All too often I catch myself thinking, “If only I knew then, what I know now…”….. “I would have started earlier” “I would have been more conscious about my cycles” “I would have started eating better and been in better shape”, “I would have seen a doctor sooner”…..But don’t we all?
Then I got to thinking of the past 3 years of TTC and all the emotions….and thought, what if I could give advise for those starting off ttc…..maybe I could lessen the blow of each failing month?
If I could reach out to those who are new to trying to conceive, I would give them these 5 rules of wisdom.
1. Under no circumstance are you to listen to the physical and emotional changes your body endures during the two week wait. Your body is a lieing bitch and will make you think you are pregnant every time….take it from me, I’ve been “pregnant” 36 times in the last 36 months I have been TTC…even on the month we did not have sex!
You body will bloat, your boobs will hurt, your nipples will tingle. You will cry more easily at commercials and you will be slightly more unstable. You will feel more tired and you will wake up with hot flashes….. you are still probably not pregnant…you body just likes watching you obsess month after month. I promise you, each month “will be different”, and yet it will be exactly the same.
2. Charting is not a sure thing. OPKs are great to be able to narrow it down to those two beautiful days each month, so you don’t have to exhaust yourself with endless every-other-day sex all month long…. while it may have been fun in college – baby making sex is not the same. You will see a rise and a dip in temperature. Your cervical mucus will change, and you will think you nailed it (literally)…..but each month your uterus will discard your egg like off-brand caviar. Yes, she is a bitch, and she is ruthless ladies, but we have to deal with her, because she will be the landlord of your one-day fetus.
3. You husband will not understand. Though he may enjoy seeing your boobs every night when you ask, “Do they look bigger? feel them…I swear they are heavier this month”, he will just give you the answer you want to hear. He has no idea. He doesn’t understand what you are going through- and it’s not his fault, he doesn’t have the uterus-clock. Don’t be too upset with him. My house has been the place of one to many battle fields the last 36 months, and if you can’t have children, at least don’t push away the one thing that loves you more than anything, and is willing to deal with the stealing of the covers, and the crazed sudden dietary changes, and the crazy old-wives tales shit that will will do — anything to raise our chances right?
4. It is not your fault. Do not hate yourself. If it doesn’t happen, seek help, but do not despise yourself. You are a beautiful women who has so much to offer this world in addition to a child. A child will just be a bonus. You want to become a mother because you have a beautiful heart, and want to share your love with an addition a life. You are not broken. If the time comes with trying to conceive becomes to much, take a break and take on a new hobby. Volunteer. Do anything, but for God-sakes, do not sulk (although you are allowed to cry!) and do not hate your best friend because she was able to get pregnant without having to feel the struggle you are going through. You are allowed to hate bad moms & teen-moms in the grocery store, though.
5. And finally, do not compare yourself to others. Do not visit the twoweekwait.com and see what kind of symptoms people had on 4DPO…it will only lead to the breaking of rule number 1, and you really will loose your shit at the end of the TWW when you are crying in the bathroom with a BFN screaming “I swear, I had all the right symptoms!”. Do not think that just because Clomid 50mg worked the first month for your cousin, means it will work for you (I took it for 4 months), If you get pregnant enjoy it without fear — if you miscarry, grieve as you need to, whether it was at 5 weeks or 20 weeks, it was your cluster of cells, your baby you lost, and no form, blog or neighbor will be able to give back what was taken from you, so cry when you need to. Enjoy the good times, and cry during the bad times. Although we are all going through the same frustrating, tiring and emotionally draining journey, each one of us is different, with different reasons, history, backgrounds and families. So don’t compare.
Trying to conceive isn’t easy. It’s not like the 8th grade when they told us the ONE time we have unprotected sex we will have an 18 year commitment and your life will be ruined. It’s hard. You will hate people, and cry and wonder ‘why you’. Your faith will be tested. But be kind to yourself and the other sisters that are going through this. Celebrate with them on their good days, as hard as it may be for you, and cry with them on their bad days, because during this time, we really do need each other.
And that, is what I wish I knew then.