It’s not you, it’s me…

Ladies, I’ll write more tomorrow, but in the mean time I want ALL of my fellow TTC Bloggers to Google “adrenal fatigue and infertility” and read about it!

If you don’t have time to google, then click on just a couple links I found, that could be life changing for many of you….. maybe I am a hypochondriac, but this made the most sense ever, so I self diagnosed myself, and am making changes pronto to my lifestyle…. Did you know Adrenal Fatigue lowers progesterone levels?!….Even if I am wrong, at least changing life habits for the better, can’t hurt right?!

Till then,
Mrs. M

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JUST RELAX?!?! Maybe they have a point….

Relax, it will happen” — Bitch PLEASE is that I want to scream…. You can’t just relax and get pregnant, and if I hear it again, I’m going to stab someone in the neck with my next BFN HPT! 

People have been having babies since the beginning of time, and lot’s of things have happened that made people stress….Great Depression and/or the Civil War any one?

But maybe (I am accepting defeat), maybe there is some truth to it? I am a very stressed out person, and it seems like I welcome anxiety into my life. Not like panic attack, but more like…. exhausted all of the time, because my plate is always three times fuller than what it needs to be (figuratively), and often, I find myself asking for seconds…i.e This week my house flooded, roofers came re-due my roof, I have painters over right now painting, the yard is a disaster and over grown, AND I just signed up  yesterday for volunteer for a “Clean up your River” day. I don’t stop.

It started 13 years ago, right around the time my mom was diagnoses with Leukemia. They had to go to Texas for treatment, and left me (13) my brother (16) and my younger sister in charge of the house, being watched by the neighbors, for a week or two at a time. My dad took me to the bank and set me up with my first linked bank account, and taught me how to do write checks, if I needed to get groceries or anything else for my siblings while they were gone. Women of the house at 13?! I didn’t really have a choice.

When I got into my senior year of high school, and applying for colleges, (I was in Germany at the time) I was applying ALL over the US, and it was a big decisions. How much, which region, what weather conditions, what majors, and my god I couldn’t handle it. I ended up getting lock jaw, because I would clench my teeth so bad at night, that the muscles cramped up and I couldn’t open my mouth for a week! Stress, they said, and that I needed to relax. Last semester in college I ended up getting Costochondritis, which is stress related, and the ligaments in your ribcage being to inflame, and it hurts like a son of a bitch. Relax they said, that’s what I needed to do.

I get to college, University of Tennessee. I don’t know a soul, and I don’t much care for the people. I start to look at where I want to transfer too, and within a week my appendix ruptures. ( I can’t make this up).

I transfer to NMU, and I love it. I made some friends, decided to go into the Nursing program (hardest program there) AND be a resident adviser….because why not? two months into the job, I start having pains in my side, go in for a test, and they tell me I need surgery because my Gallbladder has stopped working….no stones, no laceration or trauma to it…it just stopped working. It’s rare they said, but it happens “It could be stress related, are you under stress?” ….*Well, I am up until 4 am because of my job, I’m in the hardest program at NMU and I’m failing my physiology course, oh, and I don’t know how I am going to make next years tuition*

Next semester comes around (I got a loan) I switch majors, move off campus, meet a boy, get engaged to a boy, boy cheats on my with three skanks, we break up, and I drop out of school and work at Subway full time….. I start developing dermatitis, and I don’t know what it is. I got to multiple doctors, because I started passing out ans siezeruing from it….turns out I developed an allergy, that makes me have an allergic reaction when I get or touch something Cold….rain, lake water, cold sink water, ice cream, you name it, it’s cold, I had an allergic reaction to it…Cold Urticaria …epi-pen and all! What could cause this? The doctors don’t know but they said “stress could make your immune system lower”…of coarse it can.

I graduate college. YAY! 2010- I graduate in May, my husband gets a job offer May 15, we get married June 20th, we move to Chicago June 26th, we live in a hotel for 4 months, we find a place to live in the City, I find a job….we decided to start looking for houses in November 2010….anyone who has ever done that KNOWS how stressful that can be! March we found the perfect house, we closed on it after 2 months of back and forth, and signed the papers June 2nd. We moved all of our things in by July, bought a dog (because that’s what you do, right?) in August, end of August, my husband gets called to relocate to Pennsylvania for 2 years…..*breath* okay! I find renters, I get a U-haul, and I move my husbands things (he had to leave before me, so I could stay behind and find renters and finish up at work) out to PA, I start the new job hunt. Oh, I didn’t escape this stretch of crazy months, without it affecting me…I got Rosacea! And every-time I get overwhelmed, or stressed, or emotional… redder than a tomato I get! nice right?  ( I still have it, and this week everyone keeps asking me if i got sunburned!)

Three months after moving to PA, I find a job, at a hospital, and work all THREE shifts every week. Mid-nights on the weekends, mornings and afternoons during the week. It was awful. I have always been regular (36 days every month!) and since I started working and living in PA, I started missing cycles, I started being so irregular 54 days, then 32 days, then 75 days….and we did that for a year.

15 months after we got to PA we left PA! came back to Chicago, wanted to really start trying, we started our first round of Clomid in February (M/c) and the second in March…at the SAME time, he found out he had to relocate to Ohio.

Did I mention between PA and Chicago we adopted another dog, one who was from an abused home, and has issues and needs “special attention”???

Husband leaves to Ohio, my insurance company sends me a letter telling me I have to get my roof fixed or they will cancel…. I call roofing contractors, started my new job, wanted to get painters to paint to match the color of the new roof, and try and commute to Ohio on the weekends…..Flood? oh that was just a minor convenience.

So about this “just relax” ….do they mean, “don’t think about getting pregnant and you will”, or more like “Get your shit together, even your body doesn’t want to bring in a child during this shit-storm of a life you are going through

I’ve read up on it…..maybe the 15 years of “relax and don’t stress so much” from doctors actually meant something, and I don’t think its the “don’t take your temperature and you’ll get pregnant” but definitely something more like you are going to cause Adrenal Fatigue if you don’t chill the fuck out.

My lab work showed everything was fine, except I had lower levels of Progesterone. I was at an 8 when I was on my first round of clomid, and they said they’d like it to be upper teens, lower 20’s…. so I found an interesting article :

“Stress, as it does in so many areas of our lives, interferes with the reproductive process and is a major cause for infertility and miscarriages.
The reason is simple: lack of progesterone. The word progesterone means “for gestation,”
which means that women, you need this hormone in its right balance if you want be become pregnant and stay pregnant. Progesterone nourishes the uterine lining in preparation of the implanted fertilized egg. It is progesterone that continually feeds and nourishes the uterus during pregnancy. Unfortunately, constant stress causes a decrease in your progesterone levels.

When you are constantly in that “fight or flight” mode because of stress, your adrenal glands will produce additional cortisol and adrenaline. This is a normal bio-chemical process. The problem is that in order to make cortisol, your adrenal glands need progesterone. This causes your progesterone to be used in making your stress hormones, as opposed to what it is designed to do —support your pregnancy. ” — The Stress-Infertility Connection

For anyone interested more about Adrenal Fatigue/ Burnout, check this website out * Here*

Anyway, I know it’s certainly not the case for most people struggling with infertility, and people need to stop telling us that….but I wonder, in my case, having “unexplained infertility”, if maybe “relaxing” wouldn’t be beneficial….clearly stress has affected my body too much already! Acupuncture really helped, but I don’t even know where I could fit that into with my single-wife schedule….

Till Then,

Mrs. M

MockingJay

This break is not as easy as I was hoping. I’ve started breaking the habit of taking my temp, and reaching for the OPK every morning. I still can’t help but to exam my CM….I think more or less just for reassurance that I am till “working”

I shouldn’t have. I started to notice EWCM, and it happens to be the ONE weekend the hubs and I are away from each other, and to make things even more frustrating, is that it IS on day 14! I usually get my EWCM on CD 21…. and now that I am off Clomid and without a husband, it seems like I am up and running ‘normally’ again! Ha. The irony eh? Maybe if I can just keep it up on trying to forget about it all, it will continue this way. I don’t know.

This is my first full cycle with the hubs being gone. I have so much going on too…my house flooded yesterday due to this awesome Chicago rain. I got the new roof on my house today! Very stressful, but it looks greats! My painter is starting tomorrow, and this time next week, I will have a beautiful finished house….then I will just be able to “play” around on pinterest and get fun things to do on the weekend.

So how about this Mockingjay? I feel like  a smoker who is quitting smoking…all they see are cigarettes…or a dieter, the first week on the diet when all they can think about is sugar and hamburgers…..oh life…..so This is my week:

My new team I am on at work was relocated all into the same area. I was assigned to sit next one of the other girls assigned to the team….who is really really cool, and 20 weeks pregnant. “Gosh, this pregnancy is totally unexpected, we weren’t anticipating this, I have a medical condition that I thought was going to prevent us from having kids, and we didn’t want them for another three years…but SURPRISE!” …. It’s and exciting time for her, I know. I am happy for her, and jealous of coarse….I guess at 20 weeks, she’s starting to really “feel” being pregnant…and complains ALL day long.

Finally i broke down and told her that she should be happy that she is pregnant, because I would love to feel those “pains” …. I told her that my hubs and I have been trying for damn near three years, and haven’t had any luck…..*sigh* and she tells me “you just need to relax, it will happen”

How many of you just cringed reading that? Anyway, THEN on my way to work, the topic of the morning radio station was “crazy things your body did while you were pregnant”….Seriously?! That’s the topic for the day?! gahhhhh, so I changed the channel, and it was about Kate Middleton’s bump….

So I get to work and I open my e-mail….. I’m not even shitting you, one of the two e-mails I had read “Top Scottish baby names”…because why wouldn’t that be in my e-mail?!. So I tell the pg girl, my desk mate, about life mocking me and she said “maybe if you weren’t so negative about other people being pregnant, you’d get pregnant”…..I’m not even going to comment, I’ll let you ladies have fun with that!

Having a father from Scotland, I tell my husband that I want to have more “heritage” oriented names…. So I am always on the lookout for one! I have a polish name for a girl, but I browsed the “baby names” e-mail, and fell in love with the Scottish name….Isla (ee-slah)

Now…If I could only get pregnant! ha, I know I know, I’m on a break, and it’s much needed! I call my husband and we talk like we are dating again! We giggle and we laugh, and we talk, and it.is.wonderful. So there is a lot going well….I think the lesson I am learning from this, is how to deal with jealously and frustration with other peoples pregnancies, while I stay currently empty…..

I’m not a Christian, and I don’t believe in “A God”, but I have to wonder….why my only friend in the Chicago area happens to be pregnant, my SIL being pregnant and wanting me to come to her Baby shower, while I’m alone in my house, with an empty uterus, and my husband living 5 hours away, and everywhere I turn its baby things!…. oooooh the irony of my life! 

I just need to learn that this IS my life, and I need to enjoy it, no matter what it holds for me, because it could end sooner that I plan, and I don’t want to ‘miss out’  on the best years of my life which are right now!

Till then,

Mrs. M

Old Habbits

Life on the Rocks

I really need to write more.

I miss my old blog. The incredibly wonderful ladies that I built such a bond with. I know it sounds crazy.. to build a closeness with people who you don’t even know their first names….but if you knew what we were going through, and they did, it’s a bond that helps even the darkest of days. I miss logging in and reading their inspiring and exciting positive news, and i miss being there for the days when they were crushed. I know on my days way I just wanted to curl up and cease to breath under my down comforter, they were there to help.

But I’m on a break. A munch needed break from am emotionally exhausting roller-coaster. A roller-coaster that use to be fun, but after riding it (HA! no pun intended) for so long, the joy and excitement vanished.

But…

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Sabbatical

The husband is officially gone. We moved him into his new place this weekend, and I am back in Chicago all by my lonesome self 😦

I am really trying to say positive about this break though. It’s only for 5 months, and I am hoping to visit when I get the chance. in the mean time though, I am really going to work on making some hardcore changes.

I am going to:
1. Relax. I’m going to try and see the world not so much in a “omg, I’m the only one not pregnant” light, but rather, “It’s going to be okay one way or another.” easier said then done, I know but I have 5 months to work on it.

2. I am going to eat better. This garbage I have been putting into this body is uncalled for, and I’m done with it. I don’t have a husband to tempt me to go out and eat beer and chicken wings, so I am going to really see if I can get in a good habit…what better time when you have no one to go out to eat with?

3. I am going to lose weight. I hopped on the scale today and the scale LITERALLY screamed at me to get off because I was hurting it. I couldn’t believe how heavy I have gotten….no wonder my sex and intimacy drive has plummeted! I have a goal to loose 25 lbs in 5 months…. that is do-able right?

I plan on tracking these goals in a different blog. I know lots of my fellow bloggers who I follow have been taking time away for breathing room, and I feel like I might need the same…. I need a complete 5 month disconnect from TTC….and again, with the hubs living in a different state, what better time to reset?!

I have created a new blog, if any of you would still like to follow me, while I take a 5 month sabbatical from TTC, and would love it!

The new blog is The Toothbrush Diaries.…( you know, because when traveling back and forth to see the hubs, I always bring my toothbrush…. cute or dumb?) I would love to still hear from you, because (fuck, now I’m tearing up) you all have been so helpful this last year. Whether you comment “It’ll be alright” or a “Be upset, you have the right to be” or an “I understand” or even “Wow…you are being selfish, get over it!”…. it all has made me feel SO much less alone, and although none of us know each other outside our blog names and thumbnail pictures, you have made such a positive impact of this TTC journey, and I can’t thank you enough.

I know many of you are still TTC and will be baby dancing while I’m trying to figure out what the next step is for me, but I wish you all the very very very best of luck, and from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for being there for me when no one else understood.

Till then (about 5 months..unless I ovulate one of the weekends I am visiting the hubs…DAMN IT, no!…what part of break do I not get?! ahahha),
Mrs. M

The Apple and Eve

I am starting to feel a lot more empathy for Eve for choosing to eat the apple. Thousands of years later, she is still being cursed for causing us all to be ‘sinners’ along with being blamed for painful childbirth… “WHY Eve?! WHY couldn’t you just eat something else? Why the apple?” …..It’s because us women don’t have any God-damn self control. ( I know I know I know, it was because the serpent told her to do it)

I was like Eve in the bathroom this morning, but instead of an apple, i was admiring a pregnancy test. “Don’t do it….don’t pee on the stick of knowledge…it will only bring bad things!!!” I told myself. May I remind myself, that we DIDN’T have sex during the right times? We did manage to do it on the first day of the darkest positive, and then a couple days days…. so there was a glimmer of hope I refused to think about. That glimmer started getting a little more prominent as the days went by and my boobs hurt more and more…and I Mean HURT, i actually iced them last night!

If I couldn’t get pregnant having sex every day for 4 days straight,….what makes me think the one day of Positive OPKS will do the trick?

The husband was in the shower….the HPT was sitting on the counter, and I started to reason. Instead of “the apple looked so beautiful” It was “…I’m pretty sure these tests expire, and if we are going to be away from each other for 5 months…might as well use them up!” So I tore open the package and peed. And just as Eve was hurled out of the Garden of Eden, my mood spiraled straight down. Negative.

“Well not shit, what did you think it was going to be? and immaculate conception?” I told myself.

Poor Eve…. she just wanted an Apple like I wanted a BFP…. can we really blame each other?

Till Then,
Mrs. M