I thought it would be so different. I thought that once you find out you’re pregnant, your whole world changes. You change. Your priorities change. Although this is the case, it’s not as drastic as I imagined. I thought that once I got over the initial shock of being pregnant, and saw the heartbeat, that I would be all about this baby. I anticipated baby fever would consume my life…. but at 27 weeks pregnant, I still don’t even have a color picked out for a nursery (Though it’s going to be blue!) . I haven’t been shopping at baby stores, or flipping through The Bump any chance I get. I haven’t been reading birthing/parenting/family blogs and magazines. My life is not consumed by this baby, although I feel like it should- and for that I have pangs of guilt.
I really loved where I was at 9 months ago. I was in shape. I was happy. I loved my husband. We had plans to go to the Caribbean this spring. I was in the midst of changing careers, before I got pregnant. I never thought I would cry anything but tears of happiness once I got pregnant, but I did.
I want to be happy. I’m not saying that being a mom isn’t going to be a enough, or make me happy (because I am more in love with him every time he kicks me)- but I want to still have my life. I want my son to be able to see his mother be strong and happy, and hold other woman in his life to those same standards.
I guess I am afraid of loosing my identity for/to this child. Does anyone else feel the same?
I have such supportive friends and family – and it’s been great. I have been keeping in fairly good shape this pregnancy. I’m starting to get back into running (though not very much- maybe a mile!), I’m still eating really well – I haven’t craved anything but fruit and ice water this entire pregnancy. Instead of talking about nursery colors and looking for cute wall decor, I’ve been looking at the baby joggers. I’ve been pinning how to get fit with your baby postpartum. At the end of my maternity leave, my goal is to go back to the Academy. And that makes me happy. My friends have been supportive – keeping my spirits up when I’m winded walking up a flight of stairs- and break down crying, thinking I’ll never be able to run my mile and a half again in a few months to get into the Academy. But I am constantly reassured. I’ve received a ton of Police onesies for this little guy, and I laugh and smile every time a new one comes in the mail. I am so blessed to have such an understanding group of friends- who both understand the challenges and joys I’ll be facing as a new mom while also wanting to continue to better myself and change careers.
But seriously, I’m 27 weeks pregnant – you would think I’d get my shit together and start putting together a nursery right?
Did anyone else fear losing their identity? Did anyone else feel the pressure of society, telling you that if you don’t spend every waking hour daydreaming about your child, you are a terrible parent already?
Am I in the wrong, to want more for myself?