The Sex Chronicles

This month I will not be partaking in the two week wait….no, that ended the day I ovulated. Why do I get to skip out on the agonizing, stressful, hopeful and full of symptom-spotting that is the two week wait? Because we didn’t have sex.

Now, if you have been struggling with trying to conceive, you know how controlled your month is. You take your drugs on CD 2. You start using your OPK’s on CD 7. You continue peeing on sticks until you get your two dark lines. You have sex. Then you wait…..while doing everything under the sun so that when the TWW ends with your aunty showing up, you don’t have any “what if’s”…”What If I ate the whole pineapple instead of just the core” “what if I didn’t temp right…there was that one night I got up to pee at 2 a.m” “What If my LH surge happened on my lunch”. Now, missing the step “Have sex” it inconceivable for anyone who is trying to conceive, especially if the cycle is a 100mg of Clomid cycle.

We were at that stage of the positive tests, and it’s time to baby dance our little hearts out. The day before we had a positive OPK at lunch, and then it faded at dinner time when I retook. We had sex then, since I DID get a positive at lunch….. The next day, MORNING, LUNCH AND DINNER were the darkest positive OPKS I had ever seen. We hopped into bed, we got naked, we giggled a little bit, we tried, and a little while later, my husband exhaustively declared “I can’t“.

I don’t mean to demoralize my husband on a public form, that’s not the intent at all. It’s not his fault. But as a women who is on her third year of trying to conceive, on her first month taking the 100 mg of Clomid, and knowing her husband will be gone for the next 5 months…to hear “I just can’t” was the most paralyzing thing I think I have heard in a very long time, even more so than the “I have to move two states away, and will be gone for the next 5 months”.

What do you mean ‘you can’t?!’….. It was just too much for him. The three years of scheduled baby dancing, the completely unromantic-strictly procreating kind of sex, and the news that he would be relocating just caught up with him….of all the days, it caught up with him the day I got my positive OPKS.Okay life, you win….I’m tapping out and raising the white flag.

My husband and I laid there for an hour after trying for several, and talked about sex. He asked me “What happened to us? I miss the days when sex was sex….it wasn’t demanded of me and we didn’t have to do it under such pressure”…..I cried, because I know. I didn’t want it to come to this. It was never my intention. My intention was to drink too much wine one night and giggle while stripping all our clothes off and having the best sex of our lives, and then two weeks later realize i had an unexpected late period, which would make me want to test. I imagined I would scream in the bathroom and have my husband come running in. I imagined that I would tell him “OMG! We are going to have a baby!”, I imagined crying, and hugging and having sex right there because we would be so excited. I imagined it would be fun…..Not once, did I ever imagine that my husband would be laying next to me after trying to have sex for a couple of hours and saying “I just can’t…it’s not going to work” and me next to him crying because I know this month we will be out, and he will be gone for the next 5, and then we will have to start all over again when he gets back.

We ended up falling asleep, with the hope and intention that when we woke up, we could do it right away. The next morning came. We got up, I peed on an OPK, it was another dark dark positive! So we got naked and did the dance. We again tried for a couple of hours, of exhausting un-fun sex, and failed. My husband started getting irritated in himself, because he knows how critical this time was….and nothing. Not even an, “I’m close”.

Frustrated, and losing all home, we decided to “take a break” and go out to breakfast. It was our favorite little breakfast place, and Groupon had a coupon for it! We went and sat down….. while I was looking over my menu, and I hear this little voice from behind me say, “Peek A BOO! I see you”. I looked behind me to see this little girl, all of about 3 years old. Her hair in these super cute braids with little colorful clips at the end of each one of them. Her smile, as she stared and me, had the remnants of her french-toast she was still chewing. I smiled at her and said hello. She got out of her booth, ran up to our table, and showed off her neon-green skirt with purple leggings. I smiled, chocked a little bit, and the tears engulfed my face. I pulled out my pony-tail to let the hair fall over my face, and bent to “look” into my purse, while the water just poured out of my eyes, like the gutters of a house during a rain storm.

I couldn’t stop. I thought about that little girl, and how I would never get to experience dressing a 3 year old girl in those brights colors. I would never get to wipe the crumbs off her face and see my reflection in her features. My husband sat across the table and asked if I wanted to leave. Since the little girl was on her way out, I said no. The buss boys came and cleared the table, and the waitress brings  a young family to sit next to us, with a 3 month old baby. It took the same amount of time to recognize that it was a baby, for the tears to flood my face. This time, gasps came out. Changing diapers, putting on a cute Sunday dress….tucking her into her car seat and going out to breakfast with my little family, are only a couple things I won’t be experiencing at time soon.

So, we got home from breakfast with out doggie-bags because I couldn’t finish breakfast (It must have been Infant-Saturday there, because we were the only couple there without kids), any way….. I gave my husband some time, and said “want to try again?” and he looked me in the eye, with a kind of sadness like he was going to tell me someone had died, and said “It’s just not going to work. I can’t. I don’t know if its just too much pressure, or that my work is to stressful right now, but I can’t…I’m sorry”.

I tried everything. We tried games (Sexy house wives, anyone?), we tried cuddling, we tried ‘forget about making babys and lets just have fun’. We moved to THREE different rooms, including the couch in the living room, we even tried porn (oh yes….I even went there!)…..and nothing.

What do you do?! I can’t just take it manually….although I thought about it.

When did sex get to be like this? Why is it so much harder to have sex when it’s “time” then any other time. I swear the husband and I are off, because my Aunt comes into town and he can’t keep his hands off me…..but when I’m ovulating, I must be giving off a vibe that is, in the words of John Maher, “Sexual Napalm”.

I looked up adoptions last night, to see if it’s something we should start saving up for. The average cost of an adoption?! $30,000-$40,000….. As I am reading this, I am thinking about how I would work overtime. I’d pay off my student debt, and I would get a cheap car to be able to afford that….while I have friends who had their babies for FREE AND the government GIVES them month each month, because they are single moms.

What am I doing wrong?

Till Then,
Mrs. M

26 thoughts on “The Sex Chronicles

  1. I haven’t been trying for three years yet but boy boy when my hubby says “i can’t” i cant help but be mad. I work so hard to get to the point where we can and then he can’t. So frustrating! I try very hard and relax and to be understanding but it is very difficult. We really don’t have just sex anymore in fact because of the fertility drugs just because sex had become less enjoyable. But lets face it i am on a mission and the longer we ttc the more dedicated i am and i think he is too. I say we have a life time to have sex for fun so giving it up for a while wont hurt anyone. maybe a little ego but that is reparable.

    • You are right, I think thats the most frustraiting, is that we, as the women, do EVERYTHING to get that OPK to turn positives. We take the drugs, stay sober, take the vitamins, pee on the sticks, read the books and then when the time comes, the man has ONE JOB TO DO! I’m so frustrated with this cycle, especially since it’s our last cycle for 6 months! grrrrr.

  2. Ahhhhhh. I’m so sorry. And I totally feel your pain on most of what you wrote. We had a “I just can’t” night two weeks ago, which is part of the reason I wasn’t super hopeful about this cycle. Also, the adoption stuff… yeah. I have a friend (luckily atleast she is not married and does not have kids) who keeps asking me why we don’t consider adoption… I finally went off on her yesterday and told her it’s not that we’re not open to it or not considering it, but it’s more expensive even than IVF and, well, I just really want to experience being pregnant and try everything we can to make that happen first. Oh and that thing you said about friends who got pregnant for FREE… yeah, I’ve been thinking about that and being really bitter about that a LOT lately. AHHHHH. Hugs to you my friend, somehow we will get through this… I hope.

    • I hear you on the “experiencing” being pregnant, I want to experience that more than anything! OMG, Isn’t it impressive how everyone who ISN’T going through the TTC journey, gives you the most ridiculous advice?! As If we haven’t thought of that. We’ve researched everything under the sun, but “you’re right, I haven’t thought about the adoption option, and maybe if I did ‘relax and stop thinking about it’ I’ll get pregnant”…. It’s easier for me not to tell anyone we are TTC , because I’d probably bitch-slap 7/8 of my husbands family right in the face with their overly opinionated advice. I hate being bitter….it’s really an exhausting emotion isn’t it?!
      Thanks for your support, and I’m glad I’m not the only one that has experience “I can’t” before!

      • Haha, you’re right, being bitter really is exhausting… and yet, I just can’t seem to stop. I totally hear you on it being easier to not tell anyone about TTC. I feel the same way. Not too many people in our life know what’s going on with us. After two years I just finally told my parents over Christmas. The unwanted advice and being told how you should feel is absolutely awful!

  3. There are so many things here that hit a little too close to home. We have been trying since 2009 to get pregnant, and I my husband, too, has the same reaction to “go time.” We almost had to go to therapy over it (and we still might).

    Five months. My heart breaks for you. My DH has to go away next week around “go time” and I’m just hoping that it doesn’t interfere with my positive OPK.

    My DH is a little oppositional and hates being told what to do (I swear, he looks JUST like Grumpy Cat when he gets cranky). He hates scheduling anything, let alone sex. He says that having a baby is more important to me than our relationship, but I don’t think he understands that I just don’t want a baby – I want a family with him.

    He is (or at least he was) against adoption for a multitude of reasons, but I am primarily scared of them. A friend adopted before she did IUI’s, and after seeing her get her heart ripped out by losing an infant and finally adopting a two-year old with emotional disabilities (and perhaps learning disabilities) because she was born to a mother who tested positive for illegal drugs, I’m wary. I’ve also seen too many of my students who are pregnant who refuse to stop “partying” because, as it was told to me, “low birth weight just means an easier delivery.”

    I ended up purchasing Batman underwear from Amazon and surprised him with it last night, but that was just a happy surprise event. So far, that’s the only thing that he’s really appreciated. He also enjoys sex more if I enjoy it – I think that in the past, I have treated it like a chore, so I’m really trying to figure out ways to make it fun again.

    • Ah, why do the DH have to leave?! I hope your +OPK is before he leaves! 5 months is a wicked long time. It could be longer, but because its a short time, he may have to work it straigth through,.,,, so I’ll get to see him maybe once a month, twice if we are lucky.
      SERIOUSLY, I swear men HOUND us to have sex all the time, but the ONE time we have to hound them to sleep with us, they do get pissy. My husband has said all to often “You don’t want to have sex, you just want something I have… sperm!” and I would say “well…yes. And since I can’t just take it, I need your help”.
      That terrifies me about your adoption stories! God, here I am not drinking during a TWW in CASE, while I have seen others drink and smoke during their full pregnancy. Why do shitty people get pregnant, and us that should be having family’s, have to go through the hell while destroying the good thing that we have, like our husbands!
      If I heard someone say they are going to continue to party to make sure they have a low birth rate…I would take an EXTRA dose of clomid (to ensure extra crazy and boldness) and gouge out their eyes!

  4. so sorry, know just what you mean about the mechanical sex – its one of the worst things about this whole process. It feels like we’re loosing ‘us’ and any fun we used to have. My sex drive has gone right down because we ‘have’ to have sex. The bitterness is so tough to take – how can some have it sooooo easy?!

  5. We’ve been trying for 4 years, and my husband is getting to the same place of exasperation. He works 60+ hours a week and when I thought I had gotten a + opk (I just found out I did not in fact ovulate) he was exhausted after the first round. So the next day after bding he said something along the lines of “it’s just because we have to.” I know he wants to have a baby as much as I do, but I know I’m putting a lot of on-demand pressure on him and on myself. I hope that you receive your BFP soon. I think I’m going to relax this month, still take the clomid, but no OPKs and no BBT. If it happens it happens, if not we move on 🙂 GOOD LUCK!

    • It certainly is not easy! I wish men would understand that “demanding sex” 3 times a months, is NOTHING compared to taking clomid for a week and dealing with the hot flashes and mood swings. Our Dr. wants us to take the HSG if we don’t get pregnant this month, so I was getting even MORE frustrated, because I’m going to have to go through this painful procedure, because he just “couldn’t” when the time was right…BAH! I wish men truly understood more and/or had to go through what WE have to…and see if they complain then! Good luck to you too as well!!!

      • I’ll be doing hsg test next month as well. I think I’m asking my Dr for femara instead of clomid for next month. Hopefully the coming of spring does for our hubbies as it does for the animals =) baby dust

      • This is our last month to try until September 😦 The hubs has to go out of town for 5 months only gets to come back home MAYBE one weekend a month! Grrr the timing!!!

  6. Around the 2nd year, we both came to a point where sex became a clinical,totally unfun thing to do.No foreplay,no love, just “get in and get done”. The worst part is having my husband going away for work.He is away for 3 months, home for one so our window was TINY! I know exactly how your feeling and the frustration and anger and the only thing I can say is you both will need to come to a point where you let the thoughts of TTC go and just reconnect on a level where you enjoy each other again. Maybe the time he will be spending away will be a good break for the both of you,maybe it will make the frustration worse but hang in there…Sending you lots of good wishes and luck!!!

    • I am hoping this 5 month break will be mentally beneficial for both of us, so we can hit the ground running when he comes back! Thanks for the much-needed support, I’m happy to see another blogger who feels the frustration of a traveling husband =) (Not that I wish anyone to have to deal with it while TTC) !!!

  7. I am sooo glad I saw your post tonight because suddenly I’m not feeling so alone. Not that I want you to be going through this! It all started going wrong when I started timing sex and made him aware that I was peeing on things. He said to me ‘Can’t you just test and not tell me? Just pounce me?’ And I thought ‘I’m already doing so much, seriously??’

    I tried sexy moves too when it happened a couple of times. Sexy moves and underwear didn’t work. I was so upset by it all.

    He feels under pressure and in many ways helpless. I’m not angry at him. There are times when I don’t want to really have sex. We’re on a break because we need to get back to making sex about intimacy and love. Not about sperm meets egg.

    Damn the eggs and sperms.. why can’t they just meet each other??

    • 😦 I know…. I am hoping this 5 month sabbatical we are going to have to go on, will help reconnect us, and we will be rabbits when he gets back because it’ll have been 5 months! You are right, as if we don’t have to do enough already 😦

  8. Wow.. u poor things. u and ur hubby. its soooo hard. this is y i always say finding out we needed ivf and COULDN’T. get pregnant naturally, helped our sexual relationship. (Yet, with ivf we haven’t been able to dtd for 8 weeks now.) Those times do happen …. ik. i would get where i wouldn’t tell dh i was ovulating. id come onto him but he would think ovulation was still a couple days off. probably wrong of me… but i didn’t want him to get pressured. i sincerely hope this break is just a very relaxed time for u guys and when u do get to see eachother u can rekindle your relationship. best wishes.

    • I tried not telling him, and it didn’t work out…so now he tells me to tell him when “its necessary” so he can prepare and be ready….and it didn’t work. Grr! Maybe the time apart is just what we need, although right now I just want to bitch and scream about it!

      • Yeah i had several times he got wise to me. i mean what am i gonna say when he asks my temp? I couldn’t flat out lie. i would b yelling my head off if dh had to leave while we were ttc. i just found out today he might leave for a week during the summer. it stresses me to b alone. u r strong to b able to handle it!!

      • Ugh, right now we having been fighting so bad, i am welcoming the distance for a little bit! I don’t think he gets it, and its killing me! I’m on DPO 6 today, and I know for a 100% fact, that I am not pregnant. It’s not turning into the blame game. He left for work, and instead for the normal kiss and “I love you” it was a slamming of a door and screaming “Ya, WHATEVER!” grrrrrr.

  9. I know exactly that feeling. Too much pressure when it’s the prefect time. I wish there was a right answer to fix it. If you figure it out, let me know.

    • Thanks for reading! I don’t know what the answer is =( Maybe a break will be the key….but it’s still pretty disheartening 😦 If I do figure it out, you’ll be the first to know, lol! Good luck to you as well, you have a fantastic blog I’m looking forward to reading!

      • Thanks so much! I’m so glad fertility doll reblogged you so I could read your post today. It’s so good to know you’re not alone in the ‘i just can’t’ category sometimes. But yeah, I hope the break gives you some breathing room and chance to get back to basics.

  10. This is such a beautifully honest post. Before we moved onto more invasive treatments we came to this place on more than one occasion, often it was me who just could not face the intimacy. I felt like we were slowly destroying something that had once been so magical. All I can tell you is that for us, it came back, or at least it comes and goes, but the magic is still there buried underneath.

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