Tear-soaked Pillow

First. I love my husband very very VERY much. I can say, without a doubt, we couldn’t find anyone better for each other. We laugh, we play, we can hang out and just enjoy being in each others company…..that is, until we fight, then it is like the battle at Troy in my house.

Ladies, I’m sure you can relate. Last night, I was on Facebook (I NEED to get rid of that fucking thing) and one of my closest friends, who I have been confiding with her about getting pregnant, announced last night…that she is four months pregnant. FOUR! So all this time, her telling me “how much harder it was to have kids that she thought” was sitting there with her belly getting bigger. She is one of my best friends, so I am very very very Happy for them, but you know how announcements go, whether you are happy or not, it makes you feel broken.

I started getting a little “stand-offish” with the hubby last night after I read that. I lost all motivation to have  a fun “snow day” and watch movies with him while Chicago got dumped on. So he could tell I was getting a little frustrated…and you know what he said….DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?!?!?! He told me to “loose the attitude“…. 0_o…..I was about 30 seconds from running through the snow to the garage to get the weed-wacker  and go at him with it!

What more do I have to say and do to this guy to have him feel this way?!

I told him I wasn’t pissed, until he just said that. I told him that it’s clearly different for him and I. I clearly give a shit about getting pregnant and he doesn’t. So he said “Whatever, I’m done with it, I’m not going to deal with you if you are going to act like this”….THIS?! LIKE THIS?! I started suiting up for battle.

The communication lost, is that he thinks I am “trying to keep up with the Jones”…and because all my friends are getting pregnant (and I mean ALL), that I want it more than ever. NO…it’s just a daily reminder that I am defective.  *Think men terms*…..so, he has an older truck, and I told him it would be like him seeing everyone driving around with a Nissan Titan (the truck he really really wants), while he has to take his old beater in to get repaired every weekend. It’s frustrating to have to keep “repairing it” when everyone is driving around in the vehicle you want, that doesn’t need any repairs. …..I think it may have given him some understand…..and then he said “ya, but the beater truck still gets me where I am going”…ARE you fucking kidding me?!?!

I ordered that book, “What He can expect, when She’s NOT expecting”. I’m hoping that will help him understand what I am going through.

Last night, we got into bed, and we were going to “talk”…so I started talking, and then, all of a sudden, I hear him start to snore. Holy shit, could I have felt ANY more alone at that moment in time.

At first it was just a small whimper….. and then (I’m sure with the help of the extra dose of Clomid) that whimper unleashed into a kind of sob I haven’t felt in months, if not years. The kind that makes you curl up, squeeze the pillow close to you to try and hang on for dear life. The wail that makes your forehead hurt, and your whole body ache because it’s seizing up with the tension. It came and it didn’t stop. Months of trying to conceive. Months of of POAS, taking meds, and hoping. Months of watching friends and family move on with their lives, while your “vehicle” stays in neutral.

I haven’t given up hope. In fact, I was trying to Google success stories from women who ovulate on their own, but not strong enough, and taking 100 mg of Clomid to “do the trick”. After reading a couple, I realized that each woman is different and somethings may work on others that didn’t work for you and vice verse. I really think this will be out month. If I get a strong ovulation, we should be good. I am hoping. My fingers are crossed. I am hoping to see my Progesterone be in the teens in two weeks.

I need to stay thankful for what I do have. We both have great jobs, we are back in Chicago, we are back in our house that we love and own, we have a very strong relationship (not taking the Weed-whacker to his head, shows the love and control I have for him), we are financially stable, and are prepared for kids….and I know many many many people who don’t have many of those who have kids, and their lives are a living hell right now. so I guess….I just need to Keep Calm and baby on!

Till Then,
Mrs. M

20 thoughts on “Tear-soaked Pillow

  1. Thank you for writing a completely honest account of everything. It makes me glad to know that it is not just my husband and I who have these fights but are still completely in love. That book has helped my husband tremendously! Sending good vibes your way 🙂

    • Thank you both! I agree, its nice to read every ones blogs, because there is so much we can relate to, and encourage each other through! We’ll get there, one way or another =)

  2. Awww. I know that crying oh so well and how you can feel alone in a relationship (thanks to infertility) when really you’re not. Guys just don’t go through all the hormonal crap we do. I guess I realised my husband felt it as hard as me when he got weepy in a toys store.

    Now go hug your man! And lots of wishes that your turn comes soon.

    • Thanks:) He told me he was sorry and he is going to learn to let my moodiness from others annoucing their babies, to “roll off” his back…he said he just felt like he needed to “fix” my mood, when really, you can’t fix this emotion. We are hoping this will be our month though! so I am trying to keep my bitterness at bay.

  3. You’re the same as my hubby and I, we love each other so much and have such a strong relationship but when we fight, boy it’s like full on world war 3! Lol! And all this infertility crap doesn’t help does it? Men don’t see and feel things the way we do. I find it frustrating when my hubby doesn’t react the way I think he should. Like when my friend decided to blurt out her news that she was pregnant knowing full well what I’m going through. She should have told me privately, given me time to absorb it not announce it out of the blue one night with me and the girls on a night out, it made the whole thing so awkward (and now she’s pissed because she didn’t get the enthusiastic response she should have?!) anyway, I kind of want hubby to be angry with her too for the way she’s being towards me but he’s not and that winds me up even more! Lol! I’m sorry your friend announced her pregnancy the way she did (similar to mine), surely you’d tell your family and friends in person before announcing it to the world on Facebook?! That’s very insensitive and tactless in my eyes. I’ve actually come off Facebook and I don’t miss it one bit! It seemed everytime I logged on someone was announcing their pregnancy or posting their scan pics! Anyway, hope you start to feel better (easier said than done I know) and step away from that weed whacker! Lol! Xx

    • YES! I totally agree! Seriously, I am going to let all my friends know before I go public with it, just because I know a couple of them have been trying…but to announce of facebook before you tell me?! HUGE slap in the face! And yes, the husband didn’t understand, so I guess I have to choose my battles of which to fight over.
      I too, just deactivated my account. I will probably have withdraws all morning, so I might write 50 blogs to tame my cyber-social habit, but I think it will be much better for a while. At least until I get my shit together…..facebook was being counterproductive.
      Thanks for the support dear! Hope you are staying positive too!

      • Well done for coming off Facebook! Once you get over the withdrawal symptoms you’ll be fine and won’t miss it at all! Focus on your blog and other things! Good luck Hun! X

  4. I can totally relate to your story as I have too often had the same arguments with my DH. Sometimes, they are only good enough to be slapped and most of the time they get it. At least thats what I’ve experienced. But its those times when they make stupid comments, that you just want to slap the crap out of them.
    Like you, I also HAD (I capitalize that word since I am talking in the past sense of this person) a friend who was very close to me (she had PCOS) and we spent every day on the phone or in the office at work talking about our cycles and what was next. We were both looking at IVF and she was a month ahead of schedule of me. When her 2WW was over, she stopped talking about anything that had to do with TTC and was starting to be very standoffish. She completely cut me out of her life and showed up at my desk 3 months later to announce to me that she was pregnant. I was floored and really really pissed off. It took all of my strength not to get up and slap her. We were so close and when it finally worked out for her, she was no longer in need of my friendship. It made me feel like the broken motor. Anyways, 2 years have gone by since then and I have learned to move on and not get too close to close friends, because when they hurt you, its so much worst than a normal friend or aquaintance. Anyways, what I am trying to tell you with my experience, is that I was really mad at the time, but I am happy that her first IVF worked out for her. She also had PCOS and was not ovulating on time. So it is possible. Her daughter is beautiful and I know she is a great mom. Our friendship however, has never recovered. I am sorry that you also had to experience something like this. I dont have the answers of why people do shit like that and hurt those that are close to them. I am sure that she doesnt understand how deeply she has hurt and shocked you by her reveal, knowing that you have gone through unsuccessful TTC and spoken in detail about it. I just dont get why through all of your conversations, she never told you. Anyways, you are a strong person and this too will pass and make you stronger. Keep hanging on, the ride is not over yet.

    • Thank you so much for the support! I swear, you think someone going through it, and feeling the pain of announcements, would consider yours when their time comes! Like you, I felt like….What the hell?! I have no idea why she didn’t tell me, but it totally broke my heart. SO I deleted Facebook, and hoping that my friends will start to make an effort to F’ing CALL me when they have a life-changing moment. Seriously, what is going on with out society!!! I am glad to hear that Infertility treatments helped her. I find it reassuring when I see fellow bloggers get pregnant, because I know the fight they have been fighting, and that it CAN happen. I am going to keep my head up this month at least. We are still on our Clomid rounds, but I am feeling good about this one. I had a chemical last month of 50 mg, and he has me up too 100mg this month… fingers crossed! Thanks so much again for your support! It made me feel better =)

  5. It’s very natural and common for our men to want to fix everything for us. Unfortunately, they sometimes try to fix the wrong things, like our emotions. It’s sweet, but frustrating. All we want is for them to say, “I understand. This sucks and it isn’t fair. Let’s eat ice cream and watch sappy movies until we can’t cry anymore.” (Okay, maybe it’s just me who wants to hear that.) Instead, they just want us to snap out of it and be better. The irony is that we want that, too. We don’t want to feel this way. I’m glad you were able to work though it.

  6. Ok, as the only guy probably in North America blogging about the our attempts to go thru infertility… I have to say that reading this story made me cringe. Not because I blame you for what you went thru, but because I have completely had the EXACT same fight with my wife. I was having Vietnam-like flashbacks just now, seriously! I do agree with Kitten that a guy’s mindset is “How Do I Fix the Problem RIGHT NOW?” and that is great in theory, but it almost never works in reality.

    • Thanks for reblogging, I’m very flattered! I’m sorry about your flashbacks….as horrible as these fights are, it’s part of the TTC package, eh? At least we can blog, bitch and collaborate as a group which kind of helps take the edge off the ‘I’m completely alone’ feeling. Fingers crossed for you guys!

  7. Beautifully written. I’m sure many, many women can relate to what you are going through. I have a few friends who needed assistance in conceiving and I’m sure I don’t know the half of what they endured but I’ll bet that “defective” feeling was a big part. Good Luck to you and husband and I hope he thanks you every morning for not killing him in his sleep.

      • Thank you! 2013 was a hard year and a long road -but I made it through! I am actually still happily married with no children, and not pursing. I was able to move on and past that part of my life- I think it was the fall or summer 2013 we decided to take a break from trying to conceive. We filled our time with more togetherness, and doing things we enjoyed. I started pursing more of a career, I went back to school, we traveled to 6 countries between 2013-2014! We became happy again. I became happy again, and I told myself I never wanted to revisit that – so we decided to move on as a couple without children – rescuing dogs, traveling, and enjoying life again. I hope that for any of the readers, whether they are going through it now, or had been, to know that life doesn’t have to be over, and you can still live with meaning. We didn’t pursue IVF’s or IUI’s- just wasn’t for us, but we were able to make it out of trying to conceive unscathed. 🙂

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