Waiting for a break

I am back. The stitches are out, and my heart is still broken completely in half. Today marks the one year anniversary our little Sophie was rescued from the Dog-fighting ring. One year. I do my best to stay busy, and with my single-wife life, it’s not difficult to do. I started running again to keep my mind from wandering too much. It feels incredible to let the pain out with each slamming step.

Because my life can’t be easy, our main sewer line to our house decided to break, and I had to get a plumber out right away to replace the entire main line….. $$$. At this point, I don’t even care. Shit happens, and it happens a lot….I even was called for Jury duty today, and had to stand on a trial which I felt was totally bogus, and made me hate our selfish society even more….seriously, what happened with taking responsibility?

….Will trying to conceive ever get easier? Will the pain ever lighten up? My husband has been away for almost 5 months now, and each month I still feel the agonizing feeling of being barren.

This past weekend we planned a trip to Indianapolis. We let the dog stay with a friend, and we booked a hotel room, just the two of us. I don’t know if it was just months of exhaustion and missing my husband, but we took a bath, and I broke down into such a gut wrenching sob, it hurt. I collapsed onto my husbands bare chest and  I let go of the entire world, while letting him save me. God, I miss him.

After letting it all out, and him making my world right again, we ordered some food and drinks, and got a little tipsy….and I know this is TMI, but we had THEE best sex of the five years we’ve been together. I don’t know what it was, but it was like we were in college again.

I am sure I am not the only one to do this, but since I am still a TTC-nut-bag, I carry OPK’s when I start to notice EWCM. Well, that next afternoon I decided to pee on a stick (just to keep tabs where I am during my cycle), and sure as shit, the darkest OPK I have yet to see. win. We had the best sex of our lives, We are going to do it again in 12 hours (which we did) and I am going to conceive (which I didn’t)

I don’t understand. The last couple of months, I have seen dark positive OPKS when the husband was home visiting, we DTD….and still nothing. How is this possible?

My friends  and SIL are all having their baby’s this month. I am back to being my bitter- crotchety self. I don’t give a shit about their babys, or their strollers, or the color of their nursery’s. I am angry because I was made to be a mother, and I can’t, and I don’t know why. 

I’m just angry tonight, and that is why this post isn’t well written and scattered all over the place.

I am angry because I miss my husband. I am angry because our society rewards the irresponsible. I am angry because I had to kill my dog, because some degenerate decided he’d make his living fighting them. I am pissed because I can’t get a positive pregnancy test like my 100,000 friends can. I feel like I am in the movie 300, and I am being slaughtered by life. I can’t get ahead, I am exhausted and I am tried of not catching a fucking break.

Till then,

Mrs. M

PS- because I have cramps and I am feeling ultra-cuntish tonight…. I would like to say, If you are on this network blogging about infertility for months, if not years, and then you have the miracle of becoming pregnant….you are a selfish tramp if you decide to start blogging about your aches/pains/uncomfortable symptoms you are experiencing during your first couple months of being pregnant. I just want to reach through the screen and bitch slap them in the face with my Dell. How soon we forget the aches and pains of having a broken heart each month, eh?…. If it were me, I would take the growing fetus pains and shut the hell up.

PSS- I will try and be nicer next post.

6 thoughts on “Waiting for a break

  1. I was just wondering how you are doing since I hadn’t seen a post from you in awhile. Sounds like things are really hard for you right now. 😦 Please know that you WILL get this infertility thing figured out. You WILL have a baby. You can get this problem fixed. Please don’t give up. I’ve been blazing angry many times along the way. It hurts more than anything

  2. I think that if I ever do get a healthy BFP, I’m going to start a new blog to deal with my fears and issues. How much longer do you have until your husband gets home for good?

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