Coming out day

It was all getting to much for me. You know that feeling… when you think you’ve made a decision, but there is something tugging so hard at you, that you can’t confidently say, that it was the right choice? Sleepless nights, lots of wine, and the inability to relax.

We haven’t told anyone really that we have infertility issues — his mom guessed, and my best friend knew, because we were both trying at the same time. But other than that,  we haven’t told anyone that we were trying or not trying. We are in a very happy marriage — in fact I can confidently say we are happier then most couples we know, but each day, it seems more and more of our unhappy couples and proudly displaying a “we’re expecting” announcement on their facebooks.  We can’t have it all, and my husband and I know that. We are lucky — we are lucky that we don’t feel like we have to have a child in order for our lives to be of purpose. We are lucky that we are in love and laugh all the time. We are lucky that we have good jobs that allows us to feed our ever increasing wanderlust habits.

We can’t have it all — so what do we sacrifice? We decided to make a list. A pro and con list to having children. I sat down after making fresh coffee with a pen and paper, and turned on Pandora. I wanted this to have my undivided attention. I looked at my husband and said, “Ok….Pros and Cons to having children…. go!” We came up with at least 30 cons in the first 3 minutes…. after seeing how slighted the list had become, I told him we really should start working on pros …. we sat and sat and sat. And then we looked at each other, smiles, and laughed. “I guess that makes our decision?” The decision to decline further infertility treatments. 4 years, 8 rounds of Chlomid, God only knows how many boxes of OPKs, and tons of chinese herbs in my cabinet was enough for me. My husband and I don’t believe in IUI or IVF, so when my Dr. said we should “look into the next steps”, we had to politely decline.

This is it. This will be our happy little family of two (plus a couple of dogs). I am so in love with it all, that I can’t even imagine adding to it now. I don’t know where the infertile girl who thought her life was going to be over if she couldn’t bare children, went to… but I am damn glad she is gone. Life has so much more to offer! Maybe my hand wasn’t a Royal Flush, but I will take this straight flush and rejoice with it. Above all, I am blessed that I have such an incredible husband, who can see the positive in this!

We decided that we were going to come out and tell our friends and family, that after 4 very long and emotional years of dealing with infertility, we are making a stand and saying no more! We recently got our marriage back from the damage infertility’s worst months had caused, and I don’t want to give it up. I want to have sex and not worry about the position, or how long I need to lay there for. I want to be able to have sex standing up or over the couch (lol, tmi!) and not feeling like it was “a waste”. Infertility is so  stressful and mind warping, that I have had enough. I am tapping out.

Our family was actually very accepting and positive about the news we delivered today. Again, we are lucky. His mom wanted to tell me that IUI’s and IVF aren’t a big deal, and trying would mean we could have children, but we told them that is just something we don’t want to pursue. If it doesn’t happen naturally, then it is what it is. Or friends, of coarse, didn’t understand why I would do that to myself — especially since all of them are miserable and working on their 2nd or 3rd. “children bring so much joy!” one exclaimed — and I said “I’m sure they do…but so do a lot of other things… like sleeping in and traveling!”

The world is as you make it.

It was actually incredible, how once we told everyone, the weight of the past 4 years lifted right off our shoulders. My plans now, are  to work on taking the next couple of months, and untraining myself from what infertility taught me. I need to STOP checking my CM every time I pee (and I mean, EVERY TIME!) I’m going to stop feeling the need to lay there with my legs in the air after sex. I’m going to stop eating pineapple core when I think I’m ovulating, and I’m going to move on. It’s going to take a while, but I never thought I’d be able to overcome the dark side of infertility, and here I am.

I’m actually looking forward to this. I always imagined I’d get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mom…now that I wont be having kids(though we aren’t taking means to prevent them) … I have a whole new slate…an unforeseen and unplanned life ahead of me to discover and create….Will we live abroad? Will we own land in another country? Will I go back to school? What will it be…

Lets do this!

Advertisements

every little things gonna be alright

So a couple of months ago, 9 actually to be exact, my best friend told me she had conceived, and was planning a baby. 9 months ago I was crushed. I wasn’t the friend I should have been, because of infedtility jealousy… a vile emotion I wanted to get rid of more than having a baby.

Its hard for us to get those announcments. The last couple of months the hubs and i have been  teaching our selves to learn the new lifestyle we find ourselves in. I get the calla month ago that my bf will be induced.  Withouta single pang of jealousy I booked my flight to texas to give her the support she needs.

She’s been in labor for 4 hours. I’m doing what I can to help her, and I’m loving being here… but seeing the diapers and the baby blankets and the flowers,  it is now that I truly feel that this is not for me. No jealousy, no ill will, just complete understanding that I really was made for other things…and am thankful for I can finally, and honestly move on with my life.

 

Day 3 of Acceptance

I came across this blog, and it really resonated with me, so I HAD to share! So please, for those still trying and for those that are ready to move on, I really do encourage you to read this!

“With increasing trepidation, I realized my body wasn’t operating as advertised. Month after month, my self-esteem eroded. Hopeful at the beginning of each cycle, I’d regress with the bloody reminder of my failure. The primal urge to procreate grew stronger as the months slipped away, driving me to seek out any and all knowledge available – alternating between Eastern and (more expensive) Western medicine in a frenzied attempt to fix what was broken.”

 

“Today, birth announcements or photos of newly pregnant, aging celebrities in the supermarket checkout stand no longer evoke envy or anger. I’ve learned to appreciate my body, my life, and my relationships in a new light. Still there’s awkwardness when meeting people with children for the first time, who routinely inquire if we have any of our own (where to begin?) or when hanging out with friends who chat about the challenges of raising a family. For my part, I tread lightly in our newfound joy and our life lived without the limitations they face so as not to appear indifferent to their struggles and the demands on their time.”

“My husband and I continue to push forward, to shape and define a life outside the beaten path. We challenge each other to uncover new possibilities, to seek new adventures and discoveries that will enrich our understanding of the world and our place in it. That’s what we would have encouraged our children to do.”   Read More on Accepting Childlessness after Infertility