Usually I hate being apathetic. I think emotions are good. Apathy, or indifference, always makes me sad, because it means that I didn’t care one way or another. Maybe it’s being burnt out of almost 36 months of TTC all by myself, and watching others around start on their 3rd & 4th.
I was so sure this month. I woke up with cramps SO bad on second day of positive OPK, and then on 6 dpo. I’ve had cramps on an off. I would wake up in the middle of the night because my boob’s were THROBBING in pain.I’ve gained weight. I have been a lot more edgy than normal. My husband told me he “feels something different about this month”…. 8 DPO came along, and ALL my symptoms were gone. So I’m guessing it was just the drop in a hormone. Then DPO 9 came along, and the boobs started hurting like crazy AGAIN! My nipples itched so bad last night (10 dpo) but I couldn’t scratch them because they were so tender I just wanted to cry.
I took a test. It was a BFN….I know it’s “early”, but I can also tell that this is not my month. Apart from the ridiculously painful chest, everything is back to normal. My CM has returned to its Pre-Aunt Flo state. I’m not AS crabby as I had been.
So last night I was reading in my book, The Buddha Walks into a Bar, and It was explaining how it is important to have emotions, acknowledge them, and then drop it, you know, don’t get hung up on them. So feeling a little disheartened that I had a BFN ( but to exhausted to really care) I decided I would “acknowledge” what I was feeling. (I know this sounds really strange, but hear me out). I am not imagining my boobs hurting or the bile in my throat every night. I know these aren’t “feelings”, but they are all real, as so is the feeling of hope I get when I feel these. Maybe they aren’t associated with being pregnant, but that doesn’t make them any more or less real. There is a lot going on physiologically when TTC, especially when you are on infertility drugs. These are going to be the same EVERY month. Almost 36 months of TTC, and each month, I have the acid reflux, the mood swings, the sore boobs,….. so why is it that every month, I make it in my head to be more than it is? It’s chest pain. It’s estrogen. It’s part of my monthly cycle. It is what it is. That’s it. There is nothing wrong with symptom spotting, because we are hopeful. It will either happen, or it won’t happen. This is either my month, or it’s not. There is nothing I can do (besides taking the infertility meds). Asking my husband 1,000 times a day if my boobs look bigger now (seriously, its like the Verizon commercial, ‘Do they look bigger now?’), or temping every morning after ovulation will not change whether I am physically pregnant or not, it is just going to change how hopeful and/or how disappointed I am going to be.
I think I understand what it means “acknowledge, and let go” of the feelings. Today I am okay. It wasn’t our month (again)…so what am I going to do?…Simple: I’ll try again next month, but this time, I won’t be SO damn hard on myself. It will happen or it wont. It’s that simple.
But what if it doesn’t? Will I be childless forever while I watch those around me get pregnant? No. I will be for a while, but then those babies we see now will be in elementary and in middle school, and eventually high school, and we will be among empty-nesters. I was telling my husband last night, that there are a lot of people who don’t have children (Julia Child!). One of my older friends never was able to have children, so her and her husband travel to Australia once a year AND go on a cruise once a year. I told my husband, our lives won’t be meaningless…. we will travel, and invest our time making the world a better place for future generations (or at least try). Travel to Africa for a couple weeks in the summer to help build a school, teach English/Math in a 3rd world country for a summer. Go on archeological digs in South Dakota, and maybe we could discover something incredible that will be an anthropological mile stone.
There is so much to life out there, and as much as I would want to create one, I have to understand, that sometimes, it’s just not in the cards. We are in the early stages of Infertility (we haven’t done an IUI, gotten the tubes checked, or even tried IVF), so by all means, we are still going to continue to try, but if we try for the next 7 years (I’ll be 35 then), then I think it will be time for us to accept it, and live a life that might be different than what we anticipated.
I’m not religious. I don’t think there is a “plan” out there for me…. but as the Dalai Lama says “Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions“…This life is one that I created with my husband and I. We are a very happy couple, because we choose things to make us happy, even when people advise us otherwise. We love the planetariums and the Field Museum in Chicago. I had a lady tell me that “God created the Earth, and that is all you need to know. Don’t waste your time listening to false accusations the planetarium is trying to feed you”…. To each their own, but this is our own.
Anyway, I just felt like writing down my thoughts of the current mood. I wanted to find the “bright side” of infertility, and of course there isn’t one, but I wanted to make sure that I would, in fact, be okay, if feeling something grow in my belly, isn’t in the cards for me.