I’m not sorry

Does anyone else get the feeling that they are always apologizing? 

Apologizing for your appearance, or your schedule. Apologizing to friends because your personal life has been a priority? apologizing to your neighbors because you let the weeds in your beds get out of control? Apologizing to the car next to you, because your breaks are obnoxiously loud (Yes… I did this today…. yes, I need to get them fixed)

I find that I apologize far to much, over things I’m not sorry for, as if, it helps people resent me less. It’s not even that I say “I’m sorry” all the time, but I notice, I try and put a negative tone to things, to not make them sound so great. 

For instance, my husband and I went to Europe this past June. It was amazing how little support we got for it (not that we needed support). People at work asked if i was going anywhere during my two weeks off and I would say “Just visiting family”, and it was so much better received  then “Going to Germany to see my dad, and then to the south of France for a weekend for my cousins wedding”. 

People hate happy people. No one remembers that I couldn’t have kids, so rather that sit around and play out the life of 3 children in my head on the weekends, I’m taking my life by the horns and riding it! 

His sister in law is disgusted with us. I booked a secret cruise to the Bahamas over Memorial Day, I didn’t tell the husband about it, until the last minute. you should have seen the excitement on his face. We live apart, so when we get the change to spend 4 solid days of romance and tropical weather — we take it. Why should I feel apologetic for it? His sister in law truly asked “So…what’s the deal with all these trips?” as if i was supposed to have a reason to spend time with my husband. When opportunities come up, we take them….because we don’t have kids, and we have vacation time built up. Reason enough for me!

I’ve had a lot happen in my life. Some great things, and some not so wonderful. I’ve been given a lot of great opportunities, and i know that i am lucky for them. I also know, that i am open minded and flexible, therefore, more ‘opportunities’ come to me. 

My mom died 6 days before Christmas when I was 14 years old. 5 months later my dad was relocated to Germany. He didn’t (nor did we) have much use for Christmas any more, so to avoid the holiday all together, my dad would take us skiing 2 hours south of where we lived. The resort happen to be in the Austrian Alps, so when people learn that I’ve “skied the Alps” their perception of me turns into something far from the truth, and not so flattering. “spoiled” 

I recently told one of the ladies at my office, that I was offered a volunteer position at one of the Chicago Museums — and i was SUPER excited, because i don’t have kids, and i get to work with the scouts and school kids doing science experiments! as soon as I told her, she honestly asked, “Does your family come from money?”. What in the hell is that suppose to even mean?! so i replied, “I’m sorry?” , “Money… does your family come from it? You just sound like you had a very rich childhood”. I responded, “Lynn… we are talking about volunteering on Saturdays….what in the Hell does that have to do with money?”, “well it just sounds to me, that you do all these crazy things, you just got back from Europe, and when you talk, you just seem so cultured and educated”. I’m sorry? should I apologize for coming off  as a well rounded, educated and cultured 28 year old? Should I explain that I was forced to move abroad ( thought it was pretty fuckin’ sweet!) and I’m super nerdy, and that my parents weren’t wealthy, especially after 2 years of Chemotherapy and a funeral?

I’m just tired of being sorry. We told his parents that we were going to plan to go back to Europe in April, and they were less than pleased. They didn’t understand why we needed to go back, a year after we were just there.  Maybe i should have rephrased, “We are going to go visit my dad in April, a year after i saw him last”. Makes a difference right? But why do I need to? Why do i need to explain every choice I make, as if to help lessen the resentment I get form others. 

I’m not apologizing unless I truly mean it. I want to enjoy the time i have with my Family, my husband, my dad, and this life! I’m going to take those lemons life gave me dammit, and I’m going to make the best damn lemonade! 

Here is a list of things I’ve been chastised for, where I felt the need to apologize when really… I wasn’t sorry at all!

I’m not sorry for:

  • Traveling
  • Being in a ridiculously happy marriage
  • Not going through invasive infertility treatments
  • Owning Pit bulls
  • Not wearing makeup
  • missing workouts
  • not being a Christian
  • for loving Science and Archaeology
  • being a “tree-hugger” and recycling
  • trying to be mostly vegetarian, but enjoying the occasional  hamburger with pickles
  • living in Chicago — although I love the country — this is a great city!!!
  • being educated and bilingual 
  • financially conservative and socially liberal
  • my brakes squealing (actually no, they were obnoxiously loud, and I really was sorry for the painful sound!)

I love my life. We all make choices, and i am making a choice to live happily. I’m not just reading an inspirational quote about life, but I’m choosing to live my life like the inspirational quotes I read. I’m not going to apologize for not forcing myself to seek infertility treatments. I’m not going to apologize for booking secret romantic getaways whenever the opportunity (and cheap group-on Deals) arise.  

Why do we feel the need to?

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The weekend of the Baby

This weekend has brought many answers and clarity that I’ve waited for a while to bring. My best friend had some interviews this weekend in my area, and was coming up for the weekend. She brought her baby (who I’ll call JP) along, and needed someone to watch him while she was in the interviews. 

When she told me she was coming up for the weekend – I was SO excited. I was thinking girls weekend in the city. I was thinking wine bars, and Taste’s and live music, and staying up until 2 am catching up. Then the day before she came, she told me she was bring JP along too. I must say, i was a bit disheartened. I was in need of a girls weekend. But that’s okay. I was in the room when JP was being born, I went to see him when he was a month old, now that he is 6 months old, it was nice to see him again! I agreed to watch him during the day — it was the first time I’ve actually played “mom”. I haven’t babysat since I was 10, and I’m never really around children because we move so much. So part of me was a bit excited. My husband though, was nervous that I was going to be a train wreck, and go straight to the bank and take out a loan for IVF after  holding JP all day. To my surprise, it was not so much the case. 

My friend got off the plane a changed women. There was no girly chit-chat. There was no “How have things been?!”. it was business. it was baby. it was sad. 

It seemed as though, since she was the one with the baby, that trumped anything that came out of my mouth. All my ideas were second, because she was a mom, and therefor anything we did must be JP friendly too. The entire ride from the airport to the house was all about JP, and the woes in her life. 

I stayed home from work that day, so she could go to her interviews and I watched JP. Her husband called me and asked if I was getting baby fever yet (kind of cruel to ask, if you ask me), and oddly enough — I wasn’t. That baby was a lot of work, but so are a lot of things, my husband for instance – but I still love him! I had absolutely no feelings of attachment to this child. I even strapped him into one of those baby-wearing shenanigans so I could have both my hands free while I got caught up on e-mails, house chores ect. We even took a nap together (babies are seriously exhausting) and I thought that I might feel that bond — because who wouldn’t with a precious little infant napping on your chest while you drift off? Me. Not a single feeling of joy. What in the hell is wrong with me? He was adorable, and I played with him, I fed him, sang to him, changed him, and at the end of the day, I still felt nothing. I tried making myself believe he was mine for the day, so that I could truly feel what it would be like – and all I felt was tired and more alone than I had ever been. I felt like I missed my husband more, because I gave all this attention to this child. I missed my dogs, since they were in the backyard all day. I missed my quite-coffee-pinterest time — by mostly I missed my husband. 

JP’s mom came home, and we went out to dinner, and I was surprised how unenjoyable it was. she didn’t talk much. She took a LOT of pictures of JP while at dinner, and spent the rest of the night sucked into facebook. What happened? Is this modern-day parenting? 

Then the next day, she asks me what I planned on doing with my ‘situation’. I tried explaining that I believe my biological clock has passed. That the times trying for a baby, made my life a living hell, and if something isn’t broke — then why fix it? I told her that nothing felt missing in my life, and that we were actually very happy with our lives. We enjoy the dogs, and moving and traveling, and coffee, and uninterrupted adult time. We enjoy smelling the cool fall air in the morning, and decided to drive to the Mississippi and rent a cabin for a night. I told her “I think we are just going to keep on keeping on, you know?” 

No. She didn’t. She told me “There is always adoption”. HEY, all my infertility friends, did you know that if you can’t have your own children, you could adopt?! Why do people bring that up, as if we never considered having children any other way that vaginally?  What they don’t consider is the heartbreak of the process along with the expenses and time needed and invested into it. She didn’t understand that we were fine. I told her in a couple years (like 10), if we feel the need to have children, then we would consider that, but right now, we are doing okay. 

She kept trying to find a solution for me to have children, as if, it couldn’t be possible for me to be okay, with just the two of us. Can’t it? 

My friend had changed. She seemed angry and pissed off at the world. She had distanced herself from real life, and only communicates through facebook. Nothing seemed good enough for her, and it acts like the world owes her. 

It’s not that I don’t like children. It’s not one of ‘those’ situations. I want to volunteer at orphanages, and work directly with children — it’s just that that maternal/parenting instinct is gone…..

So why do I feel so guilty for feeling so okay?

 

 

 

Why not me?

So strange to be back. To be back reading my old bloggers posts. Bloggers who wanted so badly to be parents, and who are in their final weeks of pregnancy, and those who are on another month of trying.

I don’t know whats come over me – but I am so conflicted my stomach actually turns. Maybe because last week was my birthday. Another year older. We were actually in Europe for my birthday. The hubs and I traveled, drank, laughed and loved in pure bliss the whole trip.
My best friend called a couple weeks ago to announce that she is, regrettably pregnant. She never wanted to have children, it just accidentally happened one night with her boyfriend. Although I felt NO envy, I still had a pang of “Why not me?” go through my soul.

Why not me?

My husband and I still talk about the ‘maybe baby’ option. Now that all of our friends have children, we’ve seen them post all the baby pictures, the family picnics, and pictures of the last few years as their child has grown — and to be honest, through those picture we realized…. maybe we don’t want to be parents. My husband, after taking all these trips (we randomly went to the Caribbean over a long weekend a few months ago), that he doesn’t really want to have children. I… I thought I did once. I wanted them so badly, and now I don’t know. The only reason I toy with the option, is because I am afraid I will regret one day for not having them, or even worse– regret having them?

It’s just a very strange stage of our lives, and really, the idea of regret, or running out of time to decide, is what perplexes me. I have no more maternal instinct. I was in the airport, and saw a mother with children running around, and I admitted “Thank God that’s not us, eh?”

We went camping with some family, who all had children, and they (the parents), looked so tired and miserable. My husband and I cozied up, made s’mores, and slept outside in a tent – in peace. i admit,  I’m selfish because I love husband-wife time. I love romantic dates, random getaway trips, and doing whatever the hell we want on a Saturday. 

I really do love this life – will regret come? Or is it possible to continue loving being a childless family? We already have our destinations picked out for next year, and have even talked about buying a condo in Florida, so we have a place to go and stay while we Dive (scuba). 

 

So,  if I like my life so much, and I enjoy the child-free option, and pictures of my friends children don’t make me sad/jealous/motivated — why do I still have doubt?