I’m gonna kill him!

Well, I want to kill him at least! (But I won’t I promise).

This “marriage” it turning into a mix between a Soap-opera and a Monster Truck rally– full of tearful, over the top, drama and lots and lots of ruthless yelling.

This 5 months apart will hopefully repair us…..or it’s not looking good for our future. He just doesn’t get it. I work full time, I make dinner, I take care of the dogs,  I clean when I get a chance too, AND I have to try and conceive. Yes, I am exhausted with it too, but I still manage to do it all.

When we first started TTC, we tried having sex every other night, and the hubs got burnt out. So we went to OPKS so we wouldn’t have to do every other day for an entire month. Then he started getting burn out doing it every day during my 4 days of Positives. So this month, he PROMISED me that he would be ready. So I took the TEN fucking pills of clomid, I peed on sticks, I check my CM, and here I am, empty as ever!

I have the right to be upset. It doesn’t seem like he cares, and then when I make a comments like “Well, I guess we’ll just have to deal with a life without children, since we can’t even have sex to make them” and he’ll yell from the other room to “Grow up!” and then I just sit in the bedroom stewing and crying, and wondering what the hell I’m doing.

GRRR!!!

I am SO cranky today. We had sex TWICE this month. even for a healthy married couple not trying to have kids, that’s ridiculous. Are women that much stronger when it comes to dealing with multiple stressful things? My boobs don’t hurt, my CM is normal, so I know that the one time during the +OPK we had sex, didn’t even work. What am I going to do? Take 5 months off, and as soon as he comes back home, go back on Clomid, and hope that he doesn’t get sent away the following month, for an 8 month project (highly likely).

I don’t want this to ruin my marriage any more. Yes I want kids, but I really really like my husband.

When do you stop trying? When is your breaking point? After you’ve destroyed your marriage beyond repair? On the brink of destroying it? Or when you start to notice that something just isn’t right? Are priorities having kids? Carrying on a family tree? Or finally having them, and you have so much resentment built with your husband that divorce is the next step, and then you still aren’t happy, because you couldn’t imagine life being better with someone else.

My husband and I are the perfect couple….. so, when is it time to just be happy with that, and secure a long-lifetime full of happiness and adventure together?

I’m 27 years old. There is no reason for this. What the hell do I do?

Till then,
Mrs. M

11 thoughts on “I’m gonna kill him!

  1. Dear Mrs. M, I feel for you. I also feel for your husband as well. It is a lot of pressure on him as well. My own spouse and I went through something similar but not quite as heated. I had to sit back and hear him out. Although I talk about TTC everyday and ask him his thoughts etc and get super annoyed when it seems like he doesn’t care…I know he does. He just shows it in different ways. Guys stress out in different ways than we do and I find that I am more like you…just upfront with how I’m feeling and my fella is just quiet and his stress manifests itself in exhaustion as well. You need to bring the romance back. Even if it means letting him take these five months off. I know how horrible that might sound, but you still have lots of time if you’re only 27.
    Take it from me was divorced at age 29. I treated my husband like a child, demanding things of him and the romance was gone for us. I would hate to see that happen to you. I hope that you can take a breath and see that you need a partner in this situation and that you have to support each other equally. It’s not about who is taking pills etc, its about your common goal – to create a family together.
    I hope things get better for you. Take care.

  2. I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. Infertility can be so hard on a marriage. I know it’s a generalization, but I think that yes– women are often better at juggling many stressful things at once. At least, that’s true of my own marriage and what I see in the relationships of those closest to me. And men also handle things differently. Respectful and effective communication is SO important. Your husband telling you to “grow up” is not helpful. The other factor is the actual sex. We’re expecting our men to perform “to completion” on demand several times a week & I can understand how that gets old. We can BD at the exact right times without having to *ahem* enjoy it, but the men can’t get away with that. So it’s tough. I can see their point of view. As onpinsandneedles said, you’re only 27. I know you don’t want to put it off longer, but your guy (and your marriage) might need some time where the focus is on you two, without the pressure of TTC. Good luck!

  3. Oh my heart breaks for you. 😦 I’ve been there – with TTC and not. A tree fell on our house 2 Julys ago and turned our world upside down. I honestly still wonder how we survived that time in our lives without getting divorced. Probably because we decided long before we got married that if we did get married, divorce was not an option. It was a miserable time in our lives. We’ve had our moments with TTC as well… This might sound dumb and maybe it wouldn’t work for your specific situation, but I got my husband a book for Christmas (What He Can Expect When She’s Not Expecting) and it completely changed our relationship. He understands what I’m personally going through with all of this now and is much more sensitive to my feelings and needs. Don’t give up, don’t stop trying! You obviously love your husband and even though this crap SUCKS, you are young, you’ve got time and you can do this!

    • Thank you! I actually just got that book in the mail last week! He’s working on trying to read it, but he’s a little too preoccupied with work, and I think I’m getting the “back burner”
      😦

      • Ugh, well I’m sorry to hear that, it’s really hard to balance all of this stuff. The good news is that it’s a quick and easy read! My husband read it in one night – after we had a HUGE fight and I locked myself in our bedroom (how mature I know). Hopefully he’ll see the value in it and make time to read it soon!!

  4. I’m in your shoes – minus the 5 months. But I’ve come to realise and understand his grief and the pressure on him.

    Plus he’s quite ill at the moment and that just put everything into perspective. I realised that baby or not what we have is precious. We have to find a way to get through it. If that means easing off the pressure by not obsessing over it, then that’s what we have to try to do. It is hard. It’s hard on both sides. Men tend to feel helpless when they can’t perform and that in itself can become a mental block.

    Be patient, slow down and love each other x

  5. The man and I have had these moments before. In fact on Wednesday, I skipped the gym, bought some fried chicken and talked about it. And all we managed to figure out at the end of the convo was that we needed ‘to be nicer to each other.’
    Sometimes being away from each other might remind you why you got married in the first place. I hope that’s the case for you.
    You just have to remember, do you want a child or do you want a family? That’s the question I pose to myself when it gets rough.

  6. I’ve been there. Hell, who am I kidding – I AM there.

    TTC fights are the worst ever because they are just so personal. My husband feels like it is all so impersonal and all I care about anymore is getting pregnant. He hates being told what to do normally, so he has a really hard time with everything being planned out. Me? I feel rejected, unsexy, and stupid every time he “has a headache.” And then I blame him, and then I resent him.

    Healthy? No. But I think it’s natural when you are struggling with long-term infertility.

    Our last big fight was over whether or no we were going to try a few natural cycles or go straight back to IUI’s. I desperately wanted the IUI because that is the only way I got pregnant – besides, it takes the pressure off him – or so I thought. He hates the IUI’s even more than scheduled sex, it seems.

    I think he is going to a counselor by himself – or at least he says that is. He doesn’t want a couples counselor, but we might go to one anyway because we have been through a lot lately.

    I know no matter what, I would rather be childless with him than with another person and WITH a child. I don’t a child – I want a family with him. I don’t think he understands the nuances in that statement.

    • Gosh, we are so alike! That is exactly it. We want a family, but they just think it’s (in my husbands case) to keep up with all my friends who are getting pregnant. One of the many many reasons I deleted my facebook. The communication between a womens biological reasons to get pregnant and the man thinking we need it for social reasons is so irritating. And to top that with infertility, and the guilt and frustration that goes along with the fact we can’t do what we were “built” to do, is embarrassing and heartbreaking,

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