Be patience. Be present

If I learned (or failed to learn) anything in my life- it is to be patient. I have been tried and tried again. I waited 6 years for my first baby. I waited 9 less-than-glorious months being pregnant with them, waiting for the final day. I waited  hours in labor … waiting. It always seems the closer you get to the final goal- the less impatient and harder the wait becomes.

I’m trying to change jobs.  The wait for the call is agonizing…just like the 2 week wait. I thought being a mother was my calling- and I thought wrong. I’m preparing every day for this change.  Every day that passes without a phone call is mental torture. How have I not learned to be patient? Why haven’t I learned that good things come to those that wait? maybe not wait. I’m not waiting. I’m working my ass off to get this. I’m up late -after I put my kids to bed, I lace up and hit the track. I do pushups in between changing diapers. I’m hitting the gym on my lunch break to make it. But ultimately, I have to wait for the call, and it’s beyond my control.   I suck at waiting. Every day- just like when I was trying to be a mother- that passed that I didn’t have that BFP or the call, it’s a blow to my self esteem. The wait for your cycle to hopefully be late. I lost weight to be a mother. I prepared… and God did I have to wait. the wait is the mind-fuck. I doubt…What if Im not made for this? What if this is a sign it’s not for me? But just like infertility- it’s not acceptable. I want to feel fulfilled with my life. I want my children to see their mother happy and strong and confident, because she finally had enough guts to believe in herself and do it.

But what if the call doesn’t come? What if that BFP never happened. Just like the weeks before Baby #1, I learned to finally be okay and move on. There are many routes in life… I need to breath and know that my life isn’t over if the call never comes.

Funny how looking back, how different ones life can be in the course of a few years. From thinking it will be the end of you if you never conceive- to wanting more. will it ever stop? some people say I’m selfish for wanting a career. A purpose. They say that children are my purpose. No. They are my life- but I want my children to look at me, like I did my father. I want them to learn confidence and strength and life through me, by watching what I do. I want to be the mom that my kids take to career day. I want to make a difference not for just my children, but for so many who need a voice in their life. God… why can’t they just call already.

Patience, where are you?

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