The Monster I am

I just need to get it out there, because I feel so horrible and i am so alone 😦

My 3 year old dog attacked me in the middle of the night last night when she heard the smoke alarm go off. It went off for no reason, but when she gets started, or doesn’t like something she sees/hears (door bell, car door slamming, knocking, smoke alarm) she becomes VERY aggressive.

The smoke alarm when off last night and she shredded my arm:( blood all over the walls, chunks of skin on the ground…it happened so fast and it was so scary. She wouldn’t stop attacking me, so I threw her in the bedroom and slammed the door. She bit right through my wedding ring, broke my left hand knuckle by crushing it with her teeth, and bit repeatedly my right arm.

Sophie came from a very very VERY bad home. She was a previous dog fighter. Maybe she wasn’t thee fighter, but she had certainly lived that lifestyle. She was rescued from a 47 dog raid from Michigan. She was saved. So sweet when we first adopted her. She became instant friends with our other dog and bunny, and was so happy to be away from the previous life. She got to go on long car rides, trips around the US and long walks.

I dont know what happened, but as months went on, she showed more and more aggression. In April, she bit me really bad in the stomach. It was the first time she did it, and I thought it was  a fluke. Then she bit me again on the arm when I was taking her toy away…..There have been other times she has tried snapping at me, due to something else she heard, but never got the chance to bite.

I didn’t know what to do. All of us women (and men) are on here, and follow my blog because we all have the same thing in common. We want a family. Since I can’t have kids, dogs were replaced. I thought i could save her. Rehab her from the life that was previous brought upon her by the evils of man. But her aggression is too spontaneous and too scattered. The doorbell will ring, and she will loose her shit to the point I have to leave the room, or she will come after me. She will be laying on the couch cuddling, until the TV makes a car slamming sound, and she has to be pushed away.

So 3 am this morning. I wrapped up my arm in a towel to stop the bleeding. I grabbed Sophies collar and told her she was going for a car ride. She was so excited. Like a different dog from the Godzilla-man eating one I had experienced just minutes before. I cried the whole way to the vet, because I knew what had to be done. What if she were to get out of the house/fence and go after a neighbor kid? or even my own?

I gave her a whole bag of her favorite treats on the way over. She was in pure bliss. The car ride was so hard this morning. My husband still lives in Cincinnati, and not having any friends or family, it was  a solo journey. She licked my face the whole way there, even parts of my shredded-towel-wrapped arm. Almost as if it was a plea or apology.

The vet was there waiting for me, because I had called minutes prior to ask if they did emergency euthanasia. She was such a good dog at the vet. She was getting lots of attention and treats. I filled out paperwork just sobbing, because I feel so guilty. My sweet little Sophie. Humans were so cruel to her and I don’t think she’ll ever recover.

She was good with listening and commands. She walked well on a leash, but as soon as she snapped, there was no stopping her, untill whatever it was stopped….and this time it was down the hall in another room.

I kissed my Sophie goodbye, as they gave her relief from this cruel world. She wobbled and laid down, and was gone. Alone, bleeding and feeling utterly helpless I heaved over her still body and let out every tear I had built up from the last year. The hatred for the men running the dog fighting ring, hatred for cruel humans, hatered for my work, because I knew they wouldn’t consider this to be a reason to miss work. I cried loss for the little pit that lost her battle with life because her human owner didn’t know what else to do.

Did I do the right thing? Am I just as bad as the people who abused her? She lived tied up in a oil drum for 2.5 years. The last 10 months of her life was in a warm bed every night, lots of treats and love. I tried. God did I try and make her be okay. and I failed. 

So now I came home, after going to the ER and receiving a round of antibiotics and 21 stitches in my arm. I stepped into an empty house with leashes, food dishes and her favorite toys. Blood splattered all over the walls and the floor, with itty bitty chunks of my flesh from where she tore into me. What if it was my head, neck or face and not my arm? That’s all I can be thinking about to make myself feel less of a terrible human for doing this to my Sophie:(

Am I a monster?