“You get one life — Live it well”

My breath completely escaped me. I fought to restrain the lump in my throat that was  creeping up, which I dare not let out, since it would only bring sobs of painful embarrassment. Her words punched me so hard in the gut I was physically winded…. I had only just met her, how could I hate her so much already?

I miss the old me. The one who was excited for baby announcements. The me that couldn’t wait to go shopping for her friends baby showers. The me that was loving that moment in life when all her friends were getting married and having babies, because that was the period in time in which we were in. It was exciting. We were growing up, falling in love, creating families and doing it together. I miss those days or putting a a pillow under your shirt to help imagine what you are going to look like when you are pregnant….now I put a pillow under my shirt because I fear that this will be the only way to ever see what I would have looked like if I had ever been as lucky as my friends.

On my way to work, I was stuck in traffic on a very icy, very dreary and very cold Chicago morning, when a Jeep went past with the saying “You get one life, live it well” on it’s spare tire. I started thinking about how I wish people were more excited about life…you know, like in the 1920’s, when women would get giddy to go out and meet boys at a dance club. Now it’s just women dressing up like whores, going out with an “I’m the hottest girl in the bar, don’t think about talking to me, I’m better than you” attitude. Where did the excitement go? And then I thought about facebook. The posts of stupid things like, people taking pictures or 54 degrees on their car thermometer to show everyone the temperature in January. (We know…we can feel it.) Or the one-hundred-thousand pictures of your friends dog in different sweaters and poses. How about the pictures on there of college graduations, weddings, and yes, those dreaded ultrasound pictures. Then it hit me. People ARE excited out there. We post thing on facebook, because we are excited and want to share. Have I ever taken a picture of the 5 lanes of taillights bumper-to-bumper in heavy traffic and posted it? Of course! Stupid to most people, I am sure, but I was excited because, being from a small town, it’s a picture of pride. A picture of “Look at what this small town girl is doing! She’s running with the big dogs, shes driving, swearing and jamming out the the radio during Chicago Rush hour traffic!!”.

We shouldn’t take the excitement away. We need more of it. I know the announcements kill us, and take our breath away, but imagine if you were the one posting it.

Once I arrived (late) to work today, I logged into my computer, and herd my boss gather up the people I haven’t met yet, to bring them around to meet me at my desk. As we went around she introduced me to a much younger girl on our team. She seemed nice. she told me her name followed by, “I’m pregnant, so I’ll only be here for a couple of months” and she rubs her still-flat belly…..how, how is this girl who can’t be more than 21 pregnant. She’s not married and she lives with her parents. Why, why not me?! After I tried bringing the oxygen back into my lungs, I said, with an Oscar-worthy performance, “Oh! (smile) how exciting!”… in my head I was thinking ‘Must fucking be nice, now tell me how the fuck you did it!…also, I fucking hate you’.

Then she did the unthinkable to an infertile.  “Do you have any kids?”, she asked…perfectly harmless questions, unless you’ve been fucking trying for three god-damn years! …why, WHY does that bother me so much. It’s like they judge. YEs, I’ve been married for 3 years, yes I’m 27 years old, yes we own our house and no, we don’t have kids…..I wanted to kick her in the shins and run to the bathroom and cry. Instead, I gave her the same line I’ve been practicing and telling everyone, “Oh, (smile) not yet, we’ve had a lot going on the last couple of years”…and by “a lot going on” I mean peeing on a stick to see when I’m ovulating, taking my temperature every god-damn morning, chocking down meds that make me hormonal and sweaty, offering-up my vagina monthly to my doctors for them to poke and prod at, getting blood drawn, and did I mention countless hours of weeping and feeling angry, bitter and empty?

But she’s excited…why would I take that away from her. She doesn’t know what I’ve been going through, we met 5 minutes ago.

I brought an OPK today to pee on at work. Negative. In fact, they were starting to get darker, and I had the starting of EWCM, and now it’s all gone. What the fuck is that. I’m on CD 16, and nothing. 100 mg of Clomid and I still manage to fail epically.

Till Then,
Mrs. M

14 thoughts on ““You get one life — Live it well”

  1. After I meet a young pregnant and non married girl I always have the strongest urge to kick her in the shins. That sounds terrible and I think my husband if finally starting to realize I am not a Tanya Harding, I just don’t feel like it is fair and they need to feel one percent of my pain. My therapist, hairdresser and General Practitioner were on maternity leave in the past year. All three know of course about my trouble getting pregnant. But all of theirs were planned. And tey are all amazing women so I can’t hate them. But I can be jealous. My point is, I would feel exactly the same way as you did and I think you did a stellar performance. And I have lived in or near Chicago my entire life and I am still amazed by the traffic at times! Stay strong 🙂

    • Ah, I know, I feel bad for ‘hating’ her….I know she didn’t mean anything by it, but my clomid isn’t working like it should this month, and I’m just bloated, tired, cranky and very very very jealous of pregnant people, lol. I swear, I use to think the TWW was the longest part of my cycle…but the “waiting to ovulate” is getting up there! At least on the TWW there isn’t anything you can do, you either are, or you aren’t. The ‘waiting to ovulate’ is terrible!… peeing on sticks, temp charting, exhausting scheduled baby dancing, and still dealing with the side effects of Clomid. Yikes! I just read your blog….I really hope this is the month for you =) Good luck!

  2. Ik how u feel. i too have felt that pain month after month for 4 and a half very long years. I’m so horribly scared this won’t last. infertility steals the fun because u know how terrible it would b to go back. pregnancy announcements still scare me because i worry… what if they go on to have their baby and i …. shudder! And ppl all the time telling me I’m too worried and its not good for the baby. they have no idea how badly i want to forever stay out of that hell that is infertility . Ik that u will succeed because i can tell that u r a never give up gal!! Just keep trying. its a hard road but u WILL beat infertility because U R STRONG!!!

    • *hugs* Thank you! Your story gives me hope, so I read your blogs daily!!!! I really do hope that this will be our month,….but then again, i say that every month! lol. Thanks for the support!

  3. I hear you, I miss the old me too! This has changed me as a person and I don’t know if it’s for the better or worse. Life is very unfair and hard to understand sometimes but we must try our best to stay positive. Our day will come! 🙂

    • Thank you, I hope it does….or that I find out that it never will be, so at least one way or another I can move on. I’m really trying to focus on “enjoying it” but month and month that gets so much harder to do….I wonder if I’ll ever “miss” this….you know, just my husband and I trying oh so very hard to make a baby, but it’s just us each month dealing with it together.

  4. We “offer-up” so much and never get anything in return. We should at least get a damn sucker when we’re done! So sorry people are oblivious. I got the “oh! My boss had this, took that and she has 2 kids, you’ll be fine” speech the other days. I wanted to kick and scream. We Chicago-ers stick together… thinking of you.

    • Ha, thank you! I know people don’t know what I am going through, because I keep it to myself, but I think at times, it makes it that much harder! I had to train with the pregnant girl all day, and all see did was talk about how much she wants to eat and pee, and how shes loving being pregnant and shes only still a couple weeks along… I wanted to pull her aside and give her the low down on my very very barren uterus, and unless she wants me to start sobbing each day, to tell maybe someone else about her joy…lol, but I didn’t…I was there, being happy for her, and then calling my husband weeping in the parking lot because the world is mocking me. Thank you for your awesomely-chicago support!

  5. Highs and lows. I’m on my 5th year or is it 6th? I’ve stopped counting. Because when I count, I don’t breathe. I find it’s easier when you don’t dwell and linger on the past. Easier to take each cycle as a fresh cycle – renewed chance.

    It’s an emotional rollercoaster.

    • I need to take this advice! I think I do dwell to much on how “sine it didn’t work last month, why will it work this month” kind of attitude. I know it is making things worse, it’s just so damn hard to not think like that, you know? Some days I’m super positive, and the next I’m all kinds of bitter. Plus, I think this clomid is making me fat, and it’s not helping my already negative attitude! lol. Fingers crossed that the clomid works this month! Thanks so much for your advice, I promise I ‘ll keep it in mind.

  6. I think what I am scared about is the person that I have become. It’s almost like I want other people to experience grief and loss like mine. I won’t say that I wish this on other people, but I want them to understand.

    There’s a part of me that I want to say “Don’t get too attached until the 20 week ultrasound,” but that’s just mean. Cruel.

    To me, the question of “Do you have any kids yet” is akin to asking soldier if he/she has killed anyone. I just say “None yet” and smile, but I really want to say “No living children yet,” but I think that might be mean, as well.

    • Ugh, I can’t imagine. Your story breaks my heart, and makes me feel like a complete asshole for bitching about ovulating late! I understand (On a much MUCH smaller level) on what you mean about wanting others to feel the pain. It was SO easy for my SIL to get pregnant the first month or two of trying, and I am so frustrated about that, that I am spiteful about everything about her and her pregnancy…in my mind, she is making all the wrong decisions, I even made the comment as to how ugly her cradle she picked out was (i didn’t tell her that though)! WTF is wrong with me?! ….maybe because she didn’t have to suffer like I am, and maybe I don’t think she is as grateful as I would be…..being bitter and hateful is exhausting, and so unlike me….well, so unlike the old me, I should say. Keep your head up my dear, and if you need to be nasty, then I say, so be it….like the great Dr. Suess says, “Those that matter won’t mind, and those that mind, don’t matter”.

    • Hear Hear! My heart just sinks each time someone asks me ‘ have you any children?’. I feel like saying ‘well about 44 actually. Blastocysts. Very cute they were’ just to see their jaws drop. People have no idea. Hugs to you.

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