MockingJay

This break is not as easy as I was hoping. I’ve started breaking the habit of taking my temp, and reaching for the OPK every morning. I still can’t help but to exam my CM….I think more or less just for reassurance that I am till “working”

I shouldn’t have. I started to notice EWCM, and it happens to be the ONE weekend the hubs and I are away from each other, and to make things even more frustrating, is that it IS on day 14! I usually get my EWCM on CD 21…. and now that I am off Clomid and without a husband, it seems like I am up and running ‘normally’ again! Ha. The irony eh? Maybe if I can just keep it up on trying to forget about it all, it will continue this way. I don’t know.

This is my first full cycle with the hubs being gone. I have so much going on too…my house flooded yesterday due to this awesome Chicago rain. I got the new roof on my house today! Very stressful, but it looks greats! My painter is starting tomorrow, and this time next week, I will have a beautiful finished house….then I will just be able to “play” around on pinterest and get fun things to do on the weekend.

So how about this Mockingjay? I feel like  a smoker who is quitting smoking…all they see are cigarettes…or a dieter, the first week on the diet when all they can think about is sugar and hamburgers…..oh life…..so This is my week:

My new team I am on at work was relocated all into the same area. I was assigned to sit next one of the other girls assigned to the team….who is really really cool, and 20 weeks pregnant. “Gosh, this pregnancy is totally unexpected, we weren’t anticipating this, I have a medical condition that I thought was going to prevent us from having kids, and we didn’t want them for another three years…but SURPRISE!” …. It’s and exciting time for her, I know. I am happy for her, and jealous of coarse….I guess at 20 weeks, she’s starting to really “feel” being pregnant…and complains ALL day long.

Finally i broke down and told her that she should be happy that she is pregnant, because I would love to feel those “pains” …. I told her that my hubs and I have been trying for damn near three years, and haven’t had any luck…..*sigh* and she tells me “you just need to relax, it will happen”

How many of you just cringed reading that? Anyway, THEN on my way to work, the topic of the morning radio station was “crazy things your body did while you were pregnant”….Seriously?! That’s the topic for the day?! gahhhhh, so I changed the channel, and it was about Kate Middleton’s bump….

So I get to work and I open my e-mail….. I’m not even shitting you, one of the two e-mails I had read “Top Scottish baby names”…because why wouldn’t that be in my e-mail?!. So I tell the pg girl, my desk mate, about life mocking me and she said “maybe if you weren’t so negative about other people being pregnant, you’d get pregnant”…..I’m not even going to comment, I’ll let you ladies have fun with that!

Having a father from Scotland, I tell my husband that I want to have more “heritage” oriented names…. So I am always on the lookout for one! I have a polish name for a girl, but I browsed the “baby names” e-mail, and fell in love with the Scottish name….Isla (ee-slah)

Now…If I could only get pregnant! ha, I know I know, I’m on a break, and it’s much needed! I call my husband and we talk like we are dating again! We giggle and we laugh, and we talk, and it.is.wonderful. So there is a lot going well….I think the lesson I am learning from this, is how to deal with jealously and frustration with other peoples pregnancies, while I stay currently empty…..

I’m not a Christian, and I don’t believe in “A God”, but I have to wonder….why my only friend in the Chicago area happens to be pregnant, my SIL being pregnant and wanting me to come to her Baby shower, while I’m alone in my house, with an empty uterus, and my husband living 5 hours away, and everywhere I turn its baby things!…. oooooh the irony of my life! 

I just need to learn that this IS my life, and I need to enjoy it, no matter what it holds for me, because it could end sooner that I plan, and I don’t want to ‘miss out’  on the best years of my life which are right now!

Till then,

Mrs. M

8 thoughts on “MockingJay

  1. Oh my. i almost punched ur co worker twice!! For one thing… I’ve heard the “relax” line more times than I’ve time to count. i did relax.. for a yr and a half almost. didn’t work. srry world!! and i was mad at every pregnant woman. (Still get super duper mad at women who “weren’t ever trying”)!! Shut up or taste my fist is what i want to say to them.

    • haha, I hear you! and then to HEAR that from a pregnant girl who wasn’t trying,…it felt like I got punched right in the gut, with feelings of hurt, anger and speechlessness!

      • It’s an epidemic. Stupidity is genetic… I work with someone who keeps saying how “She knows she’s really, like, fertile”…. Bitch, unless you have 8 children nobody knows about- you ain’t shit yet.

  2. I hear you, I had a coworker the same, constantly moaning about her 1 year old and how hard her current pregnancy is. How I didn’t smack her in the face a few times, I do not know! Thank god she’s on maternity leave now! It’s hard not to feel jealous or bitter at others, one of our friends is pregnant (happened first time they tried), she has quit her job already (she’s not even 4 months), they bought a Bugaboo pram for £1000 and she is having the baby privately which will cost about £10000! (How nice to have a rich daddy wrapped around your finger) And here’s us, trying for 2 years and worrying how we are going to afford IVF at about £7000 a cycle! And she wonders why I’m avoiding her calls?! Lol! It’s very hard to ‘switch’ off from it all but that’s positive that you’re ovulating on day 14! And even better that you and your hubby are flirting again (mine works away a lot too so we sometimes miss that fertile window which is so annoying!) Don’t give up and keep being positive! X

    • Thank you! I know, having to spend money to try and have kids, and see others who do it for free, or even worse, who the ones who the government PAYS to help support them because not only were they procreationally irresponsible, they were financially too!
      The break is nice….we are only on three weeks, but I’ve already gotten out of the mind set that we are “infertile” and that when he comes home, we are going to do it like rabbits! I know after the first month I’ll be screaming and crying and remembering that I am infertile, and I can’t do it by myself. =(

  3. I’ve heard the “just relax” one enough to not be surprised by it, but having someone tell you (a pregnant someone, no less) that you might get pregnant if you could be more positive about other people’s pregnancies…. WOW! That’s a lot of nerve, right there.
    I’m glad this break seems to be a positive thing for your relationship with your husband.

  4. My DH is from Scotland, but I just don’t think we could go for full-on Scottish names. We did decide to do a Scottish themed nursery. Now I’m just stuck with an empty room full of plush sheep and fairy tale books in Doric.

    Relax? I wish it were that simple. I find I have to bite my tongue to keep from being the BFP Grinch. I think the worst thing I ever thought in my head was “Don’t get too attached until you get that 20 week ultrasound.”

    Do you have a diagnosis on the infertility? Is it PCOS?

    • I don’t have a diagnosis…. all my blood work checked out fine, and I get dark OPKS every month around day 21. I went to get my progesterone checked at it was 8, so they feel that that might be the reason I cant get/stay pregnant. I’ve read that stress can cause cortisol, and stress over a long amount of time, will allow the cortisol to build up and lower progesterone levels (I hate the “relax” but I’m wondering if I need to get a grip on life and relax, and try and get this body functioning again).
      I have had a lot of illnesses due to stress/anxiety that I have, because I worry to damn much about everything, and I’m just a nervous person, If I am bored I create things for me to do that aren’t easy i.e. paint the house, get a new roof on my house, adopt another dog, commute to Cincinnati on the weekends, and then I just work myself up…..what color should I paint the house, should l hire someone or should I do it myself and save the money…what about the color of the shingles, do I pick those first or the house paint first, when I go to Cinci, do I rent a car or put the miles on my car, where will I park the car, and who will take me to the rental place….ect ect. It’s like this ALL the time.
      Another for instance, I woke up early, so I figured I’d run out and get paint and paint our bathroom. Now I am on Pinterest trying to find what artwork would look best in the color I spontaneously painted, that will also fit into my budget, after having the house and roof redone…

      exhausting right? The excess cortisol could very well be a reason my cycle is so long….so this break is, not so much to “relax” but to get my shit together and learn how to deal with every day life, and not EVERYTHING has an urgent prioritization. ….you know?

      *long reply, my bad!*

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