Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems

Month after month I was physically and mentally distraught. My mood was determined on what day of the cycle I was in and what kind of symptom it should be correlating with, for the last three years. For three years I fought with my husband, had scheduled sex, and mental breakdowns. I hated pregnant people, which included, strangers, family and friends. I was pissed off at single moms, and people standing in the welfare line with their cigarettes out of the mouths, pregnant as ever, waiting for their state check. I was financially and physically ready. I was in a healthy, stable and loving relationship. Why not me? why not us? 

My husband has been gone for 7 months. 7 months of an empty house and too much time to think. 7 months to relax and dig deep into myself. The purpose of life, and my true feelings behind all this. Was I really that angry? Did I really hate not being pregnant that much? Or was it because I felt like a societal failure since apparently every single one of my friends was able to get pregnant and birth healthy children. When I say every one, I mean every single one. My facebook use to be filled with fun posts, and engagement announcements, and now every profile picture I see is a 3 month old baby with spaghetti on it’s face. I thought I’d be jealous. I thought it’d be painful…. but not a single zing of jealousy goes through me when I see that. Quite the contrary actually. My friends post things like “Calling all mommy friends, what kind of diapers don’t cause rashes” or “all my friends in the mommy club, what do you do….”. Part of me wants to slap the shit out of them.

I see my friends on baby duty, and I think ‘have fun with that -it’s date night with my husband tonight!’. We go away spontaneously on the weekends. Some trips are ridiculously romantic and expensive, others are just fun and thought provoking. We are really enjoying this life. We are going to Central American next month, and Europe in 6 months. We wake up on Saturday mornings whenever the hell we want, make some coffee, and go exploring somewhere in Chicago. I have seen my friends who have had 2 to three children now divorced because the stress and monotony was too much. I see them cheer when their ex gets to take the kids for the weekend, because they “get their freedom back”.

I’m not bitter or jaded. I’m actually very much at peace right now, because I can actually say, I love my life. I love my husband and I love marriage. I am thankful that I found someone I am so in love with, who get’s me, who gets this life, rather than settling and having kids, because it’s the thing to do, that I see all to many of my friends do. 

‘But a childless life will be so empty’. It wont be, in fact the world NEEDS more people who are willing to work on saving this over populated dump we’re inhabiting. Mother Teresa didn’t have children, and made a huge impact in the lives of so many. Our society has turned into a violent place, where people are punished more severely for smoking natural weed than they are for running an underground dog-fighting ring. Really, the NFL should be ashamed for bringing such a piece of shit as Micheal Vick is, and paying him millions of dollars. Our welfare lines are getting longer, our world is getting more polluted, and the streets are getting more violent.

I am okay with not bring any more children into this world. I am okay with devoting my whole life into salvaging what we can with this planet. I am okay, more than okay, Hell, I’d be honored to spend my life dedicating myself to animal welfare, and ethical treatment…..not only for the sake of the animals, but I think those that cause animal cruelty have mental issues that pose a serious hazard to our society. Of the men who have domestically attacked their significant others, 93% of them had abused the family pet prior to attacking their spouse. 

I am lucky enough for my husband to be in aggreeance. He too feels that we will more than survive a life of infertility. We are a couple that can, and does, make the best out of everything, and we would be rockstars with the D.I.N.K lifestyle.  If down the road we decided we do want more than a house full of rescued dogs, that we will adopt,… because why force something that isn’t happening on it’s own, when a child out there is in an orphanage, crying his/her eyes out, hoping that a kind hearted couple, who loves to travel, would come take them away, and show them a world they had only read about in Jules Vern books. 

There is no shame in infertility. It’s a ‘blessing’ that is bestowed up those who are strong enough to not only deal with it and not grow cold, but who can forge past the pain and choose to open their hearts  to the many children/animals/organizations out there that need people like us. 

My husband and I are 99% sure, that when he comes back next month, we will no longer be seeking medical assistance. We have agreed that we were clearly destined for other things, and other things it shall be! 

One thought on “Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems

  1. I haven’t been on as much lately with DH still in rehab, but I just wanted to say that you expressed way more eloquently that I ever could have.

    DH and I are seeing a counselor (more for me than for him), and she is addressing issues that I didn’t even realize that I had, namely identity issues (stemming from infertility and childfree) and projecting (stemming from TFMR).

    I feel the same about animal welfare – and we have looked into BB/BS before, but I think I may go ahead and check them out again. Adoption is not an option for us – I feel that we have too many strikes against us. DH isn’t a citizen, we aren’t Christian, and he just got diagnosed with GBS. We are both wary of adoption to begin with – I’ve had friends who have horror stories about adoptions, and DH really wanted a biological child.

    So, we have our list. Mine focuses on the house, the garden, and traveling, and his seems to focus on the house and building sim pits for video games.

    I think the hardest part for me will be getting back on birth control. I don’t think I can handle the NTNP approach, since I don’t want any endometriosis to come back and I’d need to be on high dosage folic acid to prevent another NTD if I did miraculously get pregnant.

    So, we are going to take a year or two off, and maybe examine IVF (with PGD), but I am preparing for a future full of sleeping in and rescue pets. I’m ok with that. For today, in any case. 🙂

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