It’s not baby fever

Okay, so my last post was a bit on the ornery side. But I am really upset about this whole subject. Why does it feel like society is the main reason for wanting to have children. I don’t want kids because I think it will ‘complete’ my marriage. I have a kick-ass marriage, and kind of want it to stay the same.  I don’t need it to fill a ‘void’ in my life, I don’t feel like ‘something is missing’. hell I have TOO much going on in my life right now, that I can’t imagine adding more.  I love my current life.

The only reason I want to have my own child, is so I am not looked down on, or ‘felt sorry for’. My life is very fulfilling right now. I love doing volunteer work on the side, and working with animals. I love taking care of my husband, going on date nights, and being with each other. We’ve thought about doing big brother big sister as something to do for fun, to help out our area children, which would give us an outlet to show love, but still keep our freedom.

I don’t have ‘baby fever’, I have societal-pressure!

I was looking at forums today, and I came across one, The DINK Life, where you can meet up with other couples that are living the child-free life (either by choice or not). They have gatherings, meet ups, party’s and some even go on vacations together. It’s very attractive, especially after I see updates on friends and bloggers pages after they have children. I do encourage all my fellow bloggers who are still child-free to check it out. It might help take the pain of each month, and help realize that our lives wont be worthless and empty. The truth is, is that I just wanted to be pregnant. I never actually wanted to have kids. I wanted to feel my body change and to see something that my husband and I “made”.

My husband thought maybe we should seek a counselor about this, to help us solidify our decision. The only thing nagging at us, is, ‘will we regret this after it’s too late?”. Will I be 60 and wish I had created a child in a petry-dish 35 years prior? We are scared because we don’t think we aren’t financially ready– our concerns aren’t that we aren’t in a loving stable relationship …. our concerns is that we wont be able to care for a child with special needs. Or that we will choose to go the medical route, and find month after month of failure, and watch our marriage disintegrate. The guilt of seeking medical treatment, spending thousands of dollars forcing my body to do something it clearly is not doing naturally, instead of seeking out a child who want’s a home. The world is already overly populated, why not love whole hearteldy, someone who just needs another chance.

Again, damn society. Will I adopt an Asian baby in a couple of years, and have people think “poor thing, she couldn’t have her own”. Or maybe I just chose to lay it at rest. To know that my marriage wasn’t worth a lab-created child, when there are plenty of ones that need love already.

Could be a good book?

We are weighing the options, and it is difficult. Should we try for ‘just one’ and adopt the others? Should we just stick to adoption when we are ready years down the road — okay, so maybe not ‘ready’ because I’ve heard that you’ll never be ready — so how about years down the road when we want kids, When we choose to forgo our coffee mornings and romantic weekend getaways for band practice and volleyball…. and yet, if in 6 years we start the adoption process and adopt a 3 year old when I’m 33, then I will be the same age as the rest of the parents who will be in my kids class.

“Being a parent isn’t about bearing a child…. It was about bearing witness to its life.”


5 thoughts on “It’s not baby fever

  1. I am commenting with all the love and respect in the world, because I think everyone gets to form their family however they choose and are able – none is better than another (except when they aren’t considering the children’s interests). I don’t think anyone will ever pity you if you adopt. My partner and I have decided to pursue adoption through foster despite the fact that we believe ourselves to be totally fertile. It is likely going to be more expensive, more intrusive, more challenging, and take longer than gestating our own baby, but it feels right to us! If you eventually decide you want to parent, don’t rule adoption out because you fear pity or shame. Some of us envy those who are able to adopt instead of those who are able to birth!

    • Thank you! I really appreciate the comment 🙂 Adopt does feel good, and it’s more attractive because I’m not ‘racing’ against a biological clock. My husband and I can take our time, and when/if the time comes, adopting a child might be even more fulfilling, because that child was sought after and choosen to be the heart of our affection. It does feel better, I dont know why I feel like there is a stigma attached to it 😦

      I watched Youtube videos of children meeting their new parents on adoption day…. my God, I went through an ENTIRE box of kleenex! Watching those childrens faces light up, hands down was even more beautiful that seeing my first set of two pink lines.

  2. Those are all very important questions to think about. It’s hard enough coming to a decision and being happy with that decision; it’s even harder when you feel like everyone around you is judging and making assumptions. Bottom line: no one else matters except you and your husband when it comes to how you build your family or whether or not you consider your family complete without kids. Whatever anyone else thinks is THEIR problem, not yours.

  3. I think that if u don’t feel passionately that ur life will b over if u don’t have a baby, then the high pressure fertility treatments like ivf would b really super hard and annoying for u. i agree with u on adopting at some point if u decide to grow ur family and i don’t think anyone would pity u. make it clear that u are adopting because u want to help a child and u feel this is a better road for u and ur hubs. I wish u all the luck in the world whatever u decide. its such a tough call to make but it sounds like u r really content in ur life and that’s awesome! few ppl can really say that.

  4. everything you wrote, is so true. and you could also say that childfree couples, pity people with kids. I won’t lie a friend of mine who is happily married, just booked a trip to Tahiti/bora bora, and are always at the newest restaurant in the city. Now I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything, but I can’t deny the pang I feel sometimes as I watch them travel freely not worrying about nap time/bed time, and having the ability to go out to dinner and just sit and enjoy each others company, instead of containing your 20mo from throwing food/fork and your 3yr old not spilling her milk all over.
    enjoy the now and in time you will get a clear sign of what is meant for your family.

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