The hubby came home for the holiday weekend! It was so nice to have him back home to cook for him and cuddle on the couch drinking overly strong cocktails and watching silly shows like Arrested Development. We went fishing and came home and did yard work, and it was so relaxing…. and then I had to go an ruin it, sorta.
I don’t know WHAT possessed me to go into the linen closet to pull out an OPK (a 20 pack) but I did. I didn’t have any reason, other than last week I had a nightmare, and I think I only get those when I ovulate….which I want to say was last Wednesday I even had the EWCM. This weekend? I had no symptoms, no reason to check, but I did. Friday I tore into the package like a starved raccoon, and peed. Negative. (because why would it? I had EWCM 3 days prior, and now nothing)
Saturday morning, I woke up…I had 20 opks to use within the month, so why not? I tore open another one….bright positive. *hmmm… well that’s gotta be a fluke*. Couple hours later, around lunch time, I did it again, another bright positive. Coincidence? The one weekend my husband comes home is a long weekend and I happen to be ovulating? I thought to myself *self…don’t do this, you are on a break…don’t go back to what once was, for it is not now, and you are doing better*…. but no. I called in the hubs, and we did the deed. It had been a week since we last did anything, and I heard his swimmers aren’t in the best of shape if they are in there for more than 3 days…. so we would try again tomorrow.
Damn it! this is suppose to be a break. I don’t want to think about sex, and laying there hips elevated for a half hour. I don’t want to think about not drinking and trying to listen to every false twinge my body gives me, just to be utterly upset at the end of two weeks, and feel even more broken by myself sitting alone on the floor of the bathroom holding up what would be another BFN, and wondering what I did wrong this month.
He wasn’t able to BD the second day and I got upset. I guess I have it it in my head that men are sex machines. My poor hubby can’t go every day, and I think when I tell him he HAS to have sex, it psychs him out. So I told him forget it, because we are on a break, and we are not going to fall back into the lifestyle of planned sex, but the following morning he was up and ready (pun intended, lol). So we baby danced the first afternoon of a positive OPK, skipped the second day, and did it the morning of the 3rd day. All three days were bright bright bright positives….. but no EWCM. So I’m trying to tell myself that we still aren’t trying, and it will just be a pleasant (and freakishly ironic) surprise if in two weeks I don’t see a middle finger on the HPT. But I’m not even going to think about it (just hope) because two months taking a break has not been long enough to reverse the self-induced neuroticness the last two years have done, so I am going to sit back and carry on, as if it was just another normal weekend of sex, and I didn’t take the OPKS.
I started running again. It’s been 20 months since I last ran. I use to be a runner, it was the only time when I could truly escape for the world and just breath. It’s the only time I can zone out and relax. I can’t even begin to describe it, but last week, I started getting up in the mornings to run 2 miles, and I felt like the world was perfect. The sunrise was in my eyes, the air was moving through my lungs, and my head was clear. Why wasn’t I doing this when in the midst of TTC?!
Also, big news, yesterday my best friend in the whole wide world sent me a message that she had “exciting news for me”. Of course I knew what it was! she had been trying for the last 4-5 months. Not using any kind of methodology, they just went of birth control. As soon as she confirmed it with me, I was, 100% without a doubt, SO SO SO excited for her. I cried, because I actually was so excited. I was her Maid of Honor in her wedding, and I know her life story, and she is going to be the best mother ever. My husband asked if I was okay after hearing the news, and I told him that I was so excited, I even want to fly to Texas in a couple of months to throw her a baby shower. Sure I was a little sad, but only because it makes me feel more broken knowing it’s not as easy for us, but I have no ill wishes or jealously or spike towards them. It makes me feel so much better that the jealously and hatefulness is gone, and hearing an announcement from someone I love and care about it nothing but happiness and excitement!
I’m doing okay. I get a little bit sad that my husband is out of state for another 4 months and we can’t be a “normal couple” and ttc each month, but maybe it’s the best thing that can happen to us right now.
I don’t know, but I do know that I am on a break, and find myself thrown into the tww….oh irony! Of coarse I am going to be hopefully, but the husband left this morning, and there isn’t a damn thing to make myself any more pregnant than what we did this weekend. I am going to continue running, and I am going to continue living and loving this life I have, and not worry about what could be, or what could have been.
Hopeful and positive thoughts would be welcomed though 🙂 haha.