2014 — The year of Acceptance

Another year down ladies. Another midnight kiss followed by a very tall glass of champagne, because, as like the previous years,  we don’t get to share the pregnancy-restrictions as our luckily sisters do. The bitterness, the anger, the sleepless nights, the Chlomid and progesterone pills. 2013 was a year of loosing hope. Loosing the idea of family. Loosing what I thought was ‘next’. We got married, we got the house and the dog, and then hit a road block — well not really a road block, you can get around those – this was more of a sink hole that washed out the road- never to be crossed again.

Just as with any kind of grief, infertility is no different, we still experience the 5 stages, whether we realize it or not.

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance.

At first I thought we weren’t getting pregnant because we just weren’t ‘timing it right’. Then I started counting and temping– after months I started getting pissed. Full of anger at friends posts who were sharing their happy news, of how they got it the “first time around”. What was wrong with me?. I went to the Dr. we talked, and I started pleading to anyone. I’m not religious but I said I would be if these first couple rounds of Chlomid would work.  I said I would raise my children in the church, if I could get pregnant by Christmas. I would be a better person if……

We are rounding year 4 of infertility. Exhausting, frustrating and depressing year four. I wasn’t worried about taking the infertility medication,  temping, or symptom spotting during the two-week wait, because there was no long any use. We weren’t going to get pregnant. I would see children and be sad because I would never know what it would be like to carry a human being in my belly for 9 whole months — to feel the flutters and acid-reflux an ‘active baby’ gives. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to pick out toys and wrap them before Christmas, and see my children eyes big and bright when they opened presents from Santa.

I am no longer mad, but more at a feeling of loss — how do you relearn what you thought was “next“. What happens when the “next” doesn’t happen. We stand here blinking at each other, in our happy marriage,  with our dog, our dual incomes and a three bedroom house in a good school zone. I drive an SUV because two years ago, we thought it would be the perfect vehicle for “the dogs and kids”. Infertility isn’t just about not being able to get pregnant. We have to relearn what adulthood is going to be like without children. To buy things without first question if it’s a good “family choice”. We have to learn what a couple does with just a dog. What does a couple do when their family ends at two?

In a couple days, we will be ringing in 2014 — for us, it will be the year of acceptance. I will learn to accept what is. I will not be full of anger, I will not barter, I will no longer be depressed. This is my life — my one and only life. I cannot/will not spend anymore time with the things I cannot change.

I am going to accept that my dog loves being the only “child” — I’m going to accept that we will always dine at a table for “two”, and our Saturdays will be sleeping in and coffee dates on the front porch.  I will relearn what it is to be a childless couple in today society.

I will accept the things I cannot change.

Happy 2014 

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‘It would take more than a lifetime to see everything — it’s best we start early’

I had to share this blog with you. I was on the DINK website today, and I really do encourage my friends struggling with infertility to check it out. I think it is a fantastic way of enjoying life, after we got dealt the shitty cards of infertility.

We didn’t choose the DINK life, but rather it chose us, so we are going to ride the wave of change and enjoy every wake!

Check out these blogs from childless couples (who may or may not have chosen to have kids — infertility affects more of us than we realize — so find these couples as an inspiration on how we can live our lives going forward)

http://roundwego.com/ (this is such a beautiful blog of a couple who travel all round the world, volunteer and take pictures)

http://www.dinklife.com/topic/travel/10-best-couple-travel-bloggers

Cheers!

The month after

This month was a month like none-other. I know we’ve been up in the air about fertility treatment, but we decided to say “what the hell” and take the Chlomid for another round — we had nothing to loose right? I didn’t even think anything much of it, in fact, I was so opposite of the obsessive TTC wife that I had become, it made me really wonder if it is what I want. This month, I had to set a reminder on my phone to remember to take the Clomid, since the first night I completely forgot. I took 5 days at 150 mg. No side affects and I didn’t pay any mind to the lack of them. We had fantastic sex like we have been having since he came home (I know, I probably could have left that out, lol). I noticed EWCM, so I took out my OPK, and sure enough on Thanksgiving it was “make sure we sleep together tonight”. and of course we did 🙂 

A week later I went in for my progesterone test, and it was 24!!!! The months before I was only at a 5. Great news! My Dr was excited for me, and again, I didn’t pay much mind, but glad that I did, indeed, ovulate.  I didn’t POAS early, I didn’t obsess over my boobs. Nadda. It’s the holidays and I was going to enjoy them, damn it!! 

Today I woke up and started my period. I didn’t even have a single pain of sadness, jealously or remorse. It is what it is, and there isn’t much I can do about it. I didn’t cry and I didn’t hope that it was just spotting. I wasn’t in some sort of denial trying to convince myself that you can still be pregnant and have your period, like I had months prior.  

I yelled down the hall to my husband, ” I started my period!” and he was on the same page as I was. 

We made some fantastic coffee while we nursed our hangovers from the wicked awesome company party we had the night before. We sat on the couch and looked for a fun restaurants to try out in Chicago tonight, and then I looked and him and said “We’ll be okay without kids …right?”

Let’s face it, we have to talk about it. I ovulated on the right day, we had sex at the right time, my numbers were good and it didn’t happen. It’s clearly not meant to be.

So what does my husband reply to that statement? “Fuck ya it will! We are going to have a kick ass life, like we have right now…. we will be able to travel and do fun things for ourselves, sleep in on the weekends and never have to stress about children being sick or injured, stolen or have behavioral problems. It’s just us babes, and we will rock this”. 

I love my husband. I truly have such a wonderful caring, selfless husband. We might do another round of clomid for “shits and giggles” but when it runs out in two months, I think we are going to call her good.

I have started following DINK (double income no kids) blogs, and let me tell you ladies who aren’t pregnant yet — it looks like a whole lot of fun!! I need to start submerging myself with that lifestyle rather than constantly try and keep up with those I biologically can’t keep up with. I feel sometimes a pain of jealously when I see baby announcements, but then when we go out to party’s and our friends can’t stay up or drink because “of the kids”, I feel a pain of remorse for them. 

You can’t have it all right? This life is all what you make of it, and so I’m sharpening my pencil to begin writing the greatest story I can.