to bring them around to meet me at my desk. As we went around she introduced me to a much younger girl on our team. She seemed nice. she told me her name followed by, “I’m pregnant, so I’ll only be here for a couple of months” and she rubs her still-flat belly…..how, how is this girl who can’t be more than 21 pregnant. She’s not married and she lives with her parents. Why, why not me?! After I tried bringing the oxygen back into my lungs, I said, with an Oscar-worthy performance, “Oh! (smile) how exciting!”… in my head I was thinking ‘Must fucking be nice, now tell me how the fuck you did it!…also, I fucking hate you’.

Then she did the unthinkable to an infertile.¬† “Do you have any kids?”, she asked…perfectly harmless questions, unless you’ve been fucking trying for three god-damn years! …why, WHY does that bother me so much. It’s like they judge. YEs, I’ve been married for 3 years, yes I’m 27 years old, yes we own our house and no, we don’t have kids…..I wanted to kick her in the shins and run to the bathroom and cry. Instead, I gave her the same line I’ve been practicing and telling everyone, “Oh, (smile) not yet, we’ve had a lot going on the last couple of years”…and by “a lot going on” I mean peeing on a stick to see when I’m ovulating, taking my temperature every god-damn morning, chocking down meds that make me hormonal and sweaty, offering-up my vagina monthly to my doctors for them to poke and prod at, getting blood drawn, and did I mention countless hours of weeping and feeling angry, bitter and empty?

But she’s excited…why would I take that away from her. She doesn’t know what I’ve been going through, we met 5 minutes ago.

I brought an OPK today to pee on at work. Negative. In fact, they were starting to get darker, and I had the starting of EWCM, and now it’s all gone. What the fuck is that. I’m on CD 16, and nothing. 100 mg of Clomid and I still manage to fail epically.

Till Then,
Mrs. M

Tip it on back

I’m on CD 14….halfway there…sorta. This is the month I took 100 mg of Clomid. The side effects weren’t as noticeable as the 50 mg, but maybe that is because I took them at night instead of the morning? Or maybe I’m just getting use to the crazy hormones. I still sweat my ass off at night, I’m peeing every 2 hours at night because I wake up so thirsty….who knows. I certainly am not keeping track. What’s the point, right?

I’m taking OPK’s. Those things are so handy. I started my new job this week, and it seems like it’s going to be awesome. Boring and tedious right now, but I have my own cubical and I get to do my own thing. It’s nice. It’s slow pace and the people seem so wonderful….mostly my age too, so maybe I’ll meet some people finally! It’s boring not having friends, but we’ve only been in the area for a couple months, so I’ll give it some time. As I was sitting at my desk, the ladies decided to have a conversation about pregnancy and labor, since one of the ladies is due this week. They all have their experiences, and were explaining contractions. One of the ladies there said her Niece is due any day…shes 18 and lives with her mom, and the pregnancy was 100% unplanned. I did everything I could to not think about the knot brewing in my throat. One of them ask if I had kids, and I said “Oh no, not yet!” (in a very, I’m-from-Chicag-and-waiting-until-I’m-40 voice). She replied “Oh, well plan on having them in the winter, when you ever decided, because that’s our slow seasons (jokingly)”….I thought in my head ‘Lady, if I can have them any time of the year, it’s going to be a God Damn miracle’.

Anyway, so I’ve been taking OPK’s…I found them on Clearance at Meijer….a pack of 20 for¬†$9.98! I ran to my husband and said “LOOK! They are being clearanced!!! These were $40, and they are on sale for $10! So I bought two boxes!!! 40 OKS for $20 bucks!!!”…HA! You know you are trying to conceive when you are more excited about OPKS on sale than you are about BOGO shoes!. Lol, anyway, at first they were so light they weren’t even registering on the OPK! I was a little frustrated, but I was still only on CD 10 and 11. They finally started getting darker yesterday…not positive dark, but darker, so I know I will get a “dark” one soon….which is good. Today I am on CD 14. I have a ton of EWCM…..I know you all wanted to know that, lol, but I’m using this blog as a reference guide too =P. The EWCM is a much welcomed sight. Especially at CD 14. I’m hoping that I will O in the next day or so…it will be nice, especially since on 50 mg, I was still doing a soft O on Cd 22.

I just want this to work. I want the 100 mg to really give be a beautifully strong ovulation.  I have to remember, we had a chemical last month, so it might be possible to get it this month.

I’m so scared my, “it’s-never-going-to-happen” attitude is going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t want it to be. I am trying to turn that around. I started a public board on my Pinterest, where I have been dropping all my baby nursery theme ideas in there, so it is a daily reminder that it will happen….right?

I deleted my Facebook. Almost two weeks now. Sad to say, I don’t miss it. After having it for 9 years, the peace of deleting it has been what I needed, especially when TTC and starting a new job. Too much going on in my life as it is, I don’t need to try and keep up with others. But my Pinterest is starting to reflect my Facebook. ALL my friends are posting pregnancy boards. I feel a little left out, so I created my own…you know….for when it happens, to be prepared, right? I also have a board of where I want to go on vacation, so If I can plan a vacation I want to go on, why can I plan a baby I want to have?

Ah, anyway. It’s St. Patricks day….I think we are going to go to a local Pub and listen to a live piper band. I’m going to drink. I feel guilty, but I still haven’t ovulated yet, and I just want to forget about all of it right now, and go and be normal. What does that even feel like any more?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Till Then,
Mrs. M

“Tip it on back, make it feel good
Sip a little more than you know you should.
Let the smoke roll, off your lips
Let it all go, whatever it is
And tip it on back I don’t wanna lose this feeling
And I don’t wanna close my eyes
I don’t wanna remember what I’m here to forget tonight
So tip it on back”
– Dierks Bentley Tip It On Back-

Eureka!

My husband is a genius! I couldn’t imagine going through this without him. Sure there are lots of men out there, that I’m sure are supportive, and maybe some even more than my husband (“loose the attitude”, remember?) but the way we communicate is purely incredible.

I was feeling a little down today, because I saw so many of my fellow bloggers who found out that this was not their months, and it makes me wonder….will one of these months ever be the month for us.

The scariest thing about TTC, is the fact that it may never happen. All your hopes and thoughts and baby dreams will never happen. The baby names you’ve picked out will never be used. The pregnant belly you imagined you would have will never be felt. It’s nauseating. You wonder if the bitterness will ever go away….

“Please tell me it will be okay”, I ask my husband over and over and over. “It will be okay” he replies….BUT HOW?! Well tonight he answered it. “We will travel and live sick lives. If you aren’t pregnant by the time you are 33 (6 years from now), we will go on a trip of a life time. We’ll go on a vacation to some far off land– Fiji, the Islands of Skye, Ushuaia, you name it, we’ll go. We’ll leave the dogs with someone, and we’ll take off a couple weeks each year, and instead of a college fund, we’ll travel with the money, hell, we’ll buy land in Canada!”

https://i0.wp.com/www.archaeological.org/sites/default/files/imagecache/gallery400/berry_site.jpg

It’s perfect. The two things I have always wanted. Kids and Travel, but not just any kind of

traveling, anthropological/archaeological destinations are my favorite! So we started talking about what we would do, and it made me so relaxed! If it doesn’t happen it doesn’t happen. Easier said than done, I know, but we have 6 more years to try, and if it doesn’t happen, I am going on the trip of my dreams. I have always wanted to go on an Archeological dig, and there are places that you can do it as a vacation! My husband and I would be all over that! We consider ourselves hobby archeologists/astronomers lol, silly, but we enjoy it, so what the hell.

Maybe this will help soften the blow of receiving a negative test each month. Maybe it will be just enough that the knot in my stomach will start to go away, and I can be a little more relaxed, knowing that the life I was suppose to be taking, differs from the one I always imagined.

Here are my Top 5 Choices for our “Barren-Vacation” trip…

1. Ushuaia. The southern most inhabited city in the World.

2. Isle of Skye. This has been on my Bucket-list since I was little! the beauty of Scotland is breathtaking alone,¬† I can’t imagine the feeling of serenity you get when looking out off those cliffs..

3. Lord Howe Island, Australia
Lord Howe Island has some of the most beautiful palm trees.https://i0.wp.com/i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/dam/assets/110930080231-lord-howes-12-best-places-bt-horizontal-gallery.jpg

4. Machu Picchu.

5. Salt Flats in Bolivia
 

Of course I will still be hoping each month that it will happen, but at least if it doesn’t, I won’t completely feel like I no longer have a purpose to live. Who knows, maybe we will be those DINKS (Double Income No Kids) you see on House Hunters International that want to buy their second home in another country to “get away from it all”….

Till then,
Mrs. M

Greece….oh ya!

Insult to Injury…the Baby Shower

Okay, so¬† a couple posts ago, I wrote about my SIL having a baby shower, and that we are expected to make the 9 hour trip to attend. Well the husband told them we’d both be there… I have two months to “Man up”, so it is what it is….. he’ll be there with me thank god. So the SIL and I were talking and she was going to pick a date that works best for them…. the date?…. Fucking Mothers Day.

Are you serious?! Mothers Day isn’t my favorite of days, since I lost my mother to cancer when I was 14. So this Mothers Day, not only do I get to be motherless, but I get to attend a Baby shower 100% barren! fuck. my. life.

So I am really trying to work on being calm, not being so selfish and worrying about myself….. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I am having¬† future “flashbacks” to the shower….. a circle with a bunch of women and their babies laughing at the joys of life,¬† and my pregnant SIL, opening up Elephant gifts (which is what I want my future nurseries decor to be) and everyone wishing her a Happy Mothers Day….. I can already see and feel my breath getting shorter and harder. Suffocating? probably. The anxiety makes me reach for another glass of wine, and feeling guilty with every sip that will trickles down my throat.

Two months away.

If there is a higher power, I would really like for him/her to step in and make me be pregnant before the shower, so i can make it through it….if even just for the sake of what I will be doing to my liver if I have to attend with an empty uterus.

I’m selfish.

On my pinterst, I start looking at cute baby things for gifts, and I start crying because I want that. I don’t want to give it to someone else. I asked her if they thought of any names, and she says she doesn’t want to “divulge” in case we get pregnant and take them….. well guess fucking what sister, I have names picked out already, and if they happen to be the same, then I guess we’ll have cousins named the same! My eggs have been named since I was 15 years old, just because it’s taking me a bit longer than expected, I’m not changing.

I know without a shadow of a doubt they won’t be the same though. Again, we are very much opposites. I want names that reflect my husbands and I’s heritage, she wants popular common names.

I told her finally that we were starting treatments to get pregnant (again, I’m trying to bridge the gap, and be the bigger person). She wanted to know what was going on with my husbands job first, no excitement, no support. nothing. She doesn’t think we are ready to have kids because we move too often, and my husband travels for work…. Maybe I will tell her we are going to wait until we retire to have kids, that would make much more sense. It doesn’t matter that we make 4X what they make. It doesn’t matter that I am a strong healthy (knock on wood) woman who can handle single motherhood for a couple months, because in her eyes, we live too much of an “erratic” lifestyle. When we decided to rescue another dog, she almost blew a disk she was so infuriated. She told us our lifestyle doesn’t allow for dogs, and to adopt such dangerous dogs, is completely idiotic, and we can count on that¬†they will never visit us as long as we own such “man eaters”.

Here is my whiteflag. I just don’t even care enough to bicker with her. I am supportive to her face. I don’t ask her “If you aren’t strong enough to paint the nursery, how the hell are you going to be able to rock a baby for hours?!” “You are only a one car family, when your husband is at work two hours away, what are you going to do when there is an emergency” “You can’t get out of bed without help, how are you going to get out of bed multiple times with an infant wailing in the night?”…. I feel guilty for even writing this. I know it’s not her fault. She shouldn’t not be able to have kids because she is sick….but at least don’t judge me…..

I quit Facebook. It’s been wonderful.

 

“If we only wanted to be happy it would be easy;
but we want to be happier than other people,
which is almost always difficult,
since we think them happier than they are
.”- Montesquieu

It’s so true. The only reason we post things half the time is because we want people to be happy and jealous of our lives. We can be completely happy in our house, but when I see someone post a 4,000 SQFT house that they just bought, it makes me question the 1,200 SQFT house that I love so much. It makes me wonder if the fun long weekend trip to Puerto Rico we’ve been saving up for so long, will be as fun as the pictures of one of my friends 2 week vacation in Dubai.

I am guilty of it. My husband and I travel the entire USA with his work. And being childless, we get to do spontaneous trips….for instance, one weekend we woke up and went to Niagara Falls. We posted pictures. I know people who saved up to do that for their honeymoon and have never been back. We bought a house in Chicagoland. I posted pictures of how nice it is to own my own house, and paint with my updated kitchen and stainless steel appliances, while I know a couple of my friends who are reading it, are having a bitch of a time making this months rent and/or live in low income housing. I posted how awesome it was that I found a job within 2 months of searching, that not only was the position what I went to school for, but that it paid well and was close by….mean while I know people on my Facebook who I went to college with who are still cashiering at the local grocery store (nothing wrong with that), or worse, haven’t been able to find any work and still living with their parents.
The Dalai Lama says, we need more compassion in this life. We should be kind to people, and if “nothing else, do not hurt them“. Bragging is a form of hurt. My friends who are posting pictures of their Ultrasounds and excitement (which as they should, I know i probably will), and it hurts me. My pictures of my house are hurting those who don’t have one, or lost theirs due to the economy. I see pictures of people buy news cars, while the rust holes are getting bigger on ours…. It’s a space on the internet that allows people to get so caught up with other peoples lives, that they forget how well they have it in theirs.

It’s been a couple days and I already feel relaxed. I feel more grounded to my house and my husband and my “man eating” puppies. I feel like I can breath just a little bit better, knowing I wont be logging in and getting frustrated because someone appears happier than us.

Till Then,
Mrs. M

Tear-soaked Pillow

First. I love my husband very very VERY much. I can say, without a doubt, we couldn’t find anyone better for each other. We laugh, we play, we can hang out and just enjoy being in each others company…..that is, until we fight, then it is like the battle at Troy in my house.

Ladies, I’m sure you can relate. Last night, I was on Facebook (I NEED to get rid of that fucking thing) and one of my closest friends, who I have been confiding with her about getting pregnant, announced last night…that she is four months pregnant. FOUR! So all this time, her telling me “how much harder it was to have kids that she thought” was sitting there with her belly getting bigger. She is one of my best friends, so I am very very very Happy for them, but you know how announcements go, whether you are happy or not, it makes you feel broken.

I started getting a little “stand-offish” with the hubby last night after I read that. I lost all motivation to have¬† a fun “snow day” and watch movies with him while Chicago got dumped on. So he could tell I was getting a little frustrated…and you know what he said….DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?!?!?! He told me to “loose the attitude“…. 0_o…..I was about 30 seconds from running through the snow to the garage to get the weed-wacker¬† and go at him with it!

What more do I have to say and do to this guy to have him feel this way?!

I told him I wasn’t pissed, until he just said that. I told him that it’s clearly different for him and I. I clearly give a shit about getting pregnant and he doesn’t. So he said “Whatever, I’m done with it, I’m not going to deal with you if you are going to act like this”….THIS?! LIKE THIS?! I started suiting up for battle.

The communication lost, is that he thinks I am “trying to keep up with the Jones”…and because all my friends are getting pregnant (and I mean ALL), that I want it more than ever. NO…it’s just a daily reminder that I am defective.¬† *Think men terms*…..so, he has an older truck, and I told him it would be like him seeing everyone driving around with a Nissan Titan (the truck he really really wants), while he has to take his old beater in to get repaired every weekend. It’s frustrating to have to keep “repairing it” when everyone is driving around in the vehicle you want, that doesn’t need any repairs. …..I think it may have given him some understand…..and then he said “ya, but the beater truck still gets me where I am going”…ARE you fucking kidding me?!?!

I ordered that book, “What He can expect, when She’s NOT expecting”. I’m hoping that will help him understand what I am going through.

Last night, we got into bed, and we were going to “talk”…so I started talking, and then, all of a sudden, I hear him start to snore. Holy shit, could I have felt ANY more alone at that moment in time.

At first it was just a small whimper….. and then (I’m sure with the help of the extra dose of Clomid) that whimper unleashed into a kind of sob I haven’t felt in months, if not years. The kind that makes you curl up, squeeze the pillow close to you to try and hang on for dear life. The wail that makes your forehead hurt, and your whole body ache because it’s seizing up with the tension. It came and it didn’t stop. Months of trying to conceive. Months of of POAS, taking meds, and hoping. Months of watching friends and family move on with their lives, while your “vehicle” stays in neutral.

I haven’t given up hope. In fact, I was trying to Google success stories from women who ovulate on their own, but not strong enough, and taking 100 mg of Clomid to “do the trick”. After reading a couple, I realized that each woman is different and somethings may work on others that didn’t work for you and vice verse. I really think this will be out month. If I get a strong ovulation, we should be good. I am hoping. My fingers are crossed. I am hoping to see my Progesterone be in the teens in two weeks.

I need to stay thankful for what I do have. We both have great jobs, we are back in Chicago, we are back in our house that we love and own, we have a very strong relationship (not taking the Weed-whacker to his head, shows the love and control I have for him), we are financially stable, and are prepared for kids….and I know many many many people who don’t have many of those who have kids, and their lives are a living hell right now. so I guess….I just need to Keep Calm and baby on!

Till Then,
Mrs. M

Double the Dose, Double the fun?

I called my Doc today and told him about the events of this weekend. He ordered me to go get a blood test, to make 100% sure I am not ‘pregnant’…. which is insane, because I told him the Mars Rover wouldn’t be able to withstand the current events of my Uterus right now. But never the less, he wanted it documented. After my blood test, he told me I could go to Walgreens to pick up my prescription of 100 mg of Clomid…..doubling the dose of Last month.

I am so hopeful. We caught the egg last month, the progesterone just wasn’t strong enough to continue it. So I’m hoping with 100 mg of Clomid, we will get a nice big ovulation that will give us a strong BFP….(is it bad that I want to star creating a secret Pin board on Pinterest of all my ideas for a nursery now?!)

I’m a little nervous to take 100 mg. I turned into the wicked witch last month, I only fear I might turn into Swamp Thing this month. I’ve heard of ladies taking it at night to sleep through most of the symptoms, so maybe I will try that. I start my first dose tonight. Excited and nervous, I’m not sure which is out ways the other.

I am in a remarkably positive mood today! I even called my sister-in-law today (the baby shower one, who shouldn’t be getting pregnant and did), to try and make amends. I am happy for her, I am. Although we don’t see things eye-to-eye, I have to be the bigger person, and realize she is pregnant, and having a baby she has always dreamed of having, but hasn’t had because she is sick and was undergoing treatments. It very well might be their only child they will ever be able to have, and I need to lay down whatever qualms I have will her, and make this pregnancy as special as I can for her.¬† If I was in her situation, that’s what I would want. Since she is too weak to even paint the nursery, I offered to go over and paint it and get things ready for her.

“The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warm-hearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.
 
As long as we live in this world we are bound to encounter problems. If, at such times, we lose hope and become discouraged, we diminish our ability to face difficulties. If, on the other hand, we remember that it is not just ourselves but every one who has to undergo suffering, this more realistic perspective will increase our determination and capacity to overcome troubles.” The 14th Dalai Lama. (link to whole passage here)

I know I quote him often, but what he says really resonates with me, and so I hope that maybe someone out there will read one of his quotes, and it might offer some sense of understanding, or something…or, I don’t know, I just really love quotes.

I was going to look up Clomid 100 mg success stories, but I don’t want to see stories that didn’t work, because I truly believe it will work. 50 mg worked….sorta, so maybe 100 mg will! I have to be hopeful. I heard Yams are suppose to help with Progesterone too….so maybe I’ll get my Yam on this month.So that is that. I should keep up my good mood and be productive around the house. I start my new job a week from today. I hope the “stress” of starting a new job won’t interfere too much with TTC. I should be ovulating the end of next week or the week after, and that still puts me in training/orientation, so hopefully not too too stressful…besides this last month I had three interviews with this company, and was pulling my hair out waiting to find out if I got the job or not.

Welp, here it goes ladies. I’m wishing you all the best of luck, since I know many of you are in the Two Week Wait right now, and I am hoping for really really good vibes this month. Please help me to stay positive for the next couple of weeks!

Till then,
Mrs. M