My husband came home for the first time since he has left. It’s been a month and a half, and this house feels so much warmer. I miss having him here, and him having to leave tomorrow pains me already:(
I was doing so good on our break. Not worrying about babies, my stress level has gone down, and I feel like I am on my way up.
Last night the hubs and I went to a Tap House..I was a little shocked how many children there were. From infants to teenagers. I didn’t have a problem, other than I was a little shocked at the volume of children, and pregnant ladies at a beer house…but to each their own I guess. No problems though. I had a little bit of pain when I saw the pregnant ladies, but let it pass. The hubs and I got sat in an intimate kind of seating, and were able to talk. It was so nice to be with him back home! I picked up his phone and it was a Facebook post that had set it off. So I clicked on it, and my eyes started to fill with tears. His best friends announcing their second baby.
This week has been a real tester for me. My Sister in Law found out the sex of their baby, my coworker found out the sex of her baby, and there are babies everywhere. I hadn’t cried once. And seeing the facebook, and seeing everyones family posts, brought a flood to my eyes.
“Can I be honest”, I asked my husband….. I told him I want to tell him something, but I haven’t told anyone….so he started getting a little nervous, but I think I needed to get it off my chest. “I don’t think I’m ready to have kids yet”….anyone else shocked about that statement?! Infertility meds, blogs, and crying months because I haven’t been able to conceive….but the truth? The truth is is that I want kids so bad right now, because I am afraid of being the “old mom” or not having enough time with my kids because I waited. I’m afraid that all my friends will be on their third kid, and the fact that we don’t have any, I will loose a lot of my friends because we are no longer in the same “stage of life”.
I don’t want to be left behind….but I see these children, and it scares the shit out of me. I wake up, and have a hard enough time trying to remember to feed myself, let alone feed my dogs and the bunny. I race off to work, come home exhausted, try and force myself to eat something somewhat healthy, take the dogs for a brisk walk, and take care of the house, before I pass out. How on earth am I going to be able to add another human into this mix. We are trying to pay off our student debt, so that I wouldn’t have to work when we have kids. We figured if we put our minds to it, we can pay the debt of in 2-3 years. I’ve lied about my age in the past, because I wanted to throw people off in case they did recognize me and my story. I am 26. I will be 27 in July. The husband comes home in October.
We talked about it, and we think that maybe by taking a year off from trying (sans medical intervention), it will help us to get out shit together.
I just…. I don’t know, maybe being the single wife that I am, and trying to heal myself from the last 4 years of mental and psychical exhausting, I just don’t think I am ready yet.
My friends all have their routines and will have the same one for the next 40 years. They wont move, they wont be without there husbands for months/years at a time, they wont worry about not having in the area. I have no friends or family in the area. I like having the time with my husband, the nights of drinking and sleeping in until 9 am the next day, but not really getting out of bed until 11 or noon.
Maybe in the next year or so, we’ll have a better grasp at life and I’ll have my shit together, but I think my body even knows that ….now just isn’t the best time…I know, I’ve heard it too “there will never be a good time”.
All my friends who had children a year or two years ago, where I was crying at every post, now have kids in their terrible twos. They are fighting with their spouses, they are exhausted and seem so unhappy….and it scares me….because I’m enjoying my life right now with my husband, dogs and a bunny. I like going out on dates every Friday and Saturday…. I enjoy booking a trip or going camping on the fly right now…and I don’t know if I am ready to move on from that just yet….. Am I a bad person?!
Anyway…. the husband and I think we need a break from reality soooo we booked a holiday! We are going to Costa Rica this October— adults only hotel right on the Caribbean ….what better way to spend a week after being away for 6 months!?!?! I am so excited! 5 months away! I am hoping that this will be the new motivator for me to loose this ridiculous weight, and I will be much healthier mentally and psychically by winter, and maybe we’ll start trying again then….Maybe I’ll feel better and not feel so run down all the time, where I could manager another human being…but right now, I just don’t think it’s possible….and that’s the truth.