Fear in the Truth

I’ve typed the first sentence of this blog over 30 times and keep deleting it. Part of me doesn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to revisit the past. I don’t want to feel like I did three years ago – but as time passes, all I find is that the feeling I have tried hiding is denial. Denial that I will ever be ‘over it’. While there are days that I felt normal – full of life,  there are the days where the fear of knowing that I’m not okay – that I will always be a little bit nervous and anxious about infertility.

So why am I here? Why did I come back? Maybe it’s because during the worst days, I had a group of ladies who were there for me. That knew what I was going through, and I felt powerful by reaching out to them- writing to them and for them, while receiving the very same comfort in their own writings.

I’m here because I’m scared. I was so happy with how my life was going. Getting strong, working towards a new career, relocating – everything was exactly how it should – until I realized I was late back in October – and a HPT confirmed – I had indeed gotten pregnant.

I blogged about what it would be like to not be trying, and miraculously get pregnant. How incredible it would be, to have such a wonderful surprise- but as I sat there, staring at the very dark double lines…. I cried. I cried because I didn’t want to be back here. I didn’t want to miscarry again. I didn’t want to want it. I wanted to join the police department. I wanted to run and travel and drink Margaritas with my husband on Friday nights. I didn’t want anything to change.

5 YEARS of trying. Chlomid- dr. ‘s appointments, post coital exams (**shivers**). I didn’t want to return to it. since I’ve never been able to get past 5 weeks of being pregnant, I stayed in denial the first full week…. and part of the second week… I called the OBGY and told them, and they told me to come in  if I make it to week 7- 8. I’ve heard that before, but never made it. I loafed around my apartment in a daze. What the hell did I do? How did this happen?! Well… I know exactly how and when…but how was this different from any other Friday night with the husband? Week 8 came. I went to the hospital with my husband. We parked in the garage. I passed the labor and delivery room, and saw all the pregnant women and babies, and I lost my shit.

I sat in the car and cried so hard, I couldn’t breath. Full out panic attack. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t belong there. I was infertile, and I will never be pregnant for that long. I can’t carry to term. I felt like an absolute fool for even acknowledging that I was pregnant. My poor husband- he didn’t know what to do, other than help with the snot running down my face.

Thoughts ran wild through my head. My mind fought constantly between the though of wanting and not wanting this.  It’s not that I didn’t want to have children- though I was entirely comfortable with the idea of it then- I didn’t want to want another child, only to lose it. What if I go in there, and they tell me it was a false Positive? What if they tell me I WAS pregnant, but it never developed? I know that I can’t get pregnant, why do I want to put myself through this again, and be surrounded by women who could?

I changed into the gown- sick to my stomach with anxiety of confliction. And then she showed me the tiny flicker of the heart beat. I looked at my husband and broke down again. I was pregnant. We sent the pictures to his family, and my family- and everyone was over joyed- except for me. I hated the idea that I am still stuck in the mindset that I am infertile-  that this can’t happen to me.

I am 10 weeks, and still worried. Still in denial. I dont want to talk about it when my friends ask how I am. I tell them all my other feelings, and act like I’m not pregnant. I tell them about work, and the dogs, and the latest news article I read. I talk about what my husband and I are going to be doing for the holidays. Then I hate myself more for being in denial.

Will I ever accept it? I’ve been very sick, but then I wake up days like today, and I feel fine, and I immediately think ‘It’s over‘. I dont want to in denial. I want to be happy for this. This is what I wrote for so many years right? This is exactly what I wanted when I endured the dr’s appointments, and the drugs and tests.

My husband tells me that if it ‘doesn’t work out’ (meaning I lose it), I can call the PD and be reinstated. If It does work, then we will have a family. But I’m just not ready to accept it – I’m afraid that even just blogging about it, will jinx me- or that once I start accepting and wanting this, I will lose it.

So I’m here, because there is fear in the truth that I’m pregnant. I’m terrified to accept it….. and I need you ladies in what ever capacity you can provide comfort, or advice, or something.

I have my next dr. appointment next Friday – I’ll be just shy of 12 weeks. I’m so nervous I could throw up. What if it stopped growing at 8 weeks? Why is there so much fear?


9 thoughts on “Fear in the Truth

  1. I don’t know that I can provide much comfort but I will say that I spent the entirety of both of my pregnancies in fear. And when I found that I had gotten pregnant with Levi while not trying, I had so many confusing emotions. I was thrilled to be expecting again and terrified that I would experience heart break without having prepared myself for it.

    I know that I have no advice to give you. This is the unfortunate reality of pregnancy after infertility. I can’t think of a single infertile who has gotten pregnant and not felt some degree of terror and denial. I have dubbed it PISD…. post infertility stress disorder.

    All that said, I do want to offer my congratulations to you and just let you know that I’m here. If you need to talk, shoot me a message. 🙂 I will pray for you and your baby and DH and hope for all the best for you all.

  2. Oh honey, I wish so hard that I could take away this fear that you have so that you could enjoy being pregnant. Unfortunately there isn’t anything anyone can say or do to make you feel any better. I can offer up a bit of hope though. In my own pregnancy, I was terrified every single day that something would happen and that would be the day I lost my sweet baby. Every time I went to the bathroom I had a panic attack before pulling down my pants, giving myself pep talks just to do my business. I was so afraid. But every day I realized that I was one day closer to my dream. I can’t say that the fear ever went away, but it did get less scary as time went on.

    The most reassurance I got that my baby was alive and well was purchasing a portable doppler from Ebay. In the beginning of my pregnancy I could check in any time I was scared and hear the reassuring thump thump thump of his heart beat. Later in the pregnancy I used it to check his positioning.

    Either way, I am so excited for you. If you ever need to talk feel free to email me or message me. You can find me on Facebook if you want and you can message me any time you need to chat. Good luck and god bless.

    • Thank you so much! The words are beautiful to hear! the doppler sounds like a GREAT idea! I think I will be much more calm too, after my ultrasound next week – I will havemake it to the 12 weeks mark – and then I know it’s out of my hands. Well, it’s out of my hands now, but at 12 weeks, at least I can feel like every other pregnant woman out there. When you miscarry at 5 or 6 weeks, before anyone else knows, it’s one of the loneliest feelings ever.
      I read stories that people go to their 12 week follow up, and the baby stopped growing at 8 weeks, or 9 weeks. I’m starting to accept that I am pregnant, and it scares me even more, than staying in denial!

  3. First off, congratulations!! I know that can be hard to hear, but I have to say it. Secondly, fear is normal and that’s ok. But, I have to point out, it’s not productive. If the worst is going to happen, it will be awful, totally wretched, and no amount of fear before hand will make it easier to go through. I know it is hard to let go, to let yourself tip into feeling joy and happiness. But there is a freedom there. There’s a freedom in allowing yourself to love, even when you know it can bring you pain. I had a friend on Facebook post this silly phrase the other day, but I think it applies here. “Fear does not stop death, it stops life”. It’s not an easy transition to make, from utterly terrified and walled up to being a squishy emotional vulnerable mess. In my opinion though, it’s worth it. Please keep us updated! I so hope this is IT for you.

    • I love love love that saying! It’s so true. If I make it to my second ultra sound next week, and see the baby alive and well – I think I will feel much better. I will be almost out of the 1st trimester, and be able to accept it (hopefully) with less fear and more joy! Thank you so much for the words.

  4. I hopped across from Google to ask if I could pinch your stork picture for my article. I hope you make it past that doctor’s appointment and beyond. I can’t possibly relate to what you are going through except in a small, indirect way.
    I almost miscarried with my first child. The doctor at the hospital who was a brute said I had to go home and stay in bed and not leave it for at least ten days. When I asked him if that would help me keep my baby he just shrugged and said that it could go either way. I went home and stayed in bed for the prescribed amount of time. I have sons now and grandchildren. Stop stressing. It’s not good for you. Tell your friends that they need to stop asking questions and that they should work on keeping you in good spirits.

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