The Truth

My husband came home for the first time since he has left. It’s been a month and a half, Imageand this house feels so much warmer. I miss having him here, and him having to leave tomorrow pains me already:(

I was doing so good on our break. Not worrying about babies, my stress level has gone down, and I feel like I am on my way up.

Last night the hubs and I went to a Tap House..I was a little shocked how many children there were. From infants to teenagers. I didn’t have a problem, other than I was a little shocked at the volume of children, and pregnant ladies at a beer house…but to each their own I guess. No problems though. I had a little bit of pain when I saw the pregnant ladies, but let it pass. The hubs and I got sat in an intimate kind of seating, and were able to talk. It was so nice to be with him back home! I picked up his phone and it was a Facebook post that had set it off. So I clicked on it, and my eyes started to fill with tears. His best friends announcing their second baby.

This week has been a real tester for me. My Sister in Law found out the sex of their baby, my coworker found out the sex of her baby, and there are babies everywhere. I hadn’t cried once. And seeing the facebook, and seeing everyones family posts, brought a flood to my eyes.

“Can I be honest”, I asked my husband….. I told him I want to tell him something, but I haven’t told anyone….so he started getting a little nervous, but I think I needed to get it off my chest. “I don’t think I’m ready to have kids yet”….anyone else shocked about that statement?! Infertility meds, blogs, and crying months because I haven’t been able to Imageconceive….but the truth? The truth is is that I want kids so bad right now, because I am afraid of being the “old mom” or not having enough time with my kids because I waited. I’m afraid that all my friends will be on their third kid, and the fact that we don’t have any, I will loose a lot of my friends because we are no longer in the same “stage of life”.

I don’t want to be left behind….but I see these children, and it scares the shit out of me. I wake up, and have a hard enough time trying to remember to feed myself, let alone feed my dogs and the bunny. I race off to work, come home exhausted, try and force myself to eat something somewhat healthy, take the dogs for a brisk walk, and take care of the house, before I pass out. How on earth am I going to be able to add another human into this mix. We are trying to pay off our student debt, so that I wouldn’t have to work when we have kids. We figured if we put our minds to it, we can pay the debt of in 2-3 years.  I’ve lied about my age in the past, because I wanted to throw people off in case they did recognize me and my story. I am 26. I will be 27 in July. The husband comes home in October.

We talked about it, and we think that maybe by taking a year off from trying (sans medical intervention), it will help us to get out shit together.

I just…. I don’t know, maybe being the single wife that I am, and trying to heal myself from the last 4 years of mental and psychical exhausting, I just don’t think I am ready yet.

My friends all have their routines and will have the same one for the next 40 years. They wont move, they wont be without there husbands for months/years at a time, they wont worry about not having in the area. I have no friends or family in the  area. I like having the time with my husband, the nights of drinking and sleeping in until 9 am the next day, but not really getting out of bed until 11 or noon.

Maybe in the next year or so, we’ll have a better grasp at life and I’ll have my shit together, but I think my body even knows that ….now just isn’t the best time…I know, I’ve heard it too “there will never be a good time”.

All my friends who had children a year or two years ago, where I was crying at every post, now have kids in their terrible twos. They are fighting with their spouses, they are exhausted and seem so unhappy….and it scares me….because I’m enjoying my life right now with my husband, dogs and a bunny. I like going out on dates every Friday and Saturday….  I enjoy booking a trip or going camping on the fly right now…and I don’t know if I am ready to move on from that just yet….. Am I a bad person?! 

Anyway…. the husband and I think we need a break from reality soooo we booked a holiday! We are going to Costa Rica this October— adults only hotel right on the Caribbean ….what better way to spend a week after being away for 6 months!?!?! I am so excited! 5 months away! I am hoping that this will be the new motivator for me to loose this ridiculous weight, and I will be much healthier mentally and psychically by winter, and maybe we’ll start trying again then….Maybe I’ll feel better and not feel so run down all the time, where I could manager another human being…but right now, I just don’t think it’s possible….and that’s the truth.

Image

Till then,
Mrs. M

9 thoughts on “The Truth

  1. Don’t feel bad, you are so young and kids really are such hard work if you’re not ready its much better to be honest with yourself and hubs and wait until you are. I definitely wasn’t ready at 26!! And although I’m struggling now to get pg (although not because of my age, am 32) I don’t regret the amazing fun I had in my 20s. My friends who had kids in their 20s have such a smaller pool of experience. So go enjoy your life with hubs for a while! the ‘fun’ of ttc will still be here!!

  2. I’m not shocked, and that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I think anyone is honest with themselves feels that when thinking about parenthood and the impending changes. I cried about it a few times when I was pregnant – I had spent so long praying to get pregnant that I had no idea how I was going to handle having a real baby. Even with those thoughts, that doesn’t mean you aren’t cut out for motherhood. It will just take adjustment. I’m turning 35 in August, so I’m really worried that my time is getting shorter and shorter, but I know that no matter what happens, I’ll end up happy. The hard part when TTC is remembering to *live*, and forgetting the life you used have, the one that would be so welcoming to a new addition, not the one filled with anxiety and the irrational desire to pee on things.

    • I love this. Thank you so much! You are so right, we do really need to remember to “live”…..the guilt of being okay right now because I am having such a great time right now, it a little bit hard, but your reassurance is wonderful!

  3. You are so not a bad person. I struggle daily wondering if I am ready- but it’s this year or not at all as there is a fifteen year age difference in my relationship. I am 30, but my partner is 45- so this is the year.

    Yay for Costa Roca!!!

  4. Costa Rica is supposed to be amazing. End of the day – I know we compare to others – but you have to do what you feel is right for you and your husband.

    I want my life back – my marriage back but even when I try to distract myself with other shiny things, my heart really aches for a baby. If it wasn’t for that pain, I’d opt for 6 months of travelling!

    • I know =( The pain is what is confusing me now though…is it the pain of not having children, or the the pain of being left behind and being the only couple without children..The only couple not posting 100,000 pictures of their baby eating spaghetti, or the only couple who has dogs on their christmas cards each year instead of Children….. Is it the pain of wondering if it will ever happen? Maybe it would be different if we were fertile, then I coudl put it off for another year, but after trying for 2-3, with damn near zero resutls…it scares me that by pushing it off longer, until I’m “ready” will make the chances near impossible. What if I get sick and diagnosed with a terminal illness…. what if the hubby and I get into a car accident, ect, all these things play into my fear and need of having them now, but I just don’t feel quite ready….It’s a terrible position, but I am hoping I can continue to get my shit together, and be physically and mentally more well by the time Costa Rica is over with, and we will be back to living under the same house….so maybe then?

  5. The most important thing is for you to be honest with yourself and with your hubby. If you are truly not ready right now then it just makes you an honest person and a true grown-up to own it and verbalize it. It is more important to be true to yourself and how you are feeling than to feel pressure from anything else or anyone else that is around you. This is your life…you only live once so you have to do what is best for you. I think it takes a very strong person to stand up and say I’m just not ready right now…not a bad person. I was thinking of you anyway today as I believe today was the day of a relative’s baby shower and you were not sure how you were going to cope. I think you are gonna be just fine…having just read this. You can see that there can be more to life right now than getting so caught up in all of this counting and waiting. I truly hope that whatever happens in the future it is what you want to happen and that you and you hubby enjoy every moment of it together 🙂

    • *hugs* Thank you! It was a baby shower today…. and we also had not one, not two, but THREE of our friends announce they were expecting there 2nd and 3rd babies today. I actually dealt with it better than in the past, and so very glad the hubs was home to be with me over this weekend. Thank you so much for your wonderfully nice words!

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