The eye of the Storm

Sometimes, my life is like a hurricane. I feel like I now am in the eye of the storm, with the winds about to change direction on me. The last two years, I’ve wanted to get pregnant, but I didn’t have that the baby fever I so wish I had had. I was still scared. Still a bit nervous, and still enjoying my current life a little bit too much. My body is all sorts of out wack, but I am getting back to normal. I am a little tired (okay, a LOT of tired, I can barley keep my eyes open) so this is going to be a bit scared, but I have lots of news, and some much needed advice!

Very exciting to say that my cycle is well on it’s way to getting back to normal! You’ll never believe it. It was totally on the frits when I lived out east, and I have been really trying to make a point to get it back to normal, and my stress under control. usually a 36-42 day cycle, I got my cycle down to 32 days! So exciting. I was still feeling very off, super tired, and just blah. I finally went to the doctor, and you’ll never guess! No, not pregnant, but turns out, he believes I have a gluten allergy! WHICH is a VERY common reason of unexplained infertility. It also causes roseacia AND Adrenal fatigue! So I went off gluten, I started feeling way better, AND AND AND I ovulated on day 14!!!! Thats right a 28 day cycle. I cried. I know, it might be silly to some, but what if this is the reason for the troubles we’ve had. A gluten allergy/intolerance not only causes low progesterone, but it also causes very early miscarriages. So I thought I’d share.

 

Now here is the advise I am calling for from all my TTC bloggers. The husband was suppose to be gone for 4 months. He was due back End of July. He now is extended until November ūüė¶ My birthday is next week and I will be 27. I don’t know why, maybe it’s being gluten free, but ¬†I am starting to have baby fever like something fierce. I feel ready. I feel confident, and I don’t want to have to wait 5-6 more months before trying. ¬†Not only that, but I’ve been away from him, with the occasional one weekend a month visit, for three months now, and it is not getting any easier. I miss him so much. We are so much better together…..

So, should I quit my job, pack up the doggies and a suitcase and move down there with him?! Or should I be responsible, and continue working to pay off debt, and just wait until he comes back at the end of the year?

 

It’s such a hard decision. We are doing very well financially right now, and can afford for me to quit, but if I quit, then it will be tight. With me working, we are paying off some much needed debt, but we are unhappy and sad being away from each other. My work decided to be ass-hats and tell me I can’t take any days off this entire summer, because we are too busy, so I will hardly be able to see him, and it is just continuing the delay of us trying to do the family thing.¬†

What would you do? Would you “man up” and continue to live apart for the next 5 more months, or would you say “screw it, lifes to short” and quit your job and move to where your hubby is located? ¬†I really really really don’t want to have to wait putting of kids, and now that I am regular, I am just ready to go!¬†

Any way, I have more to say, but I can’t even keep my eyes open, so I thought I would put it out there to see if anyone have 2 cents.¬†

 

Till Then, 
Mrs. M

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No broken

I am not broken.

I am smart, beautiful, a little chubby but healthy. I am a conservative tree-huger, a fighter for animal rights, and I am a loving wife, sister and a friend. I am everything, but I am not broken.

WordPress sent me a “happy anniversary” today for being here a year. If only it new the reason I was here. Maybe it should be a sympathy message, rather than a Happy Anniversary. A year of blogs, and ¬†obsession, and bitterness. A blog where I have met wonderful people on a terrible journey, who shared our tears on our darkest of days, and shared our joy on the happiest. We. are. not. broken.

We are strong women. Stronger then most women I know because we have to face the difficulties of our bodies not working like mother nature intended it to. We are strong, capable and have beautiful souls because we want to birth and nurture another living being. We may be on a different path, But we are not broken.

I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe that there is “another plan” for me. What I do believe, is that this is real. That I may never be a mother to a biological child. But it doesn’t mean I am broken. It means that I have the opportunity to Carpe Diem! I am not just at a cross roads, but I am standing in an open field, allowed to wander in whichever direction I may choose, and backtrack if I may wish. ¬†I am the author of my life, and I refuse to write the ending because I’m not among the rest of my friends and society my age having children.

Just because I don’t have a litter of children doesn’t make me any less intelligent, strong, social, capable, loving, and passionate. Maybe I will place all my love and passion into making this world a better place for the children that are entering it. Maybe the word needs people who have the heart, flexibility and option to save the world. We are not broken. We may not be living the life we thought we always wanted, but there is no sense in pouting and missing the life we have.

Dear friends. If you are at a low tonight. If you had another failed cycle. My heart is with you, and I hope that you will have the strength to see your life as it is. It is what it is. Your life and my life, will not be meaninglessness  because we are unable to conceive a child. Let us not forget that we have so much to offer the world, and we should do it.

“A Conception Story”, it’s what I choose as the address to my blog. One day I thought that these written hardships would be part a baby journal, a conception story, that I could share. But Webster doesn’t say that “conception” is just for pregnancy. Conception can be something that is conceived, a notion, and idea…

Maybe my conception story will not be filled with diapers and sleepless nights. Maybe my conception story will be part of a greater story, a story of the day when I choose to relinquish my preconceived thoughts on how my life should be, and embrace the idea of what I will make with my life that is.

 

Till Then,
Mrs. M.


 

 

Half way to Apathy

So half way thru the TWW. Still so pissed that I find myself in the TWW. I think I’m mostly pissed, because I’ve been feeling so much better. I haven’t been stressing, I am feeling normal and I am getting regular, so if it doesn’t work…I’m scared that It will NEVER happen, you know?

We had three straight days of +OPKs. We baby danced on the first and last. And now I just wait I guess. I have tried to not think about it, but the last week I haven’t been able to keep anything down. It started the day before I got my +opk, so I know it’s not an kind of sign, although everyone at work insists it is.

“I bet you are pregnant” and I reply “I’m not.” They reply “You don’t know that”. And I say a little too forcefully, “Yes I do…because 1. I know my cycle 2. If I haven’t been able to get pregnant in the 3 years I’ve been trying, and if I magically pregnant the time he is gone…I’m in either a lot of trouble, or it’s an act of God, and I’m not religious, and THREE…. I’ve been pregnant before, and I don’t feel the same, so I’m not pregnant.” end of that discussion.

Do my boobs hurt? Of coarse they do. They hurt every month… but actually this month they don’t hurt NEARLY as bad as the months previous. Maybe it’s because I’m taking Vitex, and that is suppose to help with PMS symptoms. The only thing different, is my sacroiliac joint hurts like a holy hell right now. So bad, in fact, that I am in tears at work because it hurts so terrible. I can’t bend over, I can ¬†stand up to walk right away. I just sit there and keep shifting because It’s so uncomfortable. It’s got to be from running. Strange, because I’ve been running before, I’ve always been a runner, and I’ve never had this happen. ūüė¶

I have had no cramps, no twinges, nothing. I’ve actually had more symptoms on months I thought I was pregnant, than I do now. My stomach issues were caused by excessive bile. Maybe I ate something bad? So I started taking some Zantac, and I feel sooooo much better!

We’ve been having some violent storms the last week, as much of the Midwest has…. It’s Saturday, I turned on the AC to get the muggy-ness out of my house, and I think I’m going to sleep the rest of the day. I have so much to do in terms or house and yard work, but I just don’t have the energy or care about it.

I have total apathy today….. More annoyance than anything. Maybe I can sleep it off.

 

Till Then,

Mrs. M