I need you

Well, today is baby day. My sister-in-law is in the O.R. awaiting her C-Section as we speak, and the whole family has traveled to see her, and are anxiously gatthered in the hospital lobby awaiting the arrival of the new addition.

I don’t know which is more awful, the fact that I can’t feel happy because the jealousy is so intense, or the fact that I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I am all alone in Illinois. My husband got delayed AGAIN, so now we are looking at November when we finally might be able to live together. I have no family, no friends, no children, and now only one dog.

I am so tired of feeling sorry for myself, and feeling angry all the time. I want to be happy.

My husband asked me if I could run to the store and pick them up a congratulatory card, since he doesn’t have the time to do it. I usually do all the birthday/anniversary/sympathy cards, so I don’t think he knew what he was asking, when he asked me kindly to do it. I didn’t tell him – I didn’t fight, I just want to keep these awful feelings to myself.

I went to the store, stood in the aisle with all the baby blue and pink cards….. What the hell am I doing — I am not this brave.
I felt the pain brewing up, but commanded it back down — that is, until I opened the first card, which beautifully explained the miracle of birth, and how much love a baby will bring. One tear, followed by a second one. God Damn it! I want to be happy for her!

I got through 4 cards, before the jealously and pain was consumed by bitterness and anger. How can I hate someone, for doing exactly what I want to do?! I am disgusted with myself.
I need my husband here. I want to cry in his arms — but no, because my husband lives two states away, I have to wait until after work, to call him an unleash the damn of tears I’ve been holding back at work all day. I get to cry into a cold t-mobile phone, wishing I could be touched and assured that it will be okay.

This should be a happy day… It shouldn’t be this hard to pen out well wishes on a card!

Till then,
Mrs. M

11 thoughts on “I need you

    • I mean… am I blowing this way out of propotion?! Am I being unreasonable? do I just need to slap byself and man up and deal with it? This is life right? We win some and loose some — I just happen to win at a happy and healthy *knock on wood* marriage, and I loose at being able to expand the family…*sigh*

  1. Hugs!!! I’ve been there. I too sat and waited while my sister in law gave birth. My hubs was at work so I had no one to lean on that day. It would have been much worse had he been 2 states away!!! I cried a lot after leaving. It was right after my laparoscopy, my hubs surgery and 2 iuis had failed. I di

  2. Oops! Stupid phone…. anyway. I don’t think you are doing anything wrong for being sad or angry. That’s how I’ve felt every time someone has had a baby in the last 5 years. Let it out. We are here for you.

  3. I totally understand how you feel about wanting to be happy but not being happy. It’s hard for us…simple as that. It is an amazing thing for a baby to be born and we all know what a true miracle it is…since we have been waiting so long for it to happen to us. I had very similar feelings when my cousin, who was not married by the way, got pregnant and gave birth to a son. He is five years old today and it still hurts every time I hear my mom talk about him since of course she has no grand kids of her own. I just keep believing that there is a reason or a plan that God has for my life and the baby is just not part of it yet. So I keep praying and believing that one day it will be my turn (our turn) and that this is just not our time yet. Try not to let the jealous and the anger consume you, because believe me it can. You have to stay positive for your own sanity and focus on all the changes and things you have done in your life that are good for you and the health of the baby to come (running, weight loss, gluten-free diet, the more regular periods, etc). I will pray for strength and peace for you as you go through this…and you are never alone.

    • Thank you so much for your kind words! It’s true, it will be our turn someday, and I even have to go to my own posts when I was feeling strong and positive (Remember the Not Broken post?)– The baby has been here for 30 hours, I have recieved 15 pictures on my phone, and heard he complain 5 times about how awful/ear piercing the babys cry it, and how annoying it will be at night….What I would do to hear that kind of annoying!

  4. All those thoughts are totally normal and I share them. My husband also works away so believe me there have been many a melt down over our infertility in his absence. People sending thank you cards with big photos of their babies, relatives bragging about their offspring, with no idea of the pain they cause. We’re here for you sister. One thing I would say, you can decide to be happy and positive in your own life despite all the painful reminders going on around you. Instead of focusing on others, turn your energy towards things/people / activities that make YOU happy. Hugs.

  5. I can’t bring myself to even buy cards for for my friends. It’s just too much. I don’t really care if anyone thinks I’m a horrible person – they have never walked in my shoes. I know that if the tables were turned and THEY were the ones grieving, I wouldn’t expect them to get ME a card. However, I’ve noticed that people aren’t as understanding with “just” infertility. They can understand the loss of a child or a pregnancy, but infertility is just foreign to them.

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