Nipples – an infertiles ‘weather vane’

Yep. I am going there on this post.

Nipples are a funny thing. It’s one of the words I can’t stand even the sound of. They are such a versatile part of our body, aren’t they though? They are a feeding tube of life, a chew toy (or so they think) for our husbands, and for  those of us trying to conceive, they are like a weather vane with a storm on the horizon.

With my husband being gone….well nipples have just been another part of my flabby, bloated, and bored anatomy……. that is, until yesterday. *sigh* I hate that I am going there right now.

So I was hoping out of the shower yesterday, grabbed a towel and wrapped it around myself. *OUCH….what the….*. I tucked the last part of the towel into itself to secure it, looked in the mirror and thought to myself, ‘why are those so sensitive?’ and then I thought….. and then I cringed…. and then I tried to unthink it. ‘I don’t have time to deal with this shit now….I have a lot going on, finding myself in a two week wait is not going to be one of them’.

So rewind a couple more day back to Friday. I woke up, noticed EWCM, and was pissed that this is the weekend my husband decided to stay in Ohio. Throughout the day I noticed more and more. All of a sudden, my computer completely crashed at work, and I was a sitting duck with nothing to do, so my boss said I could take a half day….. half day….EWCM…. I’M DRIVING TO OHIO!  I made it just in time to have some of the best sex of our marriage….and again on Saturday.

Now I am trying my hardest not to  be”trying” to conceive  until he comes home, and in which then we can make an honest go about it, but why waste perfectly good EWCM? hahah – only us ttc can understand that!

Again, haven’t given it any though  until yesterday. It can’t be….could it? I mean, it’s only been 4 days…..to early, no?  I know what you are thinking “please God, I will cry if she gets pregnant over a weekend with her husband before me who has been trying every single night”. I know ladies, and rest assured I am so confident that there isn’t a snow balls chance in hell that I am pregnant, that I am dropping $120 bucks to register my friend and I for the Warrior Dash that is coming up in June! I am that confident.

We tried every other day for months straight. Yes, I could have been ovulating like I do EVERY month we have sex at the right time and still are childless, but the hard truth is, is I don’t have enough progesterone to sustain a pregnancy. I refuse to take a pregnancy test this month. It’s a waste of time, money and heartache…..I will find out on the day of my race. So I am either going to be running my first race with joy and pure bliss, or sobbing angerly the entire 3 miles.

It’s such an uncomfortable feeling for me. I want to be pregnant more that anything, but I am so jaded from month after month, that when my nipples point east and try and warn me that there might be something on the horizon, I get bitter, because I know it’s just another false alarm…..

That’s all I’ve got. It’s hot here. I was so tired today I fell asleep on hold at work because they were playing elevator music on the other line. I felt SO sick I was that tired, but I got home, and I forced myself to lace up. I feel good about the run, but good God am I tired!

Till then,

Mrs. M

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A Change of Pace

What a week. My sister in law has been non stop about how much her baby cries (really?! I feel like you should have seen this coming), My best friends has been texting me left and right how her bump is starting to show and asking me if she should go with the brown owls or the green owls (I’m her best friend, so I’m being supportive), and another good friend, the one that was going through fertility issued, and then failed to tell me she was pregnant until I saw it on facebook, is currently in labor. What else can you do other than run it out?

I ran my best run today. It’s not much for some people, but its my best, and that’s what matters…. I did 2.5 miles straight at a 12 minute pace. It was exhilarating to breath and get alone time with me.

Image

This is a picture I took of my halfway point — Nothing but corn and sky!

I can’t describe the freedom of running when there is no one around. I get out there, I turn on my music, and I let go.  I can’t remember if I wrote about this before, but I decided to sign up for a race!!!!  I am doing the Firefly 5K race downtown Chicago in 2 weeks. I’m so nervous, but it’s been helping me keep focused on something other than my uterus.

So when my husband left, I was right about 192 lbs (yikes I know). The scale showed 176 today! I was in pure bliss. My husband thought I looked so good when I went to visit him this weekend, that he is buying himself a pair of running shoes this weekend and going to try it out himself. Not only because I looked good, but he hears me yammer on about how much fun my run was….and they usually are – of coarse, as they saying goes, the ‘the hardest step is the one out the door’. I had 1 million excuses for not running today….. but I did it!

I’m not going to yammer on about this all night, but I wanted to share, because this has really been helping me, and maybe it would be fun for a couple of us girls going through this hellacious infertility pain month after month, and focus on something else like running a race, (the Firefly is in a bunch of City’s around the US) or setting goals for each other….or even a book club – but for Godsakes, we need a distraction!

That is actually all I’ve got tonight. I just got back from the run, and I feel…. okay… which is 90% than I have felt the last couple of weeks.

Let me know if any of you ladies out there wants to be blogging/running buddies – no matter where in the world you are, we can prepare for a 5K together!

“There will be a day when I no longer can run — today is not that day”

Till then,

Mrs. M

I need you

Well, today is baby day. My sister-in-law is in the O.R. awaiting her C-Section as we speak, and the whole family has traveled to see her, and are anxiously gatthered in the hospital lobby awaiting the arrival of the new addition.

I don’t know which is more awful, the fact that I can’t feel happy because the jealousy is so intense, or the fact that I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am all alone in Illinois. My husband got delayed AGAIN, so now we are looking at November when we finally might be able to live together. I have no family, no friends, no children, and now only one dog.

I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself, and feeling angry all the time. I want to be happy.

My husband asked me if I could run to the store and pick them up a congratulatory card, since he doesn’t have the time to do it. I usually do all the birthday/anniversary/sympathy cards, so I don’t think he knew what he was asking, when he asked me kindly to do it. I didn’t tell him – I didn’t fight, I just want to keep these awful feelings to myself.

I went to the store, stood in the aisle with all the baby blue and pink cards….. What the hell am I doing — I am not this brave.
I felt the pain brewing up, but commanded it back down — that is, until I opened the first card, which beautifully explained the miracle of birth, and how much love a baby will bring. One tear, followed by a second one. God Damn it! I want to be happy for her!

I got through 4 cards, before the jealously and pain was consumed by bitterness and anger. How can I hate someone, for doing exactly what I want to do?! I am disgusted with myself.
I need my husband here. I want to cry in his arms — but no, because my husband lives two states away, I have to wait until after work, to call him an unleash the damn of tears I’ve been holding back at work all day. I get to cry into a cold t-mobile phone, wishing I could be touched and assured that it will be okay.

This should be a happy day… It shouldn’t be this hard to pen out well wishes on a card!

Till then,
Mrs. M

Running for/from my life

So that last post — I guess you could say I was feeling a little bitter that day, eh?

I ‘ve decided to run from my problems, my bad days, and my memories. Now that my arm is half way decent, I have gone back to the gym and started running. God how it feels so good with each pounding step. I did my first 5K (not in a race, just timing myself) and it was beautiful. The sweat poured out of me, as if it was my body’s way of crying from the last few months. My shins are spent, but I went out an bought some fantastic new shoes (running shoes), which is suppose to help. 

I also went back to trying to be gluten free. The new diet in combination of the running, i have lost 13 lbs since day we lost Sophie — 3 weeks ago. I feel better. I feel healthier. I feel more alive — but I am also still bitter as fuck…..but I will get there.

 

the SIL I wrote about months ago, is having her baby this week. I don’t know why I feel so angry about it. She shouldn’t have having kids- and this isn’t just a jealously issue – she isn’t physically capable of taking care of one! It just makes me so bad I cry about it. My husband and I aren’t even excited. It’s sad. It’s their first child, and I feel like we should be oogeling over them, but she is such a bitch, I’d be afraid I would just slap her in from of the entire hospital staff. 

Okay, so  I havent been able to outrun my anger issues with infertility, but I am hoping being down  (7 lbs shy of my wedding day weight) with my weight and feeling healthier will help things along. I am hoping we will be able to do more aggressive infertility treatment, and I am really hoping he is going to be home long enough for it. 

The holiday is coming up in a couple of weeks, and my husband wants to take me to the cabin with his bother, and their three kids (babies). Did I mention I don’t much care for her either? She dresses up her children like they are fashion accessories — really, why does a 3 year old need a mow-hawk and a skull and cross bones attire? Her 6 month old baby girl wearing nothing but zebra stripes and pink head bands. I know. I’m judgmental — but it’s my blog, and it’s the only place I can say these things. 

I agreed to go and have fun with my husband, but I am dreading the days. We have to make the 8 hour trip north, and they NEVER come see us, because “It’s too difficult to travel with kids.” I’m going to call horseshit on that one. Yes it may be difficult, but her kids are so sheltered, that they don’t ever get to leave their neighborhood. It annoys me. 

I hate that my husband and I, because we are “childless” have to do EVERYTHING because “it’s easier for us”. We make the drive back damn near once a month, and in the 3 years we’ve been here, not ONE of his family members, except his mom and dad, have come to visit us. 

Wow, I promise the next post I write will not be so angry! I will tell you how the running and the dieting is going! Hopefully I can loose just enough to look good in a bathing suit for our upcoming getaway! 

 

Sorry again loves for the horrifically angry post — and thank you for being here for me:)

Till then, 

Mrs. M

Waiting for a break

I am back. The stitches are out, and my heart is still broken completely in half. Today marks the one year anniversary our little Sophie was rescued from the Dog-fighting ring. One year. I do my best to stay busy, and with my single-wife life, it’s not difficult to do. I started running again to keep my mind from wandering too much. It feels incredible to let the pain out with each slamming step.

Because my life can’t be easy, our main sewer line to our house decided to break, and I had to get a plumber out right away to replace the entire main line….. $$$. At this point, I don’t even care. Shit happens, and it happens a lot….I even was called for Jury duty today, and had to stand on a trial which I felt was totally bogus, and made me hate our selfish society even more….seriously, what happened with taking responsibility?

….Will trying to conceive ever get easier? Will the pain ever lighten up? My husband has been away for almost 5 months now, and each month I still feel the agonizing feeling of being barren.

This past weekend we planned a trip to Indianapolis. We let the dog stay with a friend, and we booked a hotel room, just the two of us. I don’t know if it was just months of exhaustion and missing my husband, but we took a bath, and I broke down into such a gut wrenching sob, it hurt. I collapsed onto my husbands bare chest and  I let go of the entire world, while letting him save me. God, I miss him.

After letting it all out, and him making my world right again, we ordered some food and drinks, and got a little tipsy….and I know this is TMI, but we had THEE best sex of the five years we’ve been together. I don’t know what it was, but it was like we were in college again.

I am sure I am not the only one to do this, but since I am still a TTC-nut-bag, I carry OPK’s when I start to notice EWCM. Well, that next afternoon I decided to pee on a stick (just to keep tabs where I am during my cycle), and sure as shit, the darkest OPK I have yet to see. win. We had the best sex of our lives, We are going to do it again in 12 hours (which we did) and I am going to conceive (which I didn’t)

I don’t understand. The last couple of months, I have seen dark positive OPKS when the husband was home visiting, we DTD….and still nothing. How is this possible?

My friends  and SIL are all having their baby’s this month. I am back to being my bitter- crotchety self. I don’t give a shit about their babys, or their strollers, or the color of their nursery’s. I am angry because I was made to be a mother, and I can’t, and I don’t know why. 

I’m just angry tonight, and that is why this post isn’t well written and scattered all over the place.

I am angry because I miss my husband. I am angry because our society rewards the irresponsible. I am angry because I had to kill my dog, because some degenerate decided he’d make his living fighting them. I am pissed because I can’t get a positive pregnancy test like my 100,000 friends can. I feel like I am in the movie 300, and I am being slaughtered by life. I can’t get ahead, I am exhausted and I am tried of not catching a fucking break.

Till then,

Mrs. M

PS- because I have cramps and I am feeling ultra-cuntish tonight…. I would like to say, If you are on this network blogging about infertility for months, if not years, and then you have the miracle of becoming pregnant….you are a selfish tramp if you decide to start blogging about your aches/pains/uncomfortable symptoms you are experiencing during your first couple months of being pregnant. I just want to reach through the screen and bitch slap them in the face with my Dell. How soon we forget the aches and pains of having a broken heart each month, eh?…. If it were me, I would take the growing fetus pains and shut the hell up.

PSS- I will try and be nicer next post.