A lighter shade of angry

So I’ve been gone. So have a lot of the bloggers I follow. I think everyone needs time away. We need a break to just scream and push everything away. We see fellow interfiles come and go. Some months they are hopeless, the next they are announcing their pregnancy. We all cheer and act excited, when inside we are pissed off and sick to our stomachs that we still can’t. ‘Why didn’t Clomid work for me, and it did her” “Why did my IVF fail, and hers was a success”, “Why did I miscarry at 12 weeks, and shes almost full term”. It’s full of bitterness, and rage, and not to mention many of us are on hormonal-altering drugs! 

What bothered me the most, and encouraged me to my hiatus, was when I saw fellow bloggers cry, bitch and sob when they heard about pregnancy announcements on facebook. The dreaded ultrasound pictures that they would see posted that would bring the entire group of bloggers together to console one of our own, and then to see that SAME blogger months down the road, bitch about her aches and pains and strange cravings that involve being pregnant. That same blogger posting pictures of her ultrasounds, with pure joy and discussing baby names with all the bloggers she attracted when trying to conceive. She has become the exact thing that had brought her to her knees with rage and depression month before. Is it not a happy moment in her life? it is! We should be joyous and celebrate that one of our sisters was freed from this Godforsaken prison we are still locked up in, chained to the walls by Clomid and Triggers. It’s not that I am not happy for her. It’s the fact that we are now nothing to her. We are “the old crowd”.  She’s now part of the “Soon to be mom club”…and what do we know…. we just know what at empty uterus is like. How dare she use us as a shoulder to lean on in her darkest of days, and forget what it feels like?

I just took a break. I stepped outside to breath fresh air. To feel the biting Chicago fall wind, and feel the soft glow of the autumn sunset on my face, while I let my mind quiet. I didn’t think of babies, I didn’t think of life with or without children. I didn’t hate, I didn’t care, I didn’t want, I just was. 

My husband moved back home. After 8 long months away, he is home, and babies were not the first thing on our minds. We went to Central American for a week of R&R on the beach, and we are planning to go to Europe for 2 weeks in the spring.  I have dedicated most of my time to running, and have run 3 successful races! I feel beautiful. I feel loved, and wanted by my husband who gets to see me every night. I feel good with my work, with where I live and my overall state of well being.  

I did talk to my Dr. so he is in the loop of my life. He’d like me to continue trying, and I am apathetic either way. Some days I feel like I do want them, and then I log onto Facebook, and realize how much more I love my life without them…. but maybe it’s the fear that is holding us back. The fear of sucking as parents, or the fear of having horrible children. Maybe it’s the fear that we will attempt “one more round” with medical intervention, and fail, and get hit by the realization that it’s no longer our choice — we will never be parents to our own biological children…. and I am just not ready for that type of fear. 


3 thoughts on “A lighter shade of angry

  1. Thank you for this. Infertiles who get pregnant bother me like that too. Not that they’re pregnant, but how they react to it. It’s like when the nerdy girl becomes a popular kid and ditches all her band geek friends. 10 years of IF and I have seen it all. I have seen girls pretend they will be different, but their joy overrides the promises they made. It makes it hard for the few of us that are always left behind.

    That depressing reply aside, lol, glad your DH is home!

  2. I sure never feel like those of my infertile friends who are not yet pregnant are part of the “old club”. I will NEVER forget what it feels like to want a baby so badly that my heart literally hurt. I am still infertile. I still can’t get pregnant naturally. I feel like once an infertile always an infertile. It scarred me too deeply to forget. I’m blessed bey measure to have my baby now but the 5 years of crap and heartache. surgery,treatment,more surgery …. can’t forget that. even if I want to.

  3. To just be is the best state. I’m desperate to be in that state fully again – before IF, before the need to have children – I want to be at peace and making the most of all the brilliant things in my life. Your post reminded me that I need to try to do that more.

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