This month I will not be partaking in the two week wait….no, that ended the day I ovulated. Why do I get to skip out on the agonizing, stressful, hopeful and full of symptom-spotting that is the two week wait? Because we didn’t have sex.
Now, if you have been struggling with trying to conceive, you know how controlled your month is. You take your drugs on CD 2. You start using your OPK’s on CD 7. You continue peeing on sticks until you get your two dark lines. You have sex. Then you wait…..while doing everything under the sun so that when the TWW ends with your aunty showing up, you don’t have any “what if’s”…”What If I ate the whole pineapple instead of just the core” “what if I didn’t temp right…there was that one night I got up to pee at 2 a.m” “What If my LH surge happened on my lunch”. Now, missing the step “Have sex” it inconceivable for anyone who is trying to conceive, especially if the cycle is a 100mg of Clomid cycle.
We were at that stage of the positive tests, and it’s time to baby dance our little hearts out. The day before we had a positive OPK at lunch, and then it faded at dinner time when I retook. We had sex then, since I DID get a positive at lunch….. The next day, MORNING, LUNCH AND DINNER were the darkest positive OPKS I had ever seen. We hopped into bed, we got naked, we giggled a little bit, we tried, and a little while later, my husband exhaustively declared “I can’t“.
I don’t mean to demoralize my husband on a public form, that’s not the intent at all. It’s not his fault. But as a women who is on her third year of trying to conceive, on her first month taking the 100 mg of Clomid, and knowing her husband will be gone for the next 5 months…to hear “I just can’t” was the most paralyzing thing I think I have heard in a very long time, even more so than the “I have to move two states away, and will be gone for the next 5 months”.
What do you mean ‘you can’t?!’….. It was just too much for him. The three years of scheduled baby dancing, the completely unromantic-strictly procreating kind of sex, and the news that he would be relocating just caught up with him….of all the days, it caught up with him the day I got my positive OPKS.Okay life, you win….I’m tapping out and raising the white flag.
My husband and I laid there for an hour after trying for several, and talked about sex. He asked me “What happened to us? I miss the days when sex was sex….it wasn’t demanded of me and we didn’t have to do it under such pressure”…..I cried, because I know. I didn’t want it to come to this. It was never my intention. My intention was to drink too much wine one night and giggle while stripping all our clothes off and having the best sex of our lives, and then two weeks later realize i had an unexpected late period, which would make me want to test. I imagined I would scream in the bathroom and have my husband come running in. I imagined that I would tell him “OMG! We are going to have a baby!”, I imagined crying, and hugging and having sex right there because we would be so excited. I imagined it would be fun…..Not once, did I ever imagine that my husband would be laying next to me after trying to have sex for a couple of hours and saying “I just can’t…it’s not going to work” and me next to him crying because I know this month we will be out, and he will be gone for the next 5, and then we will have to start all over again when he gets back.
We ended up falling asleep, with the hope and intention that when we woke up, we could do it right away. The next morning came. We got up, I peed on an OPK, it was another dark dark positive! So we got naked and did the dance. We again tried for a couple of hours, of exhausting un-fun sex, and failed. My husband started getting irritated in himself, because he knows how critical this time was….and nothing. Not even an, “I’m close”.
Frustrated, and losing all home, we decided to “take a break” and go out to breakfast. It was our favorite little breakfast place, and Groupon had a coupon for it! We went and sat down….. while I was looking over my menu, and I hear this little voice from behind me say, “Peek A BOO! I see you”. I looked behind me to see this little girl, all of about 3 years old. Her hair in these super cute braids with little colorful clips at the end of each one of them. Her smile, as she stared and me, had the remnants of her french-toast she was still chewing. I smiled at her and said hello. She got out of her booth, ran up to our table, and showed off her neon-green skirt with purple leggings. I smiled, chocked a little bit, and the tears engulfed my face. I pulled out my pony-tail to let the hair fall over my face, and bent to “look” into my purse, while the water just poured out of my eyes, like the gutters of a house during a rain storm.
I couldn’t stop. I thought about that little girl, and how I would never get to experience dressing a 3 year old girl in those brights colors. I would never get to wipe the crumbs off her face and see my reflection in her features. My husband sat across the table and asked if I wanted to leave. Since the little girl was on her way out, I said no. The buss boys came and cleared the table, and the waitress brings a young family to sit next to us, with a 3 month old baby. It took the same amount of time to recognize that it was a baby, for the tears to flood my face. This time, gasps came out. Changing diapers, putting on a cute Sunday dress….tucking her into her car seat and going out to breakfast with my little family, are only a couple things I won’t be experiencing at time soon.
So, we got home from breakfast with out doggie-bags because I couldn’t finish breakfast (It must have been Infant-Saturday there, because we were the only couple there without kids), any way….. I gave my husband some time, and said “want to try again?” and he looked me in the eye, with a kind of sadness like he was going to tell me someone had died, and said “It’s just not going to work. I can’t. I don’t know if its just too much pressure, or that my work is to stressful right now, but I can’t…I’m sorry”.
I tried everything. We tried games (Sexy house wives, anyone?), we tried cuddling, we tried ‘forget about making babys and lets just have fun’. We moved to THREE different rooms, including the couch in the living room, we even tried porn (oh yes….I even went there!)…..and nothing.
What do you do?! I can’t just take it manually….although I thought about it.
When did sex get to be like this? Why is it so much harder to have sex when it’s “time” then any other time. I swear the husband and I are off, because my Aunt comes into town and he can’t keep his hands off me…..but when I’m ovulating, I must be giving off a vibe that is, in the words of John Maher, “Sexual Napalm”.
I looked up adoptions last night, to see if it’s something we should start saving up for. The average cost of an adoption?! $30,000-$40,000….. As I am reading this, I am thinking about how I would work overtime. I’d pay off my student debt, and I would get a cheap car to be able to afford that….while I have friends who had their babies for FREE AND the government GIVES them month each month, because they are single moms.
What am I doing wrong?