Another year down ladies. Another midnight kiss followed by a very tall glass of champagne, because, as like the previous years, we don’t get to share the pregnancy-restrictions as our luckily sisters do. The bitterness, the anger, the sleepless nights, the Chlomid and progesterone pills. 2013 was a year of loosing hope. Loosing the idea of family. Loosing what I thought was ‘next’. We got married, we got the house and the dog, and then hit a road block — well not really a road block, you can get around those – this was more of a sink hole that washed out the road- never to be crossed again.
Just as with any kind of grief, infertility is no different, we still experience the 5 stages, whether we realize it or not.
At first I thought we weren’t getting pregnant because we just weren’t ‘timing it right’. Then I started counting and temping– after months I started getting pissed. Full of anger at friends posts who were sharing their happy news, of how they got it the “first time around”. What was wrong with me?. I went to the Dr. we talked, and I started pleading to anyone. I’m not religious but I said I would be if these first couple rounds of Chlomid would work. I said I would raise my children in the church, if I could get pregnant by Christmas. I would be a better person if……
We are rounding year 4 of infertility. Exhausting, frustrating and depressing year four. I wasn’t worried about taking the infertility medication, temping, or symptom spotting during the two-week wait, because there was no long any use. We weren’t going to get pregnant. I would see children and be sad because I would never know what it would be like to carry a human being in my belly for 9 whole months — to feel the flutters and acid-reflux an ‘active baby’ gives. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to pick out toys and wrap them before Christmas, and see my children eyes big and bright when they opened presents from Santa.
I am no longer mad, but more at a feeling of loss — how do you relearn what you thought was “next“. What happens when the “next” doesn’t happen. We stand here blinking at each other, in our happy marriage, with our dog, our dual incomes and a three bedroom house in a good school zone. I drive an SUV because two years ago, we thought it would be the perfect vehicle for “the dogs and kids”. Infertility isn’t just about not being able to get pregnant. We have to relearn what adulthood is going to be like without children. To buy things without first question if it’s a good “family choice”. We have to learn what a couple does with just a dog. What does a couple do when their family ends at two?
In a couple days, we will be ringing in 2014 — for us, it will be the year of acceptance. I will learn to accept what is. I will not be full of anger, I will not barter, I will no longer be depressed. This is my life — my one and only life. I cannot/will not spend anymore time with the things I cannot change.
I am going to accept that my dog loves being the only “child” — I’m going to accept that we will always dine at a table for “two”, and our Saturdays will be sleeping in and coffee dates on the front porch. I will relearn what it is to be a childless couple in today society.
I will accept the things I cannot change.