First. I love my husband very very VERY much. I can say, without a doubt, we couldn’t find anyone better for each other. We laugh, we play, we can hang out and just enjoy being in each others company…..that is, until we fight, then it is like the battle at Troy in my house.
Ladies, I’m sure you can relate. Last night, I was on Facebook (I NEED to get rid of that fucking thing) and one of my closest friends, who I have been confiding with her about getting pregnant, announced last night…that she is four months pregnant. FOUR! So all this time, her telling me “how much harder it was to have kids that she thought” was sitting there with her belly getting bigger. She is one of my best friends, so I am very very very Happy for them, but you know how announcements go, whether you are happy or not, it makes you feel broken.
I started getting a little “stand-offish” with the hubby last night after I read that. I lost all motivation to have a fun “snow day” and watch movies with him while Chicago got dumped on. So he could tell I was getting a little frustrated…and you know what he said….DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?!?!?! He told me to “loose the attitude“…. 0_o…..I was about 30 seconds from running through the snow to the garage to get the weed-wacker and go at him with it!
What more do I have to say and do to this guy to have him feel this way?!
I told him I wasn’t pissed, until he just said that. I told him that it’s clearly different for him and I. I clearly give a shit about getting pregnant and he doesn’t. So he said “Whatever, I’m done with it, I’m not going to deal with you if you are going to act like this”….THIS?! LIKE THIS?! I started suiting up for battle.
The communication lost, is that he thinks I am “trying to keep up with the Jones”…and because all my friends are getting pregnant (and I mean ALL), that I want it more than ever. NO…it’s just a daily reminder that I am defective. *Think men terms*…..so, he has an older truck, and I told him it would be like him seeing everyone driving around with a Nissan Titan (the truck he really really wants), while he has to take his old beater in to get repaired every weekend. It’s frustrating to have to keep “repairing it” when everyone is driving around in the vehicle you want, that doesn’t need any repairs. …..I think it may have given him some understand…..and then he said “ya, but the beater truck still gets me where I am going”…ARE you fucking kidding me?!?!
I ordered that book, “What He can expect, when She’s NOT expecting”. I’m hoping that will help him understand what I am going through.
Last night, we got into bed, and we were going to “talk”…so I started talking, and then, all of a sudden, I hear him start to snore. Holy shit, could I have felt ANY more alone at that moment in time.
At first it was just a small whimper….. and then (I’m sure with the help of the extra dose of Clomid) that whimper unleashed into a kind of sob I haven’t felt in months, if not years. The kind that makes you curl up, squeeze the pillow close to you to try and hang on for dear life. The wail that makes your forehead hurt, and your whole body ache because it’s seizing up with the tension. It came and it didn’t stop. Months of trying to conceive. Months of of POAS, taking meds, and hoping. Months of watching friends and family move on with their lives, while your “vehicle” stays in neutral.
I haven’t given up hope. In fact, I was trying to Google success stories from women who ovulate on their own, but not strong enough, and taking 100 mg of Clomid to “do the trick”. After reading a couple, I realized that each woman is different and somethings may work on others that didn’t work for you and vice verse. I really think this will be out month. If I get a strong ovulation, we should be good. I am hoping. My fingers are crossed. I am hoping to see my Progesterone be in the teens in two weeks.
I need to stay thankful for what I do have. We both have great jobs, we are back in Chicago, we are back in our house that we love and own, we have a very strong relationship (not taking the Weed-whacker to his head, shows the love and control I have for him), we are financially stable, and are prepared for kids….and I know many many many people who don’t have many of those who have kids, and their lives are a living hell right now. so I guess….I just need to Keep Calm and baby on!