The Monster I am

I just need to get it out there, because I feel so horrible and i am so alone 😦

My 3 year old dog attacked me in the middle of the night last night when she heard the smoke alarm go off. It went off for no reason, but when she gets started, or doesn’t like something she sees/hears (door bell, car door slamming, knocking, smoke alarm) she becomes VERY aggressive.

The smoke alarm when off last night and she shredded my arm:( blood all over the walls, chunks of skin on the ground…it happened so fast and it was so scary. She wouldn’t stop attacking me, so I threw her in the bedroom and slammed the door. She bit right through my wedding ring, broke my left hand knuckle by crushing it with her teeth, and bit repeatedly my right arm.

Sophie came from a very very VERY bad home. She was a previous dog fighter. Maybe she wasn’t thee fighter, but she had certainly lived that lifestyle. She was rescued from a 47 dog raid from Michigan. She was saved. So sweet when we first adopted her. She became instant friends with our other dog and bunny, and was so happy to be away from the previous life. She got to go on long car rides, trips around the US and long walks.

I dont know what happened, but as months went on, she showed more and more aggression. In April, she bit me really bad in the stomach. It was the first time she did it, and I thought it was  a fluke. Then she bit me again on the arm when I was taking her toy away…..There have been other times she has tried snapping at me, due to something else she heard, but never got the chance to bite.

I didn’t know what to do. All of us women (and men) are on here, and follow my blog because we all have the same thing in common. We want a family. Since I can’t have kids, dogs were replaced. I thought i could save her. Rehab her from the life that was previous brought upon her by the evils of man. But her aggression is too spontaneous and too scattered. The doorbell will ring, and she will loose her shit to the point I have to leave the room, or she will come after me. She will be laying on the couch cuddling, until the TV makes a car slamming sound, and she has to be pushed away.

So 3 am this morning. I wrapped up my arm in a towel to stop the bleeding. I grabbed Sophies collar and told her she was going for a car ride. She was so excited. Like a different dog from the Godzilla-man eating one I had experienced just minutes before. I cried the whole way to the vet, because I knew what had to be done. What if she were to get out of the house/fence and go after a neighbor kid? or even my own?

I gave her a whole bag of her favorite treats on the way over. She was in pure bliss. The car ride was so hard this morning. My husband still lives in Cincinnati, and not having any friends or family, it was  a solo journey. She licked my face the whole way there, even parts of my shredded-towel-wrapped arm. Almost as if it was a plea or apology.

The vet was there waiting for me, because I had called minutes prior to ask if they did emergency euthanasia. She was such a good dog at the vet. She was getting lots of attention and treats. I filled out paperwork just sobbing, because I feel so guilty. My sweet little Sophie. Humans were so cruel to her and I don’t think she’ll ever recover.

She was good with listening and commands. She walked well on a leash, but as soon as she snapped, there was no stopping her, untill whatever it was stopped….and this time it was down the hall in another room.

I kissed my Sophie goodbye, as they gave her relief from this cruel world. She wobbled and laid down, and was gone. Alone, bleeding and feeling utterly helpless I heaved over her still body and let out every tear I had built up from the last year. The hatred for the men running the dog fighting ring, hatred for cruel humans, hatered for my work, because I knew they wouldn’t consider this to be a reason to miss work. I cried loss for the little pit that lost her battle with life because her human owner didn’t know what else to do.

Did I do the right thing? Am I just as bad as the people who abused her? She lived tied up in a oil drum for 2.5 years. The last 10 months of her life was in a warm bed every night, lots of treats and love. I tried. God did I try and make her be okay. and I failed. 

So now I came home, after going to the ER and receiving a round of antibiotics and 21 stitches in my arm. I stepped into an empty house with leashes, food dishes and her favorite toys. Blood splattered all over the walls and the floor, with itty bitty chunks of my flesh from where she tore into me. What if it was my head, neck or face and not my arm? That’s all I can be thinking about to make myself feel less of a terrible human for doing this to my Sophie:(

Am I a monster?

37 thoughts on “The Monster I am

  1. Oh my god, I cried when I read this 😦 You did the right thing. You did the right thing without any question whatsoever. What a terrible, terrible thing to have happened. You must be so upset and so devastated, but you didn’t fail her – what you provided made it all better for her and she went out of this life happy and loved. She needed a happy ending, and as sad as it seems now, it was. You couldn’t fix her, but you did the next best thing X.

    • Thank you for your kind words. God I can’t stop sobbing. I feel sick with images of her wagging tail in my head and her silly personality. I just needed to know I did the right thing…. I feel so awful….

  2. Oh hunny you’re not a monster by any stretch of the imagination. Unfortunately Sophie’s past life left her with some scars and scars aren’t things that are easy to fix. You gave her a wonderful life these last 10 months and she obviously loved you, but her past life made her react to certain situations in a way that isn’t safe for anyone. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this alone, but you did the right thing. I hope that you heal both physically and emotionally and know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk ❤

  3. You are not a monster.
    I am bawling my eyes out right now, I cannot even imagine what you must be going through right now. My dog is my baby, my child, my everything, just like you said, but I get it. 21 stitches in your arm? Blood all over the wall? That’s not okay. That poor, poor abused dog, and you are a wonderful person for trying to give her a better life. I’m so so sorry it didn’t work out the way you had imagined and I am SO sorry you’re going through this alone right now. Thinking of you, sympathizing and sending lots of hugs. xoxo

    • Thank you for your kind words! I does make me feel a slight bit better to know that others would have done the same thing, or at least thought it to be the best decision. It’s never easy…. If I could be told this would be her only bite and she’ll never do it again, i would keep her in a heartbeat, but she is just too unpredictable. Gosh I miss her so much and it’s only been 1 hour since I came home to the empty house.

  4. Oh my goodness this post brought me to such tears, I am so sorry you had to go through this. Such a heartbreaker, I hope you have a speedy recover, but I am sure your heart will take longer to heal. Big hugs!!!

  5. This made me cry too! I have two dogs, one of which is a rescue dog and has been a LOT of work. She’s terrified of everyone and though I don’t see her being aggressive to us, I do worry about her behavior with a baby (or worse, a toddler who gets in her face). I’m so, so sorry you had to go through this. I know how awful I’d feel and how much I’d miss my dog if I was in your position. But you did what you had to and please don’t ever blame yourself. You didn’t fail– you tried with a dog who may have never had someone to love her otherwise. She was happy and loved. From what you describe, she couldn’t be safety re-homed with someone else, and if you had brought her to a shelter she’d likely just be put to sleep scared and alone. Thinking of you 😦

  6. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, on top of everything else. You tried and did EVERYTHING you could to make sure Sophie had a good life after her rescue. You must feel so much right now, and I’m glad you let it out. I hope your arm, and your heart, heal quickly.

    • Thank you, I hope so too, but mostly the heart, because the arm can be helped with some stitches and IB Prophen, where as the pain and the guilt of doing what I did and missing her, are not as easily cured:(

  7. So, so sad. I’m sure you did everything you could. It was the best ten months of her life, friend. She left this world happy with her savior by her side. Big hugs to you xox

  8. This post is devastating!!! Yes, you did the right thing. The best thing actually. I know you loved your Sophie. I have a dog that I love well beyond reason. But if he attacked me like that and I knew he could. potentially do much more serious injury or even cause a person death, hard as it would be, there just wouldn’t be any other choice. Poor Sophie. It wasn’t her fault people ruined her life with violence. But she also saw the good side of man. She felt love and safety and knew she had good masters. Even though her end came as it did, she had 10 wonderful months as a well cared for pet and that’s what really matters. I’m sorry you had to go through that but don’t feel guilt for doing your best to protect other people. Some scars are just too deep.

    • Thank you for your sweet words. They definetly made me cry. I hope what you said is true, and that she was able to see the good and people and left with world feeling loved.

  9. Oh this is awful. I am so sorry this happened to you. But I will also add the chorus saying you 100% did the right thing. I’m sure that knowing that doesn’t make this any easier right now, but it was the only path to take. While I know you feel awful, it actually takes tremendous strength to make this decision and follow through with it. Wishing you peace in future days.

    • The decision and follow through was infact, the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and to have to do it alone in the middle of the night…. i am pretty sure shock and adrenaline were the only things carrying me through the entire ordeal, now I am just dehydrating myself by crying my eyes out in am empty room. I definitely found peace in your kind words. Thank you.

  10. Oh my, I’m crying for you! You clearly did everything you could for her! My sister is a huge animal activist and went through the same thing. It makes you question everything when you should know you did nothing wrong at all. She is in a better place right now! It takes a good person to do what you did for her. hang in there!

    • Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am glad you are able to give me a perspective that others who are good hearted go through the same thing…. Denver, CO euthanize’s pits by the mass just for being a pit…. There are many more animals out there than need to be saved who are scheduled to die just because they don’t have a home…. so in a couple of months, maybe we will be able to open up our home and save another dog and give it a life I couldn’t give Sophie…

  11. This is so heartbreaking, I had tears in my eyes by the time I was done reading….I’m so sorry you had to go through this but no- you are NOT a monster. You had to do it because next time it could have been your face or some little kid’s face…it’s not your fault it’s the idiots who raised her to fight and be like that and she just couldn’t completely recover from that. Again, I’m so sorry, and I’m sorry you had to be alone 😦

  12. I am very sorry to hear that you went through this. You are not a monster and you followed your conscience. I say this only for the benefit of others who come behind you and read this. I wish you’d surrendered her to a Pit Bull Rescue first. Sometimes we think we are the only one’s who can save an animal. The reality is that you weren’t able to work out Sophie’s issues but someone else might have been.

    Many people don’t appreciate that Pit Bulls are NOT like every other dog. My partner says Pits (we have two) are like three times the normal dogs. Pits cannot have boundaries of their own. Pits cannot be babied. You must be firm and disciplined with them at all times. Love comes within those strictures.

    When you don’t handle a PIt Bull correctly, they often revert into bad behaviors.

    Again, you made a decision that a Pit Bull rescue might have come to as well, but it would have been nice to know if someone else, someone with a different disposition might have been what Sophie required.

    • I understand, and I appreciate where you are coming from. Sophie is not our first pit, and I understand what you mean by having a strong owner, our other pit is a very loyal and intelligent dog. Sophie did come from a pit rescue after they ‘rehabbed’ her enough to be adoptable. We did train Sophie, and she was good with commands, the sad part is, is that there were certain “triggers” that the rescue nor I, where able to predict, and those triggers were so deeply ingrained in her past, that she wasn’t “Sophie” when she heard them. She became a different and violent dog, that didn’t recognize me or commands. Sometimes the demands these dogs have from spending 3 years in a fighting ring are too much to bare, and pit with a now history of a bite, would never be adoptable.

      But I do hope that when readers read this comment, they do understand that pits are not “purse” dogs, but dogs that are a working breed and do need strong owners. There is nothing wrong with loving a dog thought, especially after these dogs were”too” controlled with violence and cruelty for years.

      • Thanks for that context and background. My female has trauma from her first six months (first with a fight ring and then some well-meaning but ill equipped fosters). She remains traumatized to this day. Fortunately, not as deeply as Sophie.

        I wish you the best.

        E.S.

  13. This breaks my heart. You did the best possible thing for her (and for yourself). I’m so sorry you had to do that alone. With her unpredictable triggers and attacks she would have sensed your fear and who knows what could have happened. I work at a vet and these are the hardest cases to deal with but we always understand and factor what’s best for owner and pet. I don’t think your choice was selfish, wrong or acted upon with ill will. She knew you loved her until the very end. You gave her a great life after her unfortunate beginning. I wish I could give you a huge hug. I’m so, so sorry.

    • Thank you for your kind words. I am glad that you are able to give me a perspective where you truley understand. God did I love her, and knowing she was troubled made me love her even more, just so she knew that all humans weren’t the same, and some have the capability of love. When she was gone, I looked at her still body, and finally saw what peace was supposed to look like…. a look I had never seen her have before:'(

  14. I’m so, so sorry! Sometimes the best way we can show love is to let go and let our loved ones find peace. You absolutely did the right thing – it was the harder choice to make, but it was the right one.

  15. You are not a monster! You have her a great life, full of love and compassion, these past 10 months. No one could have erased those years of abuse.

    • Thank you:) I’m doing much better from my last post- both physically and mentally, although any moment I due think about little Sophie and pang of guilt still retches through me:(

      • So glad you answered and that you are feeling better. Time, time, time – you always hear it but it does help. And it will also help you realize you really have nothing to feel guilty about. I will be thinking of you!

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