Be patience. Be present

If I learned (or failed to learn) anything in my life- it is to be patient. I have been tried and tried again. I waited 6 years for my first baby. I waited 9 less-than-glorious months being pregnant with them, waiting for the final day. I waited  hours in labor … waiting. It always seems the closer you get to the final goal- the less impatient and harder the wait becomes.

I’m trying to change jobs.  The wait for the call is agonizing…just like the 2 week wait. I thought being a mother was my calling- and I thought wrong. I’m preparing every day for this change.  Every day that passes without a phone call is mental torture. How have I not learned to be patient? Why haven’t I learned that good things come to those that wait? maybe not wait. I’m not waiting. I’m working my ass off to get this. I’m up late -after I put my kids to bed, I lace up and hit the track. I do pushups in between changing diapers. I’m hitting the gym on my lunch break to make it. But ultimately, I have to wait for the call, and it’s beyond my control.   I suck at waiting. Every day- just like when I was trying to be a mother- that passed that I didn’t have that BFP or the call, it’s a blow to my self esteem. The wait for your cycle to hopefully be late. I lost weight to be a mother. I prepared… and God did I have to wait. the wait is the mind-fuck. I doubt…What if Im not made for this? What if this is a sign it’s not for me? But just like infertility- it’s not acceptable. I want to feel fulfilled with my life. I want my children to see their mother happy and strong and confident, because she finally had enough guts to believe in herself and do it.

But what if the call doesn’t come? What if that BFP never happened. Just like the weeks before Baby #1, I learned to finally be okay and move on. There are many routes in life… I need to breath and know that my life isn’t over if the call never comes.

Funny how looking back, how different ones life can be in the course of a few years. From thinking it will be the end of you if you never conceive- to wanting more. will it ever stop? some people say I’m selfish for wanting a career. A purpose. They say that children are my purpose. No. They are my life- but I want my children to look at me, like I did my father. I want them to learn confidence and strength and life through me, by watching what I do. I want to be the mom that my kids take to career day. I want to make a difference not for just my children, but for so many who need a voice in their life. God… why can’t they just call already.

Patience, where are you?

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Drowning

Hello Ladies.

I’ve missed you. I don’t know where many of you are in your journey. Maybe you are still stalking the stork, or maybe you are planning a life of adventure, or maybe you are fidning yourself up at all hours of the night with little cries down the hallway. No matter where you are, I am still with you, because I have been there. After trying for 6 years, I gave up and planned a life of adventure. I traveled, I ate, I drank, I slept in and splurged on fun seasonal socks (I still have student loans, so thats splurging to me). I revamped my life. I sold the 3 bedroom hours across the street from the park. Moved to the city. It was the worst kind of pain- so if you are still going through that- I feel it still like a deep wound. You will never be alone. I was on the path of changing careers, until that faithful day I was late. I thought I was going to be excited to see those two lines- but instead I was thrown back into the dark place, where I never wanted to be again.

 

Never the less, 3 years later, I have two beautiful boys- 13 months apart. I dreamed of these days. Decorated nurseries. The smell of cookies in the oven, after they help me bake. The giggles filling the hallways. Truth Alert- being a mom can really suck. Today there were no giggles. Last night was full of both of them waking each other up and screaming because they had sugar at night and weren’t ready for bed. This morning the hall was filled with my 2 year old having a meltdown because I wouldn’t let him climb up on the hamper to turn the lights on and off. My one year old fell over and bit his lip, so there was screaming and blood. The dog HATES my kids. But the dog was here first, and I’m not that kind of person. She stays… separated, but she stays.

There is no baking. I tried that. Eggs were thrown on the floor, once kid took the butter and chomped into it, and flour was everywhere. I’ll probably wait another 8 years before I try that again.

Today is not a good day. I’m tired. I have a migraine, and kids dont care. I still work from home, but they go to daycare. I dont have any family within 500 miles, so this is my only break. My job sucks. I hate the anxiety I get from it, but we need to keep it for now. Bills are coming in as if its raining debt. You know those months, where the Electric bill was a touch more than you expected, and somehow, it through your entire month off? That is where we are at.

The diaper bins need to be changed, I need to go grocery shopping with ZERO dollars in my account, my work is bombarding me, and I feel like I’m drowning. Halloween is right around the corner. my favorite holiday. I was so excited to decorate the new house and dress the boys up- but we can’t swing it this year.

I have an opportunity to change careers- but it is physically demanding. It’s better pay- but on top of my sleepless nights, messy house and mom-brain, I have to get my postpartum ass out on the track and train to run an 8 minute mile, followed by 3 sets of 20 pushups and 30 situps. It’s a lot. Whats worse, is that I have no one to talk to about it.

Do any of you out there, wherever you are in your life- feel alone? I remember not being able to talk to anyone about my infertility battle, and it was horrendous. Are there any moms out there struggling with the guilt of not being in 100% bliss, after trying SO hard for the little ones? Any one out there who doesn’t feel fulfilled like they thought?

 

Reach out to me. I could use the support of knowing that I’m not alone- in being alone.

It’s been a while

So, It’s been a while. Mostly because I had issues logging into this thing. I’ve been really stressed lately with a lot of life decisions- but I found that a lot of my problems come from external factors- politics, Facebook, gossip… ect. I’ve been working on getting the noise out of my head so I can focus more on whats important in my life.

So, life is funny. I remember writing in this to keep my whits about me when I was going through infertility. As you read, it was a struggle, and I even got to the point where I was going to change careers.

I had Baby Boy in June of 2016 after 6 years of marriage and infertility issues. He is amazing. I can’t believe he’s 2 1/2. when Baby Boy was 4 months old, I got pregnant again. Very unexpectedly as you can imagine- especially because I was a nursing mom, and thought that you couldn’t get pregnant while nursing. That turns out to be a myth. In August of 2018- I proved the myth wrong, and welcomed Baby Boy #2 into the world. They are my life. Two weeks after baby boy was born, we moved cross country for husbands work. It was hard. We moved to a very remote area in the Midwest- 2 HOURS away from a Target, or a store that was open 24 hours. I dont know if I had postpartum or If i was just depressed being there, but life got hard. I cried every day.

Life is hard. Life if hard when you dont have kids and want them… life is hard when you dont feel fulfilled in motherhood when you thought that was all you wanted. Life is hard when you have a defiant 2 year old, and trying to change careers.

We moved back home about a month ago, and I feel the sun again. I feel happy. I feel stronger. I migth keep posting in this blog- but it may turn less into struggles of infertility- and more about the struggles of feeling fulfilled with motherhood.

 

I hope you are all doing well in your Journeys!