Drowning

Hello Ladies.

I’ve missed you. I don’t know where many of you are in your journey. Maybe you are still stalking the stork, or maybe you are planning a life of adventure, or maybe you are fidning yourself up at all hours of the night with little cries down the hallway. No matter where you are, I am still with you, because I have been there. After trying for 6 years, I gave up and planned a life of adventure. I traveled, I ate, I drank, I slept in and splurged on fun seasonal socks (I still have student loans, so thats splurging to me). I revamped my life. I sold the 3 bedroom hours across the street from the park. Moved to the city. It was the worst kind of pain- so if you are still going through that- I feel it still like a deep wound. You will never be alone. I was on the path of changing careers, until that faithful day I was late. I thought I was going to be excited to see those two lines- but instead I was thrown back into the dark place, where I never wanted to be again.

 

Never the less, 3 years later, I have two beautiful boys- 13 months apart. I dreamed of these days. Decorated nurseries. The smell of cookies in the oven, after they help me bake. The giggles filling the hallways. Truth Alert- being a mom can really suck. Today there were no giggles. Last night was full of both of them waking each other up and screaming because they had sugar at night and weren’t ready for bed. This morning the hall was filled with my 2 year old having a meltdown because I wouldn’t let him climb up on the hamper to turn the lights on and off. My one year old fell over and bit his lip, so there was screaming and blood. The dog HATES my kids. But the dog was here first, and I’m not that kind of person. She stays… separated, but she stays.

There is no baking. I tried that. Eggs were thrown on the floor, once kid took the butter and chomped into it, and flour was everywhere. I’ll probably wait another 8 years before I try that again.

Today is not a good day. I’m tired. I have a migraine, and kids dont care. I still work from home, but they go to daycare. I dont have any family within 500 miles, so this is my only break. My job sucks. I hate the anxiety I get from it, but we need to keep it for now. Bills are coming in as if its raining debt. You know those months, where the Electric bill was a touch more than you expected, and somehow, it through your entire month off? That is where we are at.

The diaper bins need to be changed, I need to go grocery shopping with ZERO dollars in my account, my work is bombarding me, and I feel like I’m drowning. Halloween is right around the corner. my favorite holiday. I was so excited to decorate the new house and dress the boys up- but we can’t swing it this year.

I have an opportunity to change careers- but it is physically demanding. It’s better pay- but on top of my sleepless nights, messy house and mom-brain, I have to get my postpartum ass out on the track and train to run an 8 minute mile, followed by 3 sets of 20 pushups and 30 situps. It’s a lot. Whats worse, is that I have no one to talk to about it.

Do any of you out there, wherever you are in your life- feel alone? I remember not being able to talk to anyone about my infertility battle, and it was horrendous. Are there any moms out there struggling with the guilt of not being in 100% bliss, after trying SO hard for the little ones? Any one out there who doesn’t feel fulfilled like they thought?

 

Reach out to me. I could use the support of knowing that I’m not alone- in being alone.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Drowning

  1. I am in the same boat as you with the job thing. I hate my job. Loathe it. And I feel bad because I only work three days a week. I shouldn’t complain. I wish I was one of those people that got fulfillment from my job. Yes, the Mom at home alone loneliness gets me too. Even on a good day! Yes, being a Mom can actually suck and I hate saying that as someone who spent years waiting to be a Mom. Talk about a mind fuck! But we aren’t alone. Someone, somewhere, or maybe just right across the street is feeling the same way.

  2. Admitting that being a mom isn’t exactly the dream you once had,especially after the hell of trying to have your baby ,is so frowned upon that I still hesitate to admit it to even close friends. I feel cheated but I also love my son and really that’s ok because I’m a tired mom and life is hard and parenting is hard. Your definitely not alone and it’s great to have you back x

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s