Well, today is baby day. My sister-in-law is in the O.R. awaiting her C-Section as we speak, and the whole family has traveled to see her, and are anxiously gatthered in the hospital lobby awaiting the arrival of the new addition.
I don’t know which is more awful, the fact that I can’t feel happy because the jealousy is so intense, or the fact that I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am all alone in Illinois. My husband got delayed AGAIN, so now we are looking at November when we finally might be able to live together. I have no family, no friends, no children, and now only one dog.
I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself, and feeling angry all the time. I want to be happy.
My husband asked me if I could run to the store and pick them up a congratulatory card, since he doesn’t have the time to do it. I usually do all the birthday/anniversary/sympathy cards, so I don’t think he knew what he was asking, when he asked me kindly to do it. I didn’t tell him – I didn’t fight, I just want to keep these awful feelings to myself.
I went to the store, stood in the aisle with all the baby blue and pink cards….. What the hell am I doing — I am not this brave.
I felt the pain brewing up, but commanded it back down — that is, until I opened the first card, which beautifully explained the miracle of birth, and how much love a baby will bring. One tear, followed by a second one. God Damn it! I want to be happy for her!
I got through 4 cards, before the jealously and pain was consumed by bitterness and anger. How can I hate someone, for doing exactly what I want to do?! I am disgusted with myself.
I need my husband here. I want to cry in his arms — but no, because my husband lives two states away, I have to wait until after work, to call him an unleash the damn of tears I’ve been holding back at work all day. I get to cry into a cold t-mobile phone, wishing I could be touched and assured that it will be okay.
This should be a happy day… It shouldn’t be this hard to pen out well wishes on a card!