I am so confused right now. I really don’t have anyone else to tell this to who would understand more than my fellow bloggers. I don’t have the creative rhetoric going on, so I apologize if this doesn’t flow as well as it should.
I went to visit the hubs again this weekend. We had so much fun. We went to a German festival in Kentucky, we drank beer in a beirgarten, listened to live music, got sunburned and talked all day completely happy and in love. A string band came out and started playing our favorite songs with a New Orleans kind of twist, and we got up and danced, and laughed, and completely forgot that we were in public. For 5 minutes it was just us and it was perfect.
Just us. Every weekend I visit him, “just us” is becoming so much fun. I arrive late on Friday night, we go find some new fun and stylish restaurant to go try, we come home, throw on a movie, make a couple drinks and just do our thing until the wee hours. We wake up around 5:30 am so we can let the dogs out, but then we crawl back into bed and either partake in some early morning shenanigans, or we cuddle and drift back off to sleep until about 9:30 when the coffee pot starts making our coffee. Just the two of us. It’s starting to become more and more fun with each passing week.
I logged back onto my Facebook again. I remember two years ago, when my friends announced they were expecting, all 500 of them it seemed like at the time. Now, when I am logging in, I am getting baby announcements usually for people who are on their 2nd and 3rd now, and I see either 10,000 pictures of their babies smiling, or they are posts bitching how their baby is sick, and it he/she has allergies, how the mom isn’t getting any sleep and she is tired and exhausted…and me? I’m just sitting on the other side of the screen, drinking my coffee, nursing a hangover and watching the hubs in the kitchen cooking me breakfast for just the two of us….I could get use to this.
But wait….what happened to that Cervical mucus checking, temp reading, daily stick peeing girl months ago, that thought her life was going to be over if she never had kids?
Of coarse I want them…….but I am also loving my life now. I am so torn as to what to do. I don’t want to “wait” to have them, because clearly I have issues with conception, so what makes me think it will be any easier later, with a smaller window? And I don’t just want one, I want two or three, so that’s at least 5 years.
My drive back home today was 6 hours. The whole 6 hours I went back and forth on the issue. It’s so nice to be able to pack up and go on trips. My husband always tells me when I get a little down, “Hey, but think, we get to go on awesome trips like Costa Rica and the Dominican Republic, and they can’t”…true….but are they one the other side of the computer, watching the pictures of my trip with baby vomit on their shoulder saying, “oh poor thing, she isn’t able to experience the joys of mother hood, so she is trying to validate her life with fancy adventures”…..
So anyway, as I was driving through the vast emptiness of Indiana, I started to ponder…..Am I pushing the issue of life without kids, finding ways to enjoy a childless life, and replacing my infertility books with books about “celebrating life without kids” because I fear failure? I’ve never been a competitive person. If there was something that I needed to be competitive about, I would throw in the towel before I lost, just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the pain of loosing. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother…. but am I throwing in the towel, because I don’t want to have to deal with the heartbreak month after month of more failure, and then finally coming to the end and announcing, “I’m broken….all you mothers out there win. You are better than me”, and have them post the pictures of their children in their facebook album “best life ever”. Isn’t it easier to just say “oh, My husband and I thought about doing the child thing, but we are just having so much fun traveling and volunteering abroad, that I think we are going to pass on children this life….maybe in the next, but for now, we are just really enjoying ourselves (and our Saturday mornings)”. I feel that if I make people think that I choose this childless lifestyle, that it would be easier on me, than to deal with defeat.
I’m just confused and conflicted, and still a little bit hurt that starting a family isn’t as easy for us (especially with him living away for half a year) as others. I do want to be pregnant and have babies. 5 and 7 year olds still scare the holy hell out of me, but I’m sure with time of parenting, it would get easier.
So what to do….start buying the “Baby NOT on Board” books, or continue the next several months conditioning my body to be in a better baby making shape, and look for a new Dr. ASAP for when the Hubs returns in October? I just don’t want to be in my 50’s saying “If I could have done it all over, I would have done it differently”, whether it being waiting to have children and travel more while younger and free, not having children, or waiting to long to have them….