So strange to be back. To be back reading my old bloggers posts. Bloggers who wanted so badly to be parents, and who are in their final weeks of pregnancy, and those who are on another month of trying.
I don’t know whats come over me – but I am so conflicted my stomach actually turns. Maybe because last week was my birthday. Another year older. We were actually in Europe for my birthday. The hubs and I traveled, drank, laughed and loved in pure bliss the whole trip.
My best friend called a couple weeks ago to announce that she is, regrettably pregnant. She never wanted to have children, it just accidentally happened one night with her boyfriend. Although I felt NO envy, I still had a pang of “Why not me?” go through my soul.
Why not me?
My husband and I still talk about the ‘maybe baby’ option. Now that all of our friends have children, we’ve seen them post all the baby pictures, the family picnics, and pictures of the last few years as their child has grown — and to be honest, through those picture we realized…. maybe we don’t want to be parents. My husband, after taking all these trips (we randomly went to the Caribbean over a long weekend a few months ago), that he doesn’t really want to have children. I… I thought I did once. I wanted them so badly, and now I don’t know. The only reason I toy with the option, is because I am afraid I will regret one day for not having them, or even worse– regret having them?
It’s just a very strange stage of our lives, and really, the idea of regret, or running out of time to decide, is what perplexes me. I have no more maternal instinct. I was in the airport, and saw a mother with children running around, and I admitted “Thank God that’s not us, eh?”
We went camping with some family, who all had children, and they (the parents), looked so tired and miserable. My husband and I cozied up, made s’mores, and slept outside in a tent – in peace. i admit, I’m selfish because I love husband-wife time. I love romantic dates, random getaway trips, and doing whatever the hell we want on a Saturday.
I really do love this life – will regret come? Or is it possible to continue loving being a childless family? We already have our destinations picked out for next year, and have even talked about buying a condo in Florida, so we have a place to go and stay while we Dive (scuba).
So, if I like my life so much, and I enjoy the child-free option, and pictures of my friends children don’t make me sad/jealous/motivated — why do I still have doubt?