BFF’s and TWW’s

The hubby came home for the holiday weekend! It was so nice to have him back home to cook for him and cuddle on the couch drinking overly strong cocktails and watching silly shows like Arrested Development. We went fishing and came home and did yard work, and it was so relaxing…. and then I had to go an ruin it, sorta.

I don’t know WHAT possessed me to go into the linen closet to pull out an OPK (a  20 pack) but I did. I didn’t have any reason, other than last week I had a nightmare, and I think I only get those when I ovulate….which I want to say was last Wednesday  I even had the EWCM. This weekend? I had no symptoms, no reason to check, but I did. Friday I tore into the package like a starved raccoon, and peed. Negative. (because why would it? I had EWCM 3 days prior, and now nothing)

Saturday morning, I woke up…I had 20 opks to use within the month, so why not? I tore open another one….bright positive. *hmmm… well that’s gotta be a fluke*. Couple hours later, around lunch time, I did it again, another bright positive. Coincidence?  The one weekend my husband comes home is a long weekend and I happen to be ovulating? I thought to myself  *self…don’t do this, you are on a break…don’t go back to what once was, for it is not now, and you are doing better*…. but no. I called in the hubs, and we did the deed. It had been a week since we last did anything, and I heard his swimmers aren’t in the best of shape if they are in there for more than 3 days….  so we would try again tomorrow.

Damn it! this is suppose to be a break. I don’t want to think about sex, and laying there hips elevated for a half hour. I don’t want to think about not drinking and  trying to listen to every false twinge my body gives me, just to be utterly upset at the end of two weeks, and feel even more broken by myself sitting alone on the floor of the bathroom holding up what would be another BFN, and wondering what I did wrong this month.

He wasn’t able to BD the second day and I got upset. I guess I have it it in my head that men are sex machines. My poor hubby can’t go every day, and I think when I tell him he HAS to have sex, it psychs him out. So I told him forget it, because we are on a break, and we are not going to fall back into the lifestyle of planned sex, but the following morning he was up and ready (pun intended, lol). So we baby danced the first afternoon of a positive OPK, skipped the second day, and did it the morning of the 3rd day. All three days were bright bright bright positives….. but no EWCM. So I’m trying to tell myself that we still aren’t trying, and it will just be a pleasant (and freakishly ironic) surprise if in two weeks I don’t see a middle finger on the HPT. But I’m not even going to think about it (just hope) because two months taking a break has not been long enough to reverse the self-induced neuroticness the last two years have done, so I am going to sit back and carry on, as if  it was just another normal weekend of sex, and I didn’t take the OPKS.

I started running again. It’s been 20 months since I last ran. I use to be a runner, it was the only time when I could truly escape for the world and just breath. It’s the only time I can zone out and relax. I can’t even begin to describe it, but last week, I started getting up in the mornings to run 2 miles, and I felt like the world was perfect. The sunrise was in my eyes, the air was moving through my lungs, and my head was clear. Why wasn’t I doing this when in the midst of TTC?!

Also, big news, yesterday my best friend in the whole wide world sent me a message that she had “exciting news for me”. Of course I knew what it was! she had been trying for the last 4-5 months. Not using any kind of methodology, they just went of birth control. As soon as she confirmed it with me, I was, 100% without a doubt, SO SO SO excited for her. I cried, because I actually was so excited. I was her Maid of Honor in her wedding, and I know her life story, and she is going to be the best mother ever. My husband asked if I was okay after hearing the news, and I told him that I was so excited, I even want to fly to Texas in a couple of months to throw her a baby shower. Sure I was a little sad, but only because it makes me feel more broken knowing it’s not as easy for us, but I have no ill wishes or jealously or spike towards them.  It makes me feel so much better that the jealously and hatefulness is gone, and hearing an announcement from someone I love and care about it nothing but happiness and excitement!  

I’m doing okay. I get a little bit sad that my husband is out of state for another 4 months and we can’t be a “normal couple” and ttc each month, but maybe it’s the best thing that can happen to us right now.

I don’t know, but I do know that I am on a break, and find myself thrown into the tww….oh irony!  Of coarse I am going to be hopefully, but the husband left this morning, and there isn’t a damn thing to make myself any more pregnant than what we did this weekend. I am going to continue running, and I am going to continue living and loving this life I have, and not worry about what could be, or what could have been.

 

Hopeful and positive thoughts would be welcomed though 🙂 haha.

 

Till Then,

Mrs. M

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Pictures

My best friend posted pictures of her belly on facebook today. 7 months pregnant. Pregnancy is suiting her so well, she was made to be a mom. 8 months ago, if I had woken up to these pictures it would have ruined my day. I would just be crying and having a pitty party. 

Today? I saw the pictures, I smiled and my FIRST thought was “God, I love her kitchen cabinets….what I would do for some hickory in my kitchen…..” (because the picture was taken in her kitchen). 

It’s a good place to be. 

 

 

Till then, 
Mrs. M

Just the two of us

I am so confused right now. I really don’t have anyone else to tell this to who would understand more than my fellow bloggers. I don’t have the creative rhetoric going on, so I apologize if this doesn’t flow as well as it should. 

I went to visit the hubs again this weekend. We had so much fun. We went to a German festival in Kentucky, we drank beer in a beirgarten, listened to live music, got sunburned and talked all day completely happy and in love.  A string band came out and started playing our favorite songs with a New Orleans kind of twist, and we got up and danced, and laughed, and completely forgot that we were in public. For 5 minutes it was just us and it was perfect.

Just us. Every weekend I visit him, “just us” is becoming so much fun. I arrive late on Friday night, we go find some new fun and stylish restaurant to go try, we come home, throw on a movie, make a couple drinks and just do our thing until the wee hours. We wake up around 5:30 am so we can let the dogs out, but then we crawl back into bed and either partake in some early morning shenanigans, or we cuddle and drift back off to sleep until about 9:30 when the coffee pot starts making our coffee. Just the two of us. It’s starting to become more and more fun with each passing week.

I logged back onto my Facebook again. I remember two years ago, when my friends announced they were expecting, all 500 of them it seemed like at the time. Now, when I am logging in, I am getting baby announcements  usually for people who are on their 2nd and 3rd now, and I see either 10,000 pictures of their babies smiling, or they are posts bitching how their baby is sick, and it he/she has allergies, how the mom isn’t getting any sleep and she is tired and exhausted…and me? I’m just sitting on the other side of the screen, drinking my coffee, nursing a hangover and watching the hubs in the kitchen cooking me breakfast for just the two of us….I could get use to this.

But wait….what happened to that Cervical mucus checking, temp reading, daily stick peeing girl months ago, that thought her life was going to be over if she never had kids?

Of coarse I want them…….but I am also loving my life now. I am so torn as to what to do. I don’t want to “wait” to have them, because clearly I have issues with conception, so what makes me think it will be any easier later, with a smaller window? And I don’t just want one, I want two or three, so that’s at least 5 years.

My drive back home today was 6 hours. The whole 6 hours I went back and forth on the issue. It’s so nice to be able to pack up and go on trips. My husband always tells me when I get a little down, “Hey, but think, we get to go on awesome trips like Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic, and they can’t”…true….but are they one the other side of the computer, watching the pictures of my trip with baby vomit on their shoulder saying, “oh poor thing, she isn’t able to experience the joys of mother hood, so she is trying to validate her life with fancy adventures”….. 

So anyway, as I was driving through the vast emptiness of Indiana, I started to ponder…..Am I pushing the issue of life without kids, finding ways to enjoy a childless life, and replacing my infertility books with books about “celebrating life without kids” because I fear failure? I’ve never been a competitive person. If there was something that I needed to be competitive about, I would throw in the towel before I lost, just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of loosing. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother…. but am I throwing in the towel, because I don’t want to have to deal with the heartbreak month after month of more failure, and then finally coming to the end and announcing, “I’m broken….all you mothers out there win. You are better than me”, and have them post the pictures of their children in their facebook album “best life ever”. Isn’t it easier to just say “oh, My husband and I thought about doing the child thing, but we are just having so much fun traveling and volunteering abroad, that I think we are going to pass on children this life….maybe in the next, but for now, we are just really enjoying ourselves (and our Saturday mornings)”. I feel that if I make people think that I choose this childless lifestyle, that it would be easier on me, than to deal with defeat.

I’m just confused and conflicted, and still a little bit hurt that starting a family isn’t as easy for us (especially with him living away for half a year) as others. I do want to be pregnant and have babies. 5 and 7 year olds still scare the holy hell out of me, but I’m sure with time of parenting, it would get easier.

So what to do….start buying the “Baby NOT on Board” books, or continue the next several months conditioning my body to be in a better baby making shape, and look for a new Dr. ASAP for when the Hubs returns in October?  I just don’t want to be in my 50’s saying “If I could have done it all over, I would have done it differently”, whether it being waiting to have children and travel more while younger and free, not having children, or waiting to long to have them….

 

The Truth

My husband came home for the first time since he has left. It’s been a month and a half, and this house feels so much warmer. I miss having him here, and him having to leave tomorrow pains me already:(

I was doing so good on our break. Not worrying about babies, my stress level has gone down, and I feel like I am on my way up.

Last night the hubs and I went to a Tap House..I was a little shocked how many children there were. From infants to teenagers. I didn’t have a problem, other than I was a little shocked at the volume of children, and pregnant ladies at a beer house…but to each their own I guess. No problems though. I had a little bit of pain when I saw the pregnant ladies, but let it pass. The hubs and I got sat in an intimate kind of seating, and were able to talk. It was so nice to be with him back home! I picked up his phone and it was a Facebook post that had set it off. So I clicked on it, and my eyes started to fill with tears. His best friends announcing their second baby.

This week has been a real tester for me. My Sister in Law found out the sex of their baby, my coworker found out the sex of her baby, and there are babies everywhere. I hadn’t cried once. And seeing the facebook, and seeing everyones family posts, brought a flood to my eyes.

“Can I be honest”, I asked my husband….. I told him I want to tell him something, but I haven’t told anyone….so he started getting a little nervous, but I think I needed to get it off my chest. “I don’t think I’m ready to have kids yet”….anyone else shocked about that statement?! Infertility meds, blogs, and crying months because I haven’t been able to conceive….but the truth? The truth is is that I want kids so bad right now, because I am afraid of being the “old mom” or not having enough time with my kids because I waited. I’m afraid that all my friends will be on their third kid, and the fact that we don’t have any, I will loose a lot of my friends because we are no longer in the same “stage of life”.

I don’t want to be left behind….but I see these children, and it scares the shit out of me. I wake up, and have a hard enough time trying to remember to feed myself, let alone feed my dogs and the bunny. I race off to work, come home exhausted, try and force myself to eat something somewhat healthy, take the dogs for a brisk walk, and take care of the house, before I pass out. How on earth am I going to be able to add another human into this mix. We are trying to pay off our student debt, so that I wouldn’t have to work when we have kids. We figured if we put our minds to it, we can pay the debt of in 2-3 years.  I’ve lied about my age in the past, because I wanted to throw people off in case they did recognize me and my story. I am 26. I will be 27 in July. The husband comes home in October.

We talked about it, and we think that maybe by taking a year off from trying (sans medical intervention), it will help us to get out shit together.

I just…. I don’t know, maybe being the single wife that I am, and trying to heal myself from the last 4 years of mental and psychical exhausting, I just don’t think I am ready yet.

My friends all have their routines and will have the same one for the next 40 years. They wont move, they wont be without there husbands for months/years at a time, they wont worry about not having in the area. I have no friends or family in the  area. I like having the time with my husband, the nights of drinking and sleeping in until 9 am the next day, but not really getting out of bed until 11 or noon.

Maybe in the next year or so, we’ll have a better grasp at life and I’ll have my shit together, but I think my body even knows that ….now just isn’t the best time…I know, I’ve heard it too “there will never be a good time”.

All my friends who had children a year or two years ago, where I was crying at every post, now have kids in their terrible twos. They are fighting with their spouses, they are exhausted and seem so unhappy….and it scares me….because I’m enjoying my life right now with my husband, dogs and a bunny. I like going out on dates every Friday and Saturday….  I enjoy booking a trip or going camping on the fly right now…and I don’t know if I am ready to move on from that just yet….. Am I a bad person?! 

Anyway…. the husband and I think we need a break from reality soooo we booked a holiday! We are going to Costa Rica this October— adults only hotel right on the Caribbean ….what better way to spend a week after being away for 6 months!?!?! I am so excited! 5 months away! I am hoping that this will be the new motivator for me to loose this ridiculous weight, and I will be much healthier mentally and psychically by winter, and maybe we’ll start trying again then….Maybe I’ll feel better and not feel so run down all the time, where I could manager another human being…but right now, I just don’t think it’s possible….and that’s the truth.

Till then,
Mrs. M

28 days

I am doing so good at the break ladies! I can’t even begin to express how good it feels to feel like I’m getting back to normal. At one point of this trying to conceive emotional jungle, I was 100% unreasonable  when it came to babies. I wanted them, I hated everyone who had one. I hated. It was so awful to be so negative. Even looking back at some of my posts. The husband and I were fighting, I was crying all the time, and I was miserable….. so young, so full of life, and I was miserable and exhausted. Burnt out.

Since the break, which has been a month, I have really tried to be cognitive of the fact that I needed to do some intense self-spring cleaning, both mentally and physically…. and what better time when you truly CAN’T try to conceive and you have plenty of alone time? I am sure you are tired of hearing this, but I feel so damn good right now. I have been eatting better, I have been getting plenty of sleep, I have switched to Tea, and have with-gone the coffee and wine (I know they aren’t bad for you, but being on this revamping, I need to detox from everything right now and reboot). I’m starting to look healthy…not skinny, but the color is starting to come back to me, the bags of purple under my eyes are going away, and I am starting to have more energy.

I am 100% sure I have Adrenal Burnout/Exhaustion. I am all for self diagnosing, because in the past, I’ve always been right, Appendicitis? Gall stones? Stomach ulcers? Costrochondritis? I knew them all before the doctor gave me the news…… thank you WebMD! haha I know it’s not good, but I always say, as long as it doesn’t cause harm, then why not?

So, I’ve been making a conscience effort  and actually trying these changes into practice for a month, and started really getting into it about two weeks ago….and you’ll never guess….this month, I had a 28 day cycle. I couldn’t believe how excited I was! 28 days!!!! I think it’s working, and it makes me so happy! Maybe this will be the answer?

I started taking an herbal supplement that is suppose to help with Stress and Adrenal Gland support. I wasn’t so sure about it at first, but after reading about it online, and the Whole Foods Market in town selling it…. I figured it can’t be lethal right? I asked the women working in that section at Whole Foods what she thought, If I was wasting my money or not, and she swore by it. She says it has become so popular she can’t keep it on the shelves, especially with exam time for the colleges. So I picked up a bottle, and I swear it has changed my life. Although I am making good lifestyle change choices, I needed some help physically to have my body start repairing itself, because I think I was on the verge of beyond self repair!

I have so much energy. I woke up at 7am today, mowed the lawn, cleared out the area behind my shed, build a 10′ x 4′ gate that seals the section off from the dogs, and I even started tearing apart my deck, so I can build a new one. I wasn’t tired, I wasn’t cranky, I wasn’t overwhelmed. The sun was out, and I was doing work and getting my hands dirty, and I had so much fun!

Even right now, as I lay in bed typing away, my constant sense of feeling overwhelmed has dissipated. I have a feeling of serenity, not foggy or in a drugged up sense, but just able to breath easier. I know it sounds crazy, but it’s so good to feel better! To not have a constant sense of urgency about everything. I was able to chop up half the deck today, and leave the rest for later….I didn’t have the need to finish is now, or have it feel like that task was looming over my head.

I was skyeping with husband when I was outside, and not even having to mention it, he told me how different I seem. How much more relaxed and happy I seem…not happy in the sense I am beaming and bouncing off the walls in a manic way, but more at ease and content.

I am just rambling tonight. But I will say, if anyone is struggling with the same thing and are into all natural remedies, run to your nearest health food store, and pick up a bottle of Himalaya Stress Care…the main ingredient, Chyavanprash, enhances “fertility, keeps menstruation regular and helps to overcome difficulties in conception”….

All right ladies, have a good night, and a wonderful, non stressing week!

Till then,
Mrs. M

Greener Grass

The strangest thing happened over the weekend when I went to go visit my husband! We decided it would be fun to go to the Cincinnati Zoo during their Zoo Blooms weekend where all there tulips are blooming! It was so pretty, and I was so excited to be with my man for the whole weekend!

Well we get there, and everyone else in Cincinnati thought it would be the perfect Saturday for the zoo as well. I’m not even kidding, we were the ONLY couple without children and a stroller. As we pull into the parking lot, we see the parade of strollers marching towards the ticket counter, and my husband very kindly smiled at me, and said, “we can go somewhere else”. But I have an enough with my avoidance of pregnant women, children and baby. I refused to have it ruin my weekend with my husband. So I told him to press on, we’ll do it together, but if i star to cry, he can’t be judgmental.

So we are standing in line, in between to families with children….scream cranky children. The parents in front of me are just screaming at their children to sit down in the stroller or they are “going home and not seeing Elephants!”…yikes. My husband and I exchange glances, thinking the same thing, but refusing to say it out loud. After we get or tickets, we start walking around the Zoo and having the best time. We laughed until we were crying, we held hands, stole a couple kisses next to the Flamingo exhibit, and strolled around leisurely chowing down on some tasty funnel cake . Kids were everywhere. Some were running amock, others were tethered to their parent by a least, others were on the ground pouting and crying.

We decided it would be fun to take a train ride, and while we were waiting, we laughed cause we thought maybe the train is just for kids, because we were the only ones in line without them! As I looked around, I noticed how unhappy all the parents where. Not a single smiling couple. There was no family “enjoying” a day at the zoo. It was a rushed mad house.

Okay, so get to the point, right? The point is, I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel remorse seeing all the kids and their family’s….I just felt love for my husband. Love that we were doing something fun together…..together being the key word. Seeing these families miserable made me scared….do kids do that?! Maybe instead of being so miserable and sulking in the fact that I do not have kids…maybe I should remember just how lucky I am to be with my husband and be ‘Oh, so in love’. We can still laugh, and smile and show a little bit of flirtatious PDA….and I had to wonder….After spending the last two/three years jealous over those who had the ability to bare children, were there any parents out there amongst the sea of children, who were jealous of us? childless, happy,  in love,  and on a zoo date?

Don’t get me wrong, I still plan on hopping back on board the TTC train when the hubs gets back into town, but I know the grass always seems greener on the other side, and there comes a time you need to realize that if you take the time to water your own ‘grass’, it could be just as green.

so the moral of the blog….is that I’m starting to find normal again. To not cry and be overcome my jealousy and anger. In fact the pregnant girl at work has been talking more and more about her pregnancy, and I haven’t felt even a pang of jealousy towards her! It’s like it’s vanished…..I saw another pregnant lady at the zoo and I thought “whew, i do not envy her….she has got to be SO uncomfortable in this heat”!…

.Am I finally getting out of that black hole of craziness that consumed my life the last couple of years?! I think so, and it feels so damn good!!!!

Till then,
Mrs. M