Why not me?

So strange to be back. To be back reading my old bloggers posts. Bloggers who wanted so badly to be parents, and who are in their final weeks of pregnancy, and those who are on another month of trying.

I don’t know whats come over me – but I am so conflicted my stomach actually turns. Maybe because last week was my birthday. Another year older. We were actually in Europe for my birthday. The hubs and I traveled, drank, laughed and loved in pure bliss the whole trip.
My best friend called a couple weeks ago to announce that she is, regrettably pregnant. She never wanted to have children, it just accidentally happened one night with her boyfriend. Although I felt NO envy, I still had a pang of “Why not me?” go through my soul.

Why not me?

My husband and I still talk about the ‘maybe baby’ option. Now that all of our friends have children, we’ve seen them post all the baby pictures, the family picnics, and pictures of the last few years as their child has grown — and to be honest, through those picture we realized…. maybe we don’t want to be parents. My husband, after taking all these trips (we randomly went to the Caribbean over a long weekend a few months ago), that he doesn’t really want to have children. I… I thought I did once. I wanted them so badly, and now I don’t know. The only reason I toy with the option, is because I am afraid I will regret one day for not having them, or even worse– regret having them?

It’s just a very strange stage of our lives, and really, the idea of regret, or running out of time to decide, is what perplexes me. I have no more maternal instinct. I was in the airport, and saw a mother with children running around, and I admitted “Thank God that’s not us, eh?”

We went camping with some family, who all had children, and they (the parents), looked so tired and miserable. My husband and I cozied up, made s’mores, and slept outside in a tent – in peace. i admit,  I’m selfish because I love husband-wife time. I love romantic dates, random getaway trips, and doing whatever the hell we want on a Saturday. 

I really do love this life – will regret come? Or is it possible to continue loving being a childless family? We already have our destinations picked out for next year, and have even talked about buying a condo in Florida, so we have a place to go and stay while we Dive (scuba). 

 

So,  if I like my life so much, and I enjoy the child-free option, and pictures of my friends children don’t make me sad/jealous/motivated — why do I still have doubt?

4 thoughts on “Why not me?

  1. I recently had a girls’ weekend and two of them are in the middle of raising young children, while another got pregnant while we were in college and is now raising a teenager. I listened to them talk about their marriages and juggling kids. They seemed to be really unhappy. All of the problems that weren’t solved before kids were exacerbated with kids. I couldn’t help but feel relief that I could not relate-a first since I am usually upset that I can’t relate to their stories of their children and being mothers. The two with small children had to leave to get home for birthday parties and t-ball team celebrations, and I headed for more time at the pool. I left that weekend grateful for my relationship with my husband and relishing in my freedom. It sounds terrible, but after trying for seven years I do wonder if our life has a place for a child in it. Are we too set in our ways to be willing to give up aspects of our life for a child? All of this is to say, I get it. I get where you are coming from and that voice that wonders about regret is here with me too. I’m going to see through our next round and go from there. I think that of anything if you are at the place where you can say your life and relationship bring you the happiness you want, it is ok to consider a life child free. There can be no regrets on this journey-it is hard enough as is.

    • Wow, this was probably the most influential comment anyone has every made on my post! Thank you for making me feel like i’m not the only one out there! We’ve tried for three years- and during those three years, our lives were a LIVING hell. We fought, we didn’t sleep together unless it was ‘perfectly timed’. i was moody, irrational, and didn’t want to plan anything ‘just in case’. i didn’t drink, I was constantly thinking about ‘prepping’ my body, and I loathed every women I saw pregnant. When the husband moved away for work for 8 months… it was out of our control… and it was THEN when we started getting back together and really appreciating the life we were given — makes me wonder if i want to change that – i mean, i truly feel like nothing is missing in our lives.

      • Not at alone at all! After that weekend, I noticed that I got tense around families with kids -not because I was jealous, but because I felt that life might not be for me. Absurd coming from people who have put so much into trying to conceive-at least perhaps to those on the outside of infertility-but not for some of us on the inside. Relationships are hard. Marriage is hard. Throw fertility treatments in there and it gets harder. Good to hear that you and your husband have found each other again! I will say I’m jealous of the traveling :).

  2. I too love time I can spend with just my husband. Even so, it does not diminish my desire to have children. I think you can appreciate things in your life and also desire growth and changes. It is also ok to not want children (despite what people often tell women). Everyone is different. Women often feel like they have to apologize for the way they feel and I wish that was not the case. I hope you are able to find some clarity and peace in your life decisions.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s