Coming out day

It was all getting to much for me. You know that feeling… when you think you’ve made a decision, but there is something tugging so hard at you, that you can’t confidently say, that it was the right choice? Sleepless nights, lots of wine, and the inability to relax.

We haven’t told anyone really that we have infertility issues — his mom guessed, and my best friend knew, because we were both trying at the same time. But other than that,  we haven’t told anyone that we were trying or not trying. We are in a very happy marriage — in fact I can confidently say we are happier then most couples we know, but each day, it seems more and more of our unhappy couples and proudly displaying a “we’re expecting” announcement on their facebooks.  We can’t have it all, and my husband and I know that. We are lucky — we are lucky that we don’t feel like we have to have a child in order for our lives to be of purpose. We are lucky that we are in love and laugh all the time. We are lucky that we have good jobs that allows us to feed our ever increasing wanderlust habits.

We can’t have it all — so what do we sacrifice? We decided to make a list. A pro and con list to having children. I sat down after making fresh coffee with a pen and paper, and turned on Pandora. I wanted this to have my undivided attention. I looked at my husband and said, “Ok….Pros and Cons to having children…. go!” We came up with at least 30 cons in the first 3 minutes…. after seeing how slighted the list had become, I told him we really should start working on pros …. we sat and sat and sat. And then we looked at each other, smiles, and laughed. “I guess that makes our decision?” The decision to decline further infertility treatments. 4 years, 8 rounds of Chlomid, God only knows how many boxes of OPKs, and tons of chinese herbs in my cabinet was enough for me. My husband and I don’t believe in IUI or IVF, so when my Dr. said we should “look into the next steps”, we had to politely decline.

This is it. This will be our happy little family of two (plus a couple of dogs). I am so in love with it all, that I can’t even imagine adding to it now. I don’t know where the infertile girl who thought her life was going to be over if she couldn’t bare children, went to… but I am damn glad she is gone. Life has so much more to offer! Maybe my hand wasn’t a Royal Flush, but I will take this straight flush and rejoice with it. Above all, I am blessed that I have such an incredible husband, who can see the positive in this!

We decided that we were going to come out and tell our friends and family, that after 4 very long and emotional years of dealing with infertility, we are making a stand and saying no more! We recently got our marriage back from the damage infertility’s worst months had caused, and I don’t want to give it up. I want to have sex and not worry about the position, or how long I need to lay there for. I want to be able to have sex standing up or over the couch (lol, tmi!) and not feeling like it was “a waste”. Infertility is so  stressful and mind warping, that I have had enough. I am tapping out.

Our family was actually very accepting and positive about the news we delivered today. Again, we are lucky. His mom wanted to tell me that IUI’s and IVF aren’t a big deal, and trying would mean we could have children, but we told them that is just something we don’t want to pursue. If it doesn’t happen naturally, then it is what it is. Or friends, of coarse, didn’t understand why I would do that to myself — especially since all of them are miserable and working on their 2nd or 3rd. “children bring so much joy!” one exclaimed — and I said “I’m sure they do…but so do a lot of other things… like sleeping in and traveling!”

The world is as you make it.

It was actually incredible, how once we told everyone, the weight of the past 4 years lifted right off our shoulders. My plans now, are  to work on taking the next couple of months, and untraining myself from what infertility taught me. I need to STOP checking my CM every time I pee (and I mean, EVERY TIME!) I’m going to stop feeling the need to lay there with my legs in the air after sex. I’m going to stop eating pineapple core when I think I’m ovulating, and I’m going to move on. It’s going to take a while, but I never thought I’d be able to overcome the dark side of infertility, and here I am.

I’m actually looking forward to this. I always imagined I’d get married, have kids, and be a stay at home mom…now that I wont be having kids(though we aren’t taking means to prevent them) … I have a whole new slate…an unforeseen and unplanned life ahead of me to discover and create….Will we live abroad? Will we own land in another country? Will I go back to school? What will it be…

Lets do this!

6 thoughts on “Coming out day

  1. You should be proud of yourself. I’m sure coming to this decision was one filled with lots of thought and it sounds like your family was pretty supportive. Big hugs–this takes so much strength to do and I’m proud of you. You will always continue to occupy my prayers!

  2. This is a very brave and bold post. You sound genuinely excited about your future together and that is wonderful. Many marriages do not survive infertility. I feel excited for you! I delayed having children until I was 34 and I truly loved travelling, holidays, the freedom to move, to live abroad and do whatever I wanted. I know that for me, if children hadn’t been in the plan, I too would have been ok in the end because out there, every single day, is LIFE and you can make your life as big or small as you want. I too would never have considered IUI or IVF so I completely understand your choice. The end of one journey is just the beginning of the next. Enjoy it X

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