Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems

Month after month I was physically and mentally distraught. My mood was determined on what day of the cycle I was in and what kind of symptom it should be correlating with, for the last three years. For three years I fought with my husband, had scheduled sex, and mental breakdowns. I hated pregnant people, which included, strangers, family and friends. I was pissed off at single moms, and people standing in the welfare line with their cigarettes out of the mouths, pregnant as ever, waiting for their state check. I was financially and physically ready. I was in a healthy, stable and loving relationship. Why not me? why not us? 

My husband has been gone for 7 months. 7 months of an empty house and too much time to think. 7 months to relax and dig deep into myself. The purpose of life, and my true feelings behind all this. Was I really that angry? Did I really hate not being pregnant that much? Or was it because I felt like a societal failure since apparently every single one of my friends was able to get pregnant and birth healthy children. When I say every one, I mean every single one. My facebook use to be filled with fun posts, and engagement announcements, and now every profile picture I see is a 3 month old baby with spaghetti on it’s face. I thought I’d be jealous. I thought it’d be painful…. but not a single zing of jealousy goes through me when I see that. Quite the contrary actually. My friends post things like “Calling all mommy friends, what kind of diapers don’t cause rashes” or “all my friends in the mommy club, what do you do….”. Part of me wants to slap the shit out of them.

I see my friends on baby duty, and I think ‘have fun with that -it’s date night with my husband tonight!’. We go away spontaneously on the weekends. Some trips are ridiculously romantic and expensive, others are just fun and thought provoking. We are really enjoying this life. We are going to Central American next month, and Europe in 6 months. We wake up on Saturday mornings whenever the hell we want, make some coffee, and go exploring somewhere in Chicago. I have seen my friends who have had 2 to three children now divorced because the stress and monotony was too much. I see them cheer when their ex gets to take the kids for the weekend, because they “get their freedom back”.

I’m not bitter or jaded. I’m actually very much at peace right now, because I can actually say, I love my life. I love my husband and I love marriage. I am thankful that I found someone I am so in love with, who get’s me, who gets this life, rather than settling and having kids, because it’s the thing to do, that I see all to many of my friends do. 

‘But a childless life will be so empty’. It wont be, in fact the world NEEDS more people who are willing to work on saving this over populated dump we’re inhabiting. Mother Teresa didn’t have children, and made a huge impact in the lives of so many. Our society has turned into a violent place, where people are punished more severely for smoking natural weed than they are for running an underground dog-fighting ring. Really, the NFL should be ashamed for bringing such a piece of shit as Micheal Vick is, and paying him millions of dollars. Our welfare lines are getting longer, our world is getting more polluted, and the streets are getting more violent.

I am okay with not bring any more children into this world. I am okay with devoting my whole life into salvaging what we can with this planet. I am okay, more than okay, Hell, I’d be honored to spend my life dedicating myself to animal welfare, and ethical treatment…..not only for the sake of the animals, but I think those that cause animal cruelty have mental issues that pose a serious hazard to our society. Of the men who have domestically attacked their significant others, 93% of them had abused the family pet prior to attacking their spouse. 

I am lucky enough for my husband to be in aggreeance. He too feels that we will more than survive a life of infertility. We are a couple that can, and does, make the best out of everything, and we would be rockstars with the D.I.N.K lifestyle.  If down the road we decided we do want more than a house full of rescued dogs, that we will adopt,… because why force something that isn’t happening on it’s own, when a child out there is in an orphanage, crying his/her eyes out, hoping that a kind hearted couple, who loves to travel, would come take them away, and show them a world they had only read about in Jules Vern books. 

There is no shame in infertility. It’s a ‘blessing’ that is bestowed up those who are strong enough to not only deal with it and not grow cold, but who can forge past the pain and choose to open their hearts  to the many children/animals/organizations out there that need people like us. 

My husband and I are 99% sure, that when he comes back next month, we will no longer be seeking medical assistance. We have agreed that we were clearly destined for other things, and other things it shall be! 

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A tale of two lines

So  I promised…. I swore, I wouldn’t take a pregnancy test, but as soon as I walked down the .88 Cent aisle at Walmart that was filled with HPT’s I figured, “what the hell…I’ll buy 4!”

So the last three days I have been taking them in the morning before work. I shower, get dressed, and before I run out the door – nadda. Stark white….. But when I get HOME there are definitely two lines there…shadows may they be, but there are two…..

I walk in the bathroom after work, close the lid, sit down and have to ponder…are these two lines evap lines, or early faint +’s? I have many tests before the last three days, and have not had any that resulted with evap lines, even days after. The  lines I hold in my hands are visible from when you walk into the room and just look at the HPT on the counter….no taking it apart, no bending it in the light. 

I came home today, and it was still so faint, but yet there. I was on the phone with my hubby and said “Fuck!” and when asked why the sudden outburst, all I could tell him was “The pregnancy test I took this morning has two lines….God damn it.” 

Wait….shouldn’t this be a good thing? Shouldn’t I be jumping up and down with joy? crying and telling my entire family that we did it?!  Shouldn’t I be piecing together some cute sign to show him via skype?

No. because I know that this will past….I’m more worried about it “passing” during my first 5K tomorrow. I’ve been through this before. The cramps come and go, and get stronger and stronger each time they come…maybe a couple hours apart? The tests still waive between faint positive and stark white negative. They never get dark, and they are never fast appearing. 

I have accepted this. I know it’s my progesterone. My progesterone the last time I had it checked was 8 and that was ON chlomid, which had  made it double from the level 4 before I took it. I can get pregnant, but I sure as hell stay pregnant. It has to be the low progesterone right? 

I can’t wait for the hubby to get back in November/December so we can go see someone again. Remember right before he left, I said he was only going to be gone for a 3-4 month project and it will be a nice break from TTC? Well ladies, it has turned into a 9-10 month project, with a possible 3 extra month extension on top of that! GRRRR!

This will get better right? I want to focus all my energy into running….. and if I can’t have kids, and least I don’t want my running to be affected…. to miscarry a VERY early chemical on the day of your first race would just be a hard, cold, bitch slap in the face from all the powers that Be. 

Low progesterone could be the culprit right? or is my husband and I’s DNA just THAT incompatible?

Till then, 

Mrs. M 

Trying to Conceive for beginners

All too often I catch myself thinking, “If only I knew then, what I know now…”….. “I would have started earlier” “I would have been more conscious about my cycles” “I would have started eating better and been in better shape”, “I would have seen a doctor sooner”…..But don’t we all?

Then I got to thinking of the past 3 years of TTC and all the emotions….and thought, what if I could give advise for those starting off ttc…..maybe I could lessen the blow of each failing month?

If I could reach out to those who are new to trying to conceive, I would give them these 5 rules of wisdom.

1. Under no circumstance are you to listen to the physical and emotional changes your body endures during the two week wait. Your body is a lieing bitch and will make you think you are pregnant every time….take it from me, I’ve been “pregnant” 36 times in the last 36 months I have been TTC…even on the month we did not have sex!

You body will bloat, your boobs will hurt, your nipples will tingle. You will cry more easily at commercials and you will be slightly more unstable. You will feel more tired and you will wake up with hot flashes….. you are still probably not pregnant…you body just likes watching you obsess month after month. I promise you, each month “will be different”, and yet it will be exactly the same.

2. Charting is not a sure thing. OPKs are great to be able to narrow it down to those two beautiful days each month, so you don’t have to exhaust yourself with endless every-other-day sex all month long…. while it may have been fun in college – baby making sex is not the same. You will see a rise and a dip in temperature. Your cervical mucus will change, and you will think you nailed it (literally)…..but each month your uterus will discard your egg  like off-brand caviar. Yes, she is a bitch, and she is ruthless ladies, but we have to deal with her, because she will be the landlord of your one-day fetus.

3. You husband will not understand. Though he may enjoy seeing your boobs every night when you ask, “Do they look bigger? feel them…I swear they are heavier this month”, he will just give you the answer you want to hear. He has no idea. He doesn’t understand what you are going through- and it’s not his fault, he doesn’t have the uterus-clock. Don’t be too upset with him. My house has been the place of one to many battle fields the last 36 months, and if you can’t have children, at least don’t push away the one thing that loves you more than anything, and is willing to deal with the stealing of the covers, and the crazed sudden dietary changes, and the crazy old-wives tales shit that will will do — anything to raise our chances right?

4. It is not your fault. Do not hate yourself. If it doesn’t happen, seek help, but do not despise yourself. You are a beautiful women who has so much to offer this world in addition to a child. A child will just be a bonus. You want to become a mother because you have a beautiful heart, and want to share your love with an addition a life. You are not broken. If the time comes with trying to conceive becomes to much, take a break and take on a new hobby. Volunteer. Do anything, but for God-sakes, do not sulk (although you are allowed to cry!) and do not hate your best friend because she was able to get pregnant without having to feel the struggle you are going through. You are allowed to hate bad moms & teen-moms in the grocery store, though.

5.  And finally, do not compare yourself to others. Do not visit the twoweekwait.com and see what kind of symptoms people had on 4DPO…it will only lead to the breaking of rule number 1, and you really will loose your shit at the end of the TWW when you are crying in the bathroom with a BFN screaming “I swear, I had all the right symptoms!”. Do not think that just because Clomid 50mg worked the first month for your cousin, means it will work for you (I took it for 4 months), If you get pregnant enjoy it without fear — if you miscarry, grieve as you need to, whether it was at 5 weeks or 20 weeks, it was your cluster of cells, your baby you lost, and no form, blog or neighbor will be able to give back what was taken from you, so cry when you need to. Enjoy the good times, and cry during the bad times. Although we are all going through the same frustrating, tiring and emotionally draining journey, each one of us is different, with different reasons, history, backgrounds and families. So don’t compare.

Trying to conceive isn’t easy. It’s not like the 8th grade when they told us the ONE time we have unprotected sex we will have an 18 year commitment and your life will be ruined. It’s hard. You will hate people, and cry and wonder ‘why you’. Your faith will be tested. But be kind to yourself and the other sisters that are going through this. Celebrate with them on their good days, as hard as it may be for you, and cry with them on their bad days, because  during this time, we really do need each other.

And that, is what I wish I knew then.

Till then,

Mrs. M