Just the two of us

I am so confused right now. I really don’t have anyone else to tell this to who would understand more than my fellow bloggers. I don’t have the creative rhetoric going on, so I apologize if this doesn’t flow as well as it should. 

I went to visit the hubs again this weekend. We had so much fun. We went to a German festival in Kentucky, we drank beer in a beirgarten, listened to live music, got sunburned and talked all day completely happy and in love.  A string band came out and started playing our favorite songs with a New Orleans kind of twist, and we got up and danced, and laughed, and completely forgot that we were in public. For 5 minutes it was just us and it was perfect.

Just us. Every weekend I visit him, “just us” is becoming so much fun. I arrive late on Friday night, we go find some new fun and stylish restaurant to go try, we come home, throw on a movie, make a couple drinks and just do our thing until the wee hours. We wake up around 5:30 am so we can let the dogs out, but then we crawl back into bed and either partake in some early morning shenanigans, or we cuddle and drift back off to sleep until about 9:30 when the coffee pot starts making our coffee. Just the two of us. It’s starting to become more and more fun with each passing week.

I logged back onto my Facebook again. I remember two years ago, when my friends announced they were expecting, all 500 of them it seemed like at the time. Now, when I am logging in, I am getting baby announcements  usually for people who are on their 2nd and 3rd now, and I see either 10,000 pictures of their babies smiling, or they are posts bitching how their baby is sick, and it he/she has allergies, how the mom isn’t getting any sleep and she is tired and exhausted…and me? I’m just sitting on the other side of the screen, drinking my coffee, nursing a hangover and watching the hubs in the kitchen cooking me breakfast for just the two of us….I could get use to this.

But wait….what happened to that Cervical mucus checking, temp reading, daily stick peeing girl months ago, that thought her life was going to be over if she never had kids?

Of coarse I want them…….but I am also loving my life now. I am so torn as to what to do. I don’t want to “wait” to have them, because clearly I have issues with conception, so what makes me think it will be any easier later, with a smaller window? And I don’t just want one, I want two or three, so that’s at least 5 years.

My drive back home today was 6 hours. The whole 6 hours I went back and forth on the issue. It’s so nice to be able to pack up and go on trips. My husband always tells me when I get a little down, “Hey, but think, we get to go on awesome trips like Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic, and they can’t”…true….but are they one the other side of the computer, watching the pictures of my trip with baby vomit on their shoulder saying, “oh poor thing, she isn’t able to experience the joys of mother hood, so she is trying to validate her life with fancy adventures”….. 

So anyway, as I was driving through the vast emptiness of Indiana, I started to ponder…..Am I pushing the issue of life without kids, finding ways to enjoy a childless life, and replacing my infertility books with books about “celebrating life without kids” because I fear failure? I’ve never been a competitive person. If there was something that I needed to be competitive about, I would throw in the towel before I lost, just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of loosing. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother…. but am I throwing in the towel, because I don’t want to have to deal with the heartbreak month after month of more failure, and then finally coming to the end and announcing, “I’m broken….all you mothers out there win. You are better than me”, and have them post the pictures of their children in their facebook album “best life ever”. Isn’t it easier to just say “oh, My husband and I thought about doing the child thing, but we are just having so much fun traveling and volunteering abroad, that I think we are going to pass on children this life….maybe in the next, but for now, we are just really enjoying ourselves (and our Saturday mornings)”. I feel that if I make people think that I choose this childless lifestyle, that it would be easier on me, than to deal with defeat.

I’m just confused and conflicted, and still a little bit hurt that starting a family isn’t as easy for us (especially with him living away for half a year) as others. I do want to be pregnant and have babies. 5 and 7 year olds still scare the holy hell out of me, but I’m sure with time of parenting, it would get easier.

So what to do….start buying the “Baby NOT on Board” books, or continue the next several months conditioning my body to be in a better baby making shape, and look for a new Dr. ASAP for when the Hubs returns in October?  I just don’t want to be in my 50’s saying “If I could have done it all over, I would have done it differently”, whether it being waiting to have children and travel more while younger and free, not having children, or waiting to long to have them….


9 thoughts on “Just the two of us

  1. It is such a hard pull between the two…I know what you mean, and I think most people do! I so desparately want children and to be a mother… but I also love my freedom and travelling etc. To be honest I think everyone feels like that but because fertile people get preganant in a few months they don’t have as long to over think it like we do! I can’t wait to be preganant, but I also know it’ll be scared shitless and that’s ok because so are most ‘normal’ people…why shouldn’t we be?!

  2. I know it feels like a competition, but it really isn’t. If you could find a way to not think of it that way, you might not feel such an urgency to decide right now which camp you’re in. You have made tremendous progress toward accepting that your life may not include children–that’s huge! (Every infertile’s dream.) I know you’re not all the way there yet, and that’s okay, but you can get there AND still plan to keep trying. In my opinion, you should continue with both: keep reading up on childfree and working on getting your body baby ready. October is a long way off yet, so there’s no need to make any life-altering decisions yet. I admire your strength in allowing yourself to explore both possibilities. That’s not an easy task.

  3. Just keep enjoying this ‘time off’ for a while longer. It sounds like you’re having so much fun and good to be back in that great place with your hubby, just the two of you (for now). This TTC with fertility issues is exhausting and I sometimes wish I could switch off from it all and it sounds like you’ve been able to do that and get back to the person you once were! We all know how it changes us and how obsessive we become. Perhaps for now while hubby is still working away, just enjoy the freedom you’re both having as it must be doing wonders for your mind and body (which we all know is so important when TTC but so hard to ‘relax’). And once he’s back home for good, then you can get back to it and you’ll be recharged and stronger than ever! X

  4. I think like that whenever I visit some exotic place. That people are thinking “poor her, look at her filling her days with that to distract herself.” Truth is that most people don’t think beyond themselves so why worry what others might or might not think?

    My herbalist said something so true. He said that when you’re going through infertility, you create so many what ifs that it confuses you even more and you forget to take it just one day at a time. That the what ifs never end. He told me to focus on life, to live it and stop thinking. I’ve been reflecting on that the last couple of days.

    It sounds like you’re having loads of fun. Hold onto that and when you & the husband are ready, you’ll try again.

    • Thank you! I know i need to stop thinking. The what ifs just pile and pile. Some days I’ve got the answer…I’ll just keep having fun, while doing the baby dance as often as possible, maybe get some intervention, and then if it doesn’t happen, then I need to understand that my life isn’t over, and to just “let it be”. One day at a time is good advise though!

  5. Stay strong girl. I battle the issue of having kids or continuing the freedom.. I feel so selfish sometimes.. I battle myself constantly. Chin up-

    • It’s a hard one for sure, one that I never imagined myself to be in. It was baby or bust when we were in the midst of ttc! Now I’m all like “hmmmm…. I’m going to go throw the dogs in the back yard, and take a nap in the front yard and not work about anything”…I mean, I know I want kids…. or at least I want the idea of a family, but not sure if a family with dogs or kids is the better option.

  6. I also have trouble deciding whether or not I want to have children. I’m a military wife and it’s almost expected of us to have a bunch of kids. When we lived on base I never got along with the other wives because I didn’t have children. They thought I was weird for not wanting kids and kept their distance. I also work in pediatrics so it makes putting babies out of my mind almost impossible.

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